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Well, today was NOT how I expected it to go. My friend's car repair took longer than he thought it would be, his rotors are badly damaged. So he wasn't able to come today..oh well we'll make up for it my next off days. No one even got me anything for my birthday expect my mom (though she gave me my gifts 2 weeks ago in advance). Thanks mom. Father is too poor to get me anything, grandfather only gets me a gift for Christmas, aunt has still yet to give me the money for dogsitting for my cousin, mom is sending me more money for driving lessons thankfully cause shit with bills and stuff happened. My test is on the 10th, I want to schedule a refresher lesson with my instructor one more time before I take it. I hope I pass on the 1st try. I just want a car, to go wherever I wish, whenever I feel like it. My life is so boring :( Nothing really exicting happens in my life much, the only biggest thing of note that I accomplished (at least to me) was losing my virginity, albiet to a fucking toxic "no filter" (yea like that gives you an excuse to be emotionally abusive and mean at times when I meant no harm) cunt who I thought really loved me...boy I was wrong. Speaking of which, well since today was so boring, I decided maybe going out in nature will do my mind something. I rode my bike, parked it, then walked down a somewhat secret forested path that leads down to the lower section of the county park (it was also quicker so I wouldn't waste time getting down there), was going to just go walk around and listen to music, it was an hour before closing so the grey night sky was out, almost going to be black, beautiful :) just the way I like it. But when I exited the relatively secret path and onto the trail into the lower section of the park...I saw something...something familiar. It was her car! FUCK!!!! And you know what else? a tall white male figure in a white t-shirt was standing by her...and I saw the dog I loved so much...I IMMEDIATELY turned the fuck around and back onto the secret path. NOPE, I dont want a confrontation, not on my fucking birthday. With how close the path to the parking lot was, I was certain they would have seen me had I continued walking by their direction, and I didn't want to risk anything. I walked back up to the upper parking lot, put my earbud back in, got back on my bike and went straight back home. So far tonight its been boring since, can't even hook up with a girl for some fun :( going to order pizza...mmmm
As of typing this, I am now 24 years old. My friend and I will be hanging the whole day. Tacitical laser tag (its so much fun), going to eat at an Italian restaurant, then depending if we got enough money left over, go to a strip club :D (his idea not mine). I must admit I feel a little nervous about it, feeling like I will be extremely out of place there, people looking at me weirdly and shit. But I have to give it a shot, maybe get drunk too. I hope maybe I'll get enough birthday money to buy that stereo system I wanted? We'll see. 24...I've actually made it this far? I'm surprised. 24 years old, still licenseless, no car, no place of my own (I don't have the money for it but I guess it would be nice), barely any living skills, barely can make food for myself, barely have any money, have practically no friends except one, stll not much physical growth, my body is still identical to how I was since I was a child! I must have really shitty genes. Ex left and discarded me like trash, no one to love. Boring job but I need money, man....I fucking hate money! Don't know what i want to do with all of this at times. I wanted to be a game developer when I was a kid, but one try at programming (cuz I thought that was one of the more easier aspects of game development to learn?) and fuck that shit nearly killed my brain! I suck at math LOL. Hmm, maybe try something with music? Maybe be a writer? I've considered getting in a relationship with someone and being hermits together, but I don't know, though it does sound heavenly :) It's fucking sad, when they asked all the other kids in my class in around 1st-2nd grade what they wanted to be what they grow up, everyone except me knew what they wanted to do. I did not know even as a kid what I wanted to be because I guess I was too busy taking in the pleasures of the world. So on my assignment I just wrote and drawed that I wanted to be a baseball player, only to get the teacher to fuck off. Even in high school, I still had no clue what I wanted to do, other than work retail I guess. What have I done in the last 24 years of my life? NOTHING! Hmm...hopefully I'll have figure something out by 30. This civilized life is kind of depressing if you think about it: a child is born, they go to school, they graduate, they get a job, they go to college or university, earn a degree in what occupation they aspire to, work until they are 60-65 or later, retire, grow old, and die from some sort of cancer or disease around 80 in a hospital or in hospice. And thats it? That's the meaning of life according to civilization/civilized societies? To almost all of humanity? Work, pay fees and taxes, obey the laws and the government, norms, code of ethics, socially acceptables, reproduce and have children so they can repeat the process for....eternity!? To help sustain this rotating machine? And if you don't? Then your worthless as a human being, uninteresting and boring as a person! Damn, if thats the case why don't they just then re-open Auschwitz and all the other camps and put them to death if they are that useless to mainstream society?
Dude! Chill, you are ranting!
You are 24 freaking years young and could literally change your life next week, or even tomorrow, by making the decision to do so. Did I mention, Happy Freaking Birthday!!!!
Now listen! Many are in Grad School at your age, so just take a breath, A pause, A step back, & then after deciding what it is that you want to do make a plan & freaking go for it.
Hope your birthday was a blast all the way around!!!
Thank you Maro for the birthday wishes. I have a tendency to ruminate about the past a lot I guess, wishing I could have done things differently. It's not healthy I know
Red flags
21:45 Aug 26 2025 Times Read: 178
You know, now that I think of it, I guess there were red flags that I should have payed attention to when I was with her. She called me intelligent but later near the end she talked about how her ex just "knew shit" and bascially hinted that I was stupid and dumb. I showed her a lyric video for Dissociative (Manson) when we were somewhat starting to develop feelings for each other, I showed her it because it spoke to me. She said she also felt that way (the lyrics) sometimes. But yet one day when I wanted to play for her Holywood in full via my CD, after a few songs she asked me something along the lines of "why do you always listen to depressive stuff?" "why do you like this?" etc. Are you fucking kidding me? Did you even listen to what he was saying? I thought you could take a good guess as to why I like his stuff so much, why his music speaks to me, but I guess not, I thought it was obvious. I asked her if she wanted me to turn it off and I can't remember if she said yes or you can if you want, but I did so. She also complained to me how "(ex's name) could always lift me up", yet I was capable of doing so during the first few months we dated, I just could barely do it because she was around the same weight as me, and I couldn't hold her for too long or my muscles would give out. I hadn't lift her near the end because I felt a little more tired than usual. When she played for me music she liked like AJR, NF, Alec Benjamin, Bo Burnham (hes a little funny I guess), etc I didn't mind her playing it to me at home or when we were in her car. But I was trying very hard to tell her I don't dislike it or have anything against it, it's just not for me. "Why don't you like this music?" she asked once. Plus I don't even really listen or like rap, except for maybe a select few artists. I told her I personally liked Eminem more than NF If i was going to be honest, and she would scold me about how Eminem is a terrible person and what not. She thought I didn't like NF because hes a Christian. I told her no its just his music just doesn't speak to me. For fucks sake, I DONT CARE ABOUT HOW A MUSICIAN IS AS A PERSON, I JUST LISTEN TO THEM FOR THEIR MUSIC AND NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I guess she couldn't get that through her head. Though I hear Gene Simmons is a dick, then again I don't really listen to Kiss so it doesn't matter for me. Sure i've also heard things about Lars, James, Dave, but I don't really care, I like their music anyway. At least I got to see Metallica and Megadeth live at least once. She couldn't understand why I didn't like AJR (but I tolerated them, I tolerated everyone she listened to because I loved her still) because i told her I liked electronic music, but when I showed her the type of electronic music I meant (The Prodigy) she didn't like it. So she and I have different ideas of electronic then. She told me "I know cats are more your forte" even though I explicity told her I love dogs and cats equally. IDK if this some psycho energy/vibes she was giving me, but she told me how cute kittens are...until they become grown cats. Because cats "are so self-important, think they are better" or whatever she said. So..more shy? Selective? More independent? So what! Thats just how a lot of them are! It's just their nature! So your telling me you dislike an animal for a behavior or personality for just how naturally they are? Honestly that sounds fucking stupid and petty. She would show me youtube videos of adult cats getting a deep clean/wash by a veterarian (forgot her channel name), and she would go 'awww poor baby :( .....well they deserve it" when the cats would show discomfort at being cleaned (mainly cause their owners let their cats selves go and dont properly look after and take care of them). I swear, I feel if she had the opprotunity she would torture cats if she wanted to. So much for being an animal lover. She is also allergic to them so I wonder if this also comes into play about how she views them. All cause they make her sick? So? It's not their fault you are allergic to them, its just your body's response! If someone dislikes cats JUST only cause they are allergic to them (but still like them as animals), fine I can understand that then. But if you dislike them for their nature? Well? What the fuck do you want them to do then? Because super friendly like a dog to every person they meet and allow belly rubs? Not every cat is the same! She also dislikes small dogs because of how loud they bark and they act like they are the shit, yet somehow all big dogs are angels compared to them right? Just like cats, not every dog is the same! It's a matter of its nature and/or how you treat them.
I wish VampireFreaks came back. I had an account that I made in 2018 or 2019, But I deleted it within an hour of creating it because I got socially anxious (even on a website lol). I liked looking at peoples profiles and stuff. I liked the amount of customizability and freedom you could have on your profile. I wish there was another site or fuck maybe app like it. Yes I know theres VampireRave, but I mainly chose this one because its the closest to VF in terms of customiziability annd freedom I could find. Social networkinng feels more unique, authentic I would say compared to a facebook, Twitter (NA NOT CALLING IT X) or instagram. They feel more restrictive almost if you will. Yes I know you can just use hashtags and shit to find like-minded people, but I just wish there was another main hub on the scale of Vampirefreaks for alternative people or people interested in "alternative" topics, subjects, hobbies, interests, etc; with the userbase being in the millions. It's honestly a shame they closed down the social network of VF, It could have gotten an app for it for all we know. I mean, VF was THE facebook/myspace of the goth/punk/emo/vamp/alt community. It feels like social media has become way more simplified (which isn't bad I guess) compared to 2000s social sites and apps
I was sitting by the Mississippi River again, needed to get some stress and anger out, I was just sitting on the fucking rocks relaxing, when I heard people speaking another language behind me. There was about 4 of them I think, they were dark skinned and were either Indian or middle eastern (most likely Indian? I know what Arabic sounds like usually but what they were speaking I honestly wasn't sure). I was just minding my own buisness, I didn't mind their presence since it's a public park. But a couple times heard them say "English". They seemed to watch me on my phone just browsing random stuff, and they seemed to comment about it because they were laughing! They seemed to have been laughing at videos on their phones and shit but also at me. They sounded like they were making stereotypes about me because of how I sitted and what I was wearing. I can't tell you how old they were but they could have been in their late teens to mid 20s? Anyways, I sat there, just ignoring them, hearing them to seemingly mock and make fun of me. They might have been making fun of me because im white. After about probably 25-30 minutes they got up and left. Why didn't I say something? Well, I guess a part of me was worried getting jumped. But I ignored them and they left, knowing I wasn't reacting to their taunts and shit. WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS? WHY? FOR FUCKS SAKE I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR RACE OR SKIN COLOR AS LONG AS YOU ARE NICE AND RESPECTFUL TO ME, I WILL BE IN RRETURN. I wish I had said something to them, but I guess I wanted to play it safe. UGHHH THIS SHIT PISSES ME OFF AND HATE THIS WORLD (not the actual planet) EVEN MORE!
I want her to be affectionate, cuddly, excessively clingly to the point she can't keep her hands off me, caring, empathetic, and sympatheic. I want her to have free access to my body whenever she wishes, pin me against my bed, wall, whatever and just ravage me. Just violate me, hold me close to her heart, embrace me. Why can't I find my zombie girl....... ;(
I rode my bike again to the park. Just to get out. I rode a 5 mile trail that loops around. I then sitted on a cliff and just relaxed. Once again I got some stares cuz I was wearing a Slipknot shirt and a Children Of Bodom necklace, oh well, im getting used to it by now.
I am trapped here in this fucked up species, this fucked up civilization, society, world. There is no chance of escape: money, bills, laws and rules, commitments, relationships, work just to survive, religion, coercion, the whole 9 yards. I envy animals at times, at least they dont have to deal with this bullshit, except relationships. Sure, they might live a more dangerous life, but they at least find joy and pleasure in the simplest ways.
The world is a prison cell, we try to get out of, yet some just follow the flow of the streams that make their way thru the concrete maze. Be you and be true to your feelings for that is the path to break down the walls of the mundane society.
Rose 6
04:20 Aug 19 2025 Times Read: 629
I know this is getting tiring....but fuck. The last month have been nothing but straining on me emotionally. Pain, hate, anger, sadness, despair, everything. If she was in this room with me right now and if she continued to treat me like shit and acted smug, sarcastic and condenscending about it, even if I was trying to tell her that I'm trying my best to change...I feel I would lose it. Going into an uncontrollable rage and punching her, kicking her, screaming at her, cursing her, just letting everything out. NOT SAYING I WANT TO ACTUALLY DO THIS, SO BEFORE YOU TRY AND SAY IM A WOMAN BEATER OR ABUSER, JUST NOTE AFTER WE BROKE UP (well, I won't lie looking back on it I feel like she was pressuring me to break up, something i never wanted to do) I WANTED TO AT LEAST BE FRIENDS AND ON GOOD TERMS WITH HER, BUT SHE ACTED LIKE I RUINED HER LIFE, CONTINUED TO BE TOXIC, I TRIED TO TELL HER HOW MUCH ALL OF THIS WAS HURTING ME AND THAT I AM SORRY FOR HANDLING THINGS WRONG I HAD NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP IN MY ENTIRE LIFE; NO WOMAN HAD EVER EXPRESSED INTEREST AND DESIRE FOR ME LIKE THAT IN THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE, THAT CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS MAYBE AND TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME. BUT NOPE, APPARENTLY IM A TOTAL BUZZKILL, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK ME IN, DEVELOPED FEELINGS FOR ME FIRST, WANTED TO PROTECT ME AND BE LIKE A MOTHER FIGURE ALMOST TO ME. TOLD ME SHE WAS NEVER GOING AWAY NO MATTER WHAT. BUT I GUESS IM NOTHING BUT FOREVER DIRT TO HER NOW, I GUESS IM FOREVER A TERRIBLE PERSON. I'm just so fucking hurt...I feel traumatized by her. But if she and i were to be talking face to face right now, I fear she would try and provoke me despite doing my absolute hardest to maintain my composure and try to somehow convince her that I am genuinely sorry, and I fear I would be that terrible person if she really wants me to be one. Not once when we we're together did I feel angered by her, I was willing to put up with her because I loved her, because she cared, and I never layed a finger on her. Even when we had a small arguement of some sort over something and she was daring me to hit her, and I didn't because I could not hurt her, I couldn't imagine nor want to. Just her saying "then hit me" (or whatever it was) made my heart cry when she said that. This woman for over 2 years stole my black heart, and wanted to love it or at least care for and be there for what it was, then she changed, and tore off the bandages off of it, punched it, creating more wounds, and the tears started flowing again
Feeling nothing but....rage..hatred towards her all a sudden. The way she talked about her new boyfriend towards me, and the negative shit she said about me. I'm starting to think I hate her, I really do. I'm almost thinking about abandoning the original plan of trying to apologize to her. My gut feeling is telling me that she does in fact hate me. And it makes me almost want to cry....but also explode into uncontrollable anger at the same time. You know, if after we mutually broke up, if she had just told me something like "I just want to let you know I may not have feelings for you, but I don't hate or wish hurt onto you, I wish you nothing but the best, If you need anything I can at least be here and talk" something like that. But no....even when I was trying to be nothing but respectful and nice to her in texts, keeping her up to date on whats happening with me, how the holidays are going (she wished me a happy thanksgiving and I did the same), she was nothing but a complete bitch to me most of the time and I asked her whats wrong "ughhh i was having a good day" "Why would I want to talk to you?" etc. The questions still haunt me: Why did you love me then? What did you see in me? Why did you invite me to the hospital that one day? Why did you invite me to your ketamine treatment sessions then? Why did you tempt me into having sex with you? Why? If it was all for nothing and left me feeling nothing but false hope, and losing more trust and faith in people? Why do you like hurting me? I tried to my absolute hardest to do stuff with you and make you happy, even If I admittedly maybe was slacking in some areas of our relationship and friendship but It was NEVER intentional, I still loved you no matter what, even if you fell down on your luck and got into debt, became homeless, lost a limb or became physically or mentally disabled, lost your car, your house burned down, etc; I would have loved you unconditionally, you would still have been mine no matter what. But no...something changed in you...and you still wont give me an answer as to why. I wish I had the last 3 years of my life back, I wish I never took interest in her sister, I wish I had just said no when she asked if I wanted to have sex with her and lose my virginity when I came to visit her sister for a casual date, that your already in a relationship and I don't think this would be good for either of us. I feel like at times this was all my fault...I brought this on myself. I told her about myself and my quirks, problems and what not, I essentially gave her a clear warning, yet she went ahead with me anyway. Hatred, sadness, and horror all mixed into one is all I feel for her....she didn't have to do me like that...I was only a first timer. If time travel is ever invented in my lifetime, I'm taking advantage of it. I'll see if maybe therapy can somehow help me, but if it doesn't for some reason, then I'm left scarred forever that will be very hard to forget about.
Well, today was supposed to be my best friends birthday party with his family cause they couldnt on his actual birthday last weekend, but apparently there was some sort of miscommunication, and I work tommorow, so I cant attend his postponed party tommorow :( oh well. So....he picked me up last night from work, went to my house to do his laundry, went out and got some food, came back and watched some true crime while waiting for his laundry to be finished. We head to his house, went to sleep. We went to Dennys around 11 cause he was craving breakfast food. We ate, paid, went back to his house for 2 hours and played video games. Then his sisters fiance told us it was time to go, he was driving us cause my friend can't drive cuz hes going to be drinking lol. Me, friend, friends sister and fiance.;...oh and their dog LOL drove to a grocery store on the way to his stepsisters house. Fiance got twisted tea and Pepsi ZS, friend got smirnoff pink lemonade vodka and Pepsi cherry, I got a small bottle of baileys irish cream. Funnily the cashier didn't ID me but he did my friend who is older than me LOLL. We get to his stepsisters house, and no one is there. Only his stepsister and her boyfriend (or husband? theres pics of kids and shit on the fridge) are there. Fiance called my friends stepmom and asked wtf going on. So apparently they forgot they were having a late birthday party for my friend...even though fiance was pretty specific...damn. We stayed at the house for like 2 hours, 6 of us in total, just talking and other stuff, nothing really too exciting. I must say, his stepsisters pretty hot though LMFAOOOOO. He drinked some shots of his vodka, and started drinking some of my Irish cream and said it was better than what he was drinking Lol. I had a few sips of it cause I never had Irish cream before myself and hes right, tastes like chocolate milk almost. I started to get a little tipsy and he and I fucked around on their trampoline in the backyard, i gave him a rock bottom and a stunner XDD. When we got back to his house, we just chilled in his room, showing me Riverdale for the first time (its alright so far, I just dont really watch TV shows daily), family guy, other shit. I managed to drink the whole bottle of my cream....and I'm still feeling buzzed as fuck (or drunk?) LMAOOOO.
You know....nothing special or anything but fuck I have a lot of thoughts going through my head so why not let them out. You know what I really hate? Well, I'm not sure if this term is even the correct word for today's use, fuck I might be actually talking about 2 groups of people; JOCKS (teenagers and older), sports junkies, brocoli hair toting fuckboys (obviously this can apply to other races, but its mostly white people), whatever you want to call them, but you'll see what I mean. The type of guys who wear white shoes (or crocs, flip flops), short shorts, wear backwards hats if they wear a hat at all, wear some Hollister or generic beach town shirt. Listen to rap music exclusively. They most likely play a sport: football, baseball, soccer, track team, whatever. And they act so superior to anyone who isn't like them. Like total assholes. Of course, this not only applies to teenagers but college students or college aged people too. The college aged ones can espescially be real assholes, the ones who are average but a little built, or jacked, and they drive a sports car. They just give off asshole energy. Now, im not saying EVERYONE who dresses like that are a jock or whatever, they might just dress like that because it feels comfortable on them and they maybe just dont need much, they probably don't listen to rap exclusively maybe they like rock, country, or maybe metal even! They might actually be really nice guys who aren't dicks if you just talk to them. But this type of "jock" or not jock feels rare, to me at least. Maybe Its just where I live, but I swear I see these types of fuckers EVERYWHERE, work, the mall, food places, parks (well I'm not really surprised to see them there its kinda expected of them almost), EVEN if I just go for a walk or ride my bike, I MIGHT seen one or 2, or more. A few weeks ago my friend came to my house to hang out, he parked on the side of my house and there was this jock looking kid in his late teens I think doing yard ward, spraying the grass or something. Anyways, my friend got out, he personally identifies as a mixture of a emo, punk, vamp, maybe goth, he's alternative. Always was like that since I met him. He dresses in black a lot, wears fishnet sleeves and shirts. He has decals on his car. When he got out and we said hi to each other, the kid on the lawn looked at him like he was an alien of some sort, a different species. LOL
I personally like contrast and find identity more in things I'm not then what I have in common. Gave "When Cannons Fade" a Like on YT. Thanks for sharing.
First time drunk
04:09 Aug 10 2025 Times Read: 737
I'm drunk as fuck right now kmaofaooo at my best friends house for the night. His sister's fiance got almost everything, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer (I didn't try it), I took a shot of everything, along with a mix that he makes of vodka, orange flavored water, and tap water
Why? Why did you love me? Why did you play with my heart? Why did you develop feelings for me? Why did you say you'll never leave me? What did you see in me? Why won't you give me an answer! Do you know how much this hurts me inside, feeling like I'll never know why in the first place. Do you know how much you've made me cry at night, wanting you back? If I'm really that irredeemable, that much of a piece of shit to you, forever dirt in your eyes, then I guess you don't want to see me happy, then you don't believe in second chances, forgiveness, you don't believe in me, that I can change. That you don't care about me. I thought you would have sticked with me through the thick and thin, you'll be there to help me. A part of me just felt you wanted us to be on nothing but good terms. But if you don't, then I will move away from here, I will crawl away for good. I'm sorry for coming into your life then, and being nothing but a burden. Just leave then....If im worth nothing to you, not even as a friend. I just wanted to do the right thing...but I guess its all that black and white to you. Why did you have to be so cold to me afterwards? I was trying to be nothing but nice and tried to repair things. A.K: Why did you do this to me? What changed?.....I loved you.....I thought you loved me......
Went to the park again to walk around. This college aged looking couple were walking by towards me, and she whispered something to her boyfriend. Now im not entirely sure what he said to her, but I swear I heard him say part of a word "tallica". I think they were commenting on the clothes I was wearing. I was wearing my Metallica 72 Seasons World Tour t-shirt (funny, I got it while we went to the concert for her 20th birthday), gray cargo shorts, and black tactical boots (ideal for walking around in the forests and on the trails). Why the fuck do people really give a fuck about what I wear? Geez. Then I decided to walk the observation deck, and IM NOT SURE, BUT I think I MIGHT have ran into her new boyfriend. He and another guy, both wearing helmets and holding bikes, were talking about his girlfriend's ex. He said something like 'shes not your girl anymore shes mine' "I understand, I didn't have much opprotunities growing up either but---(forgot the rest)" "cooked" "Dont be around my girl" (or something like that). I went into the woods next to the observation deck and I stopped in my tracks and listened, I was thinking about maybe going back out and to the observation deck, walk by them, act like Im just another park visitor, and maybe to see if one of them comes up and talk to me. Also one of them glanced towards me when I was walking in their direction. Now could this just me being paranoid? Probably. Is this her new lover? Maybe not because I THOUGHT I heard one of them say another girls name. Ulitimately they just rode off and I just kept walking. Honestly? I've been starting to think and wonder if my ex even does give a shit about me. I don't know why...but something in my heart.....its telling me "she doesn't care" "she hates you" "fuck her".Now I'm not the one who goes out and starts fights but....if they are ever there when im at the park and one of them says something shitty or insulting to me (yes I know I can just ignore them, I would just ignore them if they didn't say anything, but theres a lot of shit on my mind I want to say to her) I'm just going to tell him "Oh by the way, she fucked me twice when she was still dating her boyfriend, and she was the one who suggested it in the first place, so I hope your fine knowing your girlfriend is a cheating slut" "Shes probably sucking off another dude behind your back for all we know" "I'm forever a terrible person? Then once a whore always a whore!" "If im a child then that makes you a pedophile and child abuser!" and other stuff I would like to put here but I dont want to make this too long. That will piss her, him, or both off, LOL. I've thought of comebacks too if they say something. (CUCKISH I KNOW I KNOW, BUT I NEVER HAD SEX BEFORE AND COULDN'T RESIST, I WAS ALWAYS SHY AROUND GIRLS, SHE MADE ME COMFORTABLE, AND I FELT DECENTLY ATTRACTED TO HER) If they try to do something, i'll make sure to use my pepper spray then GTFO. Well, I could also try to defend myself via fists, but I've never been in an actual fight before. But if it comes to that...well fuck it then im not letting them walk all over me, I wont go down without a fight! I just hope the police wouldn't get involved...but they likely would if something like that were to ever happen. A part of my heart just wants to move on...but another part of it says if in the future if she sees I've changed, maybe she'll ask to be just a friend again, just NEVER date her again.
I see I've achieved the rank of Nihilist...fitting hehehe. Please try not to rate me its perfect!
Other than that, don't know what I'll do tonight. Maybe I'll play Hitman, watch something, or take another night walk, just anything to get my mind off of her. I barely can get through the days, she haunts my mind. She wont leave. She meant so much to me.....and I fucked it all up, I self-sabotaged it all unintentionally. I created my own prison
I thought you were everything
I thought you were the one
But once again I'm still blind
By the fake mask of life
Again I fell for its trap
Again I felt for its lies
And now you are leaving
And I'm begging you to stay
What we had was something special
What's going on?
It's getting hard to breathe
I'm torn open
I'm on my knees, asking you to stay and not to leave
Please don't go
Please don't go
Where did my love go? What happened? Where am I? Is this all just a dream? Is this just some nightmare I have yet to wake up from? What did I do wrong, I'm sorry! I'm sorry for my mistakes! I never meant to hurt you! You took me in, you nurtured me, you cared for me...where did you go?
Tommorow I'm going to my old home to check on Caramel, my sweet baby 😍
From what my dad told me, the other cats are actually being nice to her, which is good, apart of me was worried they'd be growling, hissing, scratching her and what not. But they still adjusting to her.
COMMENTS
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Cadrewolf2
17:46 Aug 31 2025
Hope your next day gets better