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For those of you that regularly peruse my journal, you know that I've been dealing with some major pain and uncertainty lately. It hasn't been fun for me, but you know what? I'm making it through thanks to a few people who really, truly are my friends. These few have shaken me back to reality from that nasty place I was inhabiting and forced me to see what's truly important; me.

Each in their own way has given me that verbal wake up call that has allowed me to take stock in my situation and realize for myself that I'm better off being where i am now then where I was..

Admittedtly 2 of them tried to hire a third to beat me with a stick, but hey, whatever works I guess...lol

This is me taking the time to say THANK YOU to all of them. They made the difference. The 4 of them showed me not only what I was doing to myself, but how much I mean to each of them as a friend (or maybe more now that i'm single again and actually acting like me...lol).

One let it go from the heart and held nothing back. She hit me with all the things that I really didn't want to hear but needed to. She set me straight and began the mending... several times. I think if she lets me, I'll marry her. :)

One went after my head and showed me what I was trying to deny to myself. She too didn't hold anything back and also said things I didn't really want to hear. it too helped me mend and find ME again.

One did what he's done for 31 years, just been there. Then made me feel like an ass, just like he's done pretty much every time I end up single after thinking it was going oh so well. I sit here and smile at how well this guy truly knows me and cares about me.

One was going to beat me over the head with a stick.. and NOT just because the first 2 were going to pay him! lol He also listened and listened... and listened, THEN said all the practical things I needed to hear, and kept telling them to me until I listened.. AND STILL threatened to beat me over the head with that damn stick!!

Bottom line here, I owe these 4 more than they could possibly imagine. Only 2 of them will read this, but I hope they ALL know now much they all mean to me, each in their own way. I truly hope that you who are reading this are as lucky as I to have friends as i do.

Thank you Dawn, Ann, John and Mike, you all rock!



Back to your reguarly scheduled lunacy now... shooo!!!!

women are weird.. they let you go then confuse the hell out of you after the fact with making you think they want you back, even when they do nothing about it other then make you feel the pain all over again...

twice in a row.. you'd think i'd have learned by now...

blarg

Why is it that just when you think you're getting things going in your life that life goes and trips you up?

I was over Clo.. it was done.. I was moving on and happy to be doing so... then she had to call.. dammit!!! everything I'd buried, I'd closed, I'd moved beyond came hurtling back into my brain and my heart... again.. why??

I'm torn... here's this person that I fell in love with that left me.. who now appears to be thining about trying to win me back.... and there's the person that i wonder about constantly as to if she's the one i should really be seeing where/if something could/would/will go.....

I'm lost, I'm adrift, i have no answers and don't know where to turn to find them.

So, again, i pose the question.. why??

or maybe more appropirately, why me?



grrrrrrrrrrr

Information is a good thing.... This weekend I got to talk to a few people who enlightened me on the antics of my ex.. I am now really glad that things are over. I can safely say that the only feeling left is dissappointment.. and maybe a bit of anger, but that last is more directed at myself for letting things go as far as they did.

The whole being disspointed bit, well, I thought she was a better person then that, guess I was wrong. Good thing that things didn't progress further than they did or I could be in a real mess.

On the plus side, I've got this weekend in August to look forward to AND I've finally made the decision.. I'm retiring. Well, retiring from bartending at least. On July 28th I officially hand up my bottle opener. 20 years and 2 weeks after I began my bartending career. It's time to move on and get my life going where I want it to, and working every Saturday night just doesn't fall into those plans anymore. It's been a good run and I've had more fun tending bar than any other job, but it's time.

I'm sure I'll be asked to work the odd shift to help out on the crazy nights, but as far as having a regular shift, it's over (for those of you that know, you NEVER really stop being a bartender.. it's a part of you.. for those of you that don't get it, you may never get it).

So, everyone bring their gothiness to a country bar on the 28th, just to salute 20 years of getting other people drunk, then the following night we can all go out and get drunk ourselves:)

It's interesting how things can open your eyes. What should have been a heartbreaking time showed me what someone who truly cares acts like. In the midst of my uncertainty and questioning, someone showed me what it's like to have someone back you no matter what.

I've been told that I need to find someone who's 'in my corner' and who beleives in me and backs me.. well, maybe it's time to start thinking more seriously then I have about that person I mentioned above.

There are challenges, but then, isn't anything worthwhile always a challenge?

Arizona keeps getting closer every day.

Thank you:)

xo

At least I know now what she wants, and it's not me.



The woman that I thought loved me, wanted to be with me, just couldn't get her ex-husband out of her head has moved on. Hell, she's more than moved on, she started dating someone else before we were even over and tossed this new guy into her ex's face.. something she never would do with me.

I feel used, like I was some 'entertainment' for her, a passing fad until she found what she wanted.

I immersed myself in her life completely, being there for both her and her kids only to have this happen.

I'm done with this. I'm done giving my heart to someone to have it torn out of my chest and ripped apart. No more.

It never fails to amaze me.. how someone can say the right thing at the right time.

Thank you for that entry. Yes it hurts, but pain heals, and if Keanu Reaves had it right, chicks dig scars and glory is forever... wow, that was a bit off topic wasn't it?

Seriously.. thank you.