Cameron-jade17:49 Nov 28 2008
Times Read: 628
FINALLY managed to complete this!! YAY.
I need to do this for me too as I haven't talked about it much.. I have found it too hard.
It was December 6th 1999, and I was 2 weeks late, In CJ's expected Birth date. I was heavy and longing to see my baby.
I was on my way to my over-due appointment to have an expected date given for my inducing. I waited for my name to be called, and waddled in to the consultation room. All checks were done, heart beat and blood pressure etc, all seemed well. And I was asked to go into the room next door for my date to be allocated to me.
3 days later I was given... Ah man!
I went back to the consultant to Bid "bye for now" and she said, as I was waling OUT the door, "actually, Susanna, Would you pop down to the labour ward for a quick tracing on the heartbeat, shouldn't take long" I Dipped As all i wanted to do was lie down.. But We went to the labour ward as Requested and got strapped up to the monitor.. lay there for like 10 mins, then A midwife came back to check the tracing... "oh, Baby must be asleep" she said. And gave my Enormous Bump a shake from side to side, to wake baby. "lets see what that does" she continues...
Another 10 mins pass and Returns, she does! Another check. and heartrate was still low.
after a quick chat with another consultant, they ask me to go to the labour suite.. "oh what" I said! In my mind i was preparing for 3 days time.. yet THIS was goin on!
Off we go to the labour suite.. I go into the high risk suite. which puzzles me, but i remain open minded as I felt, fine. I clamber onto the bed.. and a mature Midwife enters Liek a spring breeze!! (highly experienced Midwife, I thought). SHe connected me up to a heart monitor and Then proceeded to apply copious amounts of Lubricating jelly to her gloved HANDS!
She performs an internal and to HER suprise, she states that I, AM 7cms Dilated!!!. I excalimed "if THIS is LABOUR, I'm having 10 kids"!
I noticed her pulling this barbaric looking trolley over with all kinds of tools you'd expect to be used for horse surgery.. SHe only picks up the longest TOOL.. The crochet Hook.. 10 inches long! And then breaks my water and man did it GUSH... With ALL the colours of the rainbow mixed in the the water. Mainly Brown.. Now, All is Mothers KNOW that if we see Brown in our waters.. it means baby is in distress.
This was the first sign I had that CJ was in a pickle! (trouble)
I then started having FULL BLOWN labour pains.. NO build up. It was like suddenly being stabbed, in the dark.
Midwife gave me some Pethadine (thank you very much) Which made me very trippy.
She then pages the consultant to update him as to what's going on... He entered within what seemed, moments. He urges to bring certain equipment to perform a feotal blood sample. He was handsome and kind mannered, so I felt at ease in his umm, hands!
Well, his hands were in ME!
He said there was SO much shit (meconium) coming out of me, that baby must have been distressed a long time.
The blood sample was performed and the results stated that Babies o2 level was ONLY 12%. I was THEN Out on the Emergency level.
I was shaved by 2 nurses!! Wicked! Then carted off to theatre. to have a spinal inserted.
Well, Don;t forget I was in the throws of FULL labour now and PUSHING. And distressed as I had no build up nor warning. Nor counselling.. And little informtaion given. J had turned up at this point, with my bag. And came face-to-face with what was going on.. He took it well, But he didn't expect THIS! He was gone, like 20 mins.. and came back to find ME about to go into theatre with a baby in trouble.He saw ALL the shit on the bed. and just whislted!! Poor thing. He was told to gown up and wait in a room. I was screaming with pain. Whilst the Aneasthetist attempted to insert this needle into my spine. It took 4 people to hold me down. as The contractions were strong as anything. It took 3 attempts then I was numbed... WHAT a relief!
I lay down and Felt calm in the non-pain i was now feeling.
The NICE consultant was there to deliver CJ.. so I felt calm there too!
He said we are goign to whip your baby out, very quickly, so you'll feel some tugging. I said OK.
Within moments I felt suction.. J was beside me... Frantically rubbing a hole in my cheek! (well, it felt like it)
we couldn't see anything but green sheets. I suddenly became aware of what was going on... a sensory experience.
I heard a song on the radio, playing. It was a song by Bewitched called "i shall be there"
I suddenly felt the trouble CJ was in.. I started listening to the words of this song.. It got louder and louder and soon it was the ONLY thing I could hear. "I can't breathe.. Hear me calling in the wind" I heard in the lyrics... Then I replied.. in my mind... Please be OK.
Then i remember J saying she was Out, and being carried to the table to be cleaned. I heard no cries... I then heard the lyrics.. "It's just a minute away..... I shall be there"
Then I heard a little murmur.. I said Is that CJ..?
So by the time span of a song.. you can tell this all happened SO FAST.
I heard her.. but she was being resusitated.
she was born with no heart rate.
around 10 mins later.. she was by my side. with a fabulous song to remind her delivery. It's not rock.. But it's for my child and the words mean so much.
About an hour passed and I was fully stitched and on recovery ward with CJ beside me.
Athe recovery midwife checked CJ's temp and noticed she was a tad cold. She took her and put her on the other side of me into an incubator to warm up. I noticed her cranking the dial right up.
I was given a shot of Morphine.. And they said If I need more, let em know!! COOL!!
The morphine was making everything NOT a problem.. I knew I was detached from reality. But My memory is still accurate.
I remember the midwife, taking cj's temp again a few moments later, and saying oh, she's getting too hot now. and turning the heat down again. and removing a sheet. I glanced back at CJ moments later and noticed her arm moving like she was waving.. a few hours old, baby.. Waving? "excuse me", i said, "Is she supposed to be doing, that" I said thru morphine eyes!
SHE gasps and takes her so fast out of the incubator... "Follow me", she said to J. Oh.. OK.. I thought to myself. J returned a while later.. scratching his head..
Whats goin on?
He said he didn't know. But CJ is in the baby care unit. Oh ok.. I thought.
A little later, a COnsultant entered the room... The look on his face was as If he was trying to find the right words.. But he just blurted any ways.
He said, CJ was having a fit.. He couldn't stay with us, but wished to inform us she is VERY sick and has been taken to Intensive Care.
Ah.... that's not good, i thought. J said NOTHING. He went away and asked the midwives to settle me for the night.
OUCH.. Another shot of morphine was suckered into me.
I guess it numbed many pains.
I was wheeled to the maternity ward.. and heard all the new babies crying.. all the Mum's tucked up with their new Gifts.. And I didn;t have MINE.. and I didn't even know what was wrong with her. I asked if I could have a private room, I couldn't cope with being alone after delivering a baby, amongst all the new mums.
The ward sister affirmed this and personally, wheeled me in.
I was transferred to the bed, hooked up to drips and catheter drained.
Nurses hustled and bustled around me, prodding me, turning me, changed sheets, took temp, checked other vitals.. re-administered more morphine.. closed curtains.. and all the while.. All I could think about was the tiny life i had just delivered, and that I'd not recognize her if I tried to find her.. and what was wrong with her... I couldn't stop the tears rolling.
A carer approached my vision.. "I don't know exactly what happened here, but I lost twins"
SHIT...!! Although I was really sorry about her loss, I didn't know if she said that because she assumed I had lost my baby, OR she knew something I didn't.
I couldn't react with full venom.. I nodded.
She averted her body from my bedside, gathered the bloody sheets and left the room.
I gazed at the ceiling,aware of the bodies around me. I was giving up... THen, Dr Gupta, entered the room, like a dark cloud during a storm.
"I am Dr Gupta, I have been stabilizing your daughter, she is VERY sick. SHe convulsed for over an hour, we have stabilized, that. She is being ventiliated with 100% oxygen, she has Bleeding on the Brain, low blood platelets, and liver Failure. We have sent a scan to Great Ormand Street Hospital, for assistance. She is stable but I cannot make any guarantees"
What did he mean by THAT?- Does he mean she might not make it?
I dared not to ask.
He left the room, must get easier to tell parents that kind of news, over time I guess.
I was left stunned like a thunder bolt just hit me.
FUCK, she is really sick.... HOW did this happen... I had a normal Pregnancy..
The night went by slowly and in a blurr,
I was given another hit of the Morphine, I said I didn't want it, but they insisted.
I keot awake.. I didn't wanna wake to hear bad news.. I wanted to be near her, I wanted to hold her.. Nurture her. But logic would kick in and say she is in good hands.
Nurses entered during the night, tried to encourage me to sleep, I'd palm them off and say I'd try... In my mind I wanted to, but I couldn't.
I remember praying that night... For CJ to be Okay. I got messages whenever J rang during the night.
He was under tremendous stress of losing his job the day before.. Poor Bugger. He was doing his best to keep it together.
I say the day break... Stil holding an image of my baby in my mind... Is she gonna be Okay, will she be permantly brain damaged??? Questons...
Breakfast arrived.. I only wanted tea.. and I wanted to hear how my baby was. They say that no news is good news, but THIS was driving me NUTS.
I was offered more drugs.. I really didn't want anymore. I wanted to be alert.
2 carers entered my room, they said they wanted to start getting me up and about now.
I felt good about that...
another Dr Came in.. he updated me... he said her bleeding had shrunk, slightly.. she was heavily sedated and still being ventilated.
With any kind of fluid n the brain, it usually coinsides with a damaging to the brain due to pressure.
I was changing my forsight now to be more optimistic, and to take info as it comes.
I asked if I could see her, he said yes..
He also said he will be performing a umbar puncture on her, to check for Meninigical viruses,
I wanted to rush to get changed and showered to see CJ..
I had to wait for a frikkin wheel chair... I was walkin about like a 90 year old w/o a zimmer.
FINALLY!! A wheel chair arrived.. and a nurse.. she took me over to see CJ.
All I could see was wires.. her hands and her feet were perforated with needles and tubes. she also had a tube in her navel, to get to her blood stream instantly.
she had tape over her eyes, she lay motionless. I washed my hands, and pushed my hands thru the holes at the side of the incubators.. she was warm, and slightly clammy to touch.. I felt Instant LOVE for her.. MY CJ.. I was completely overwhelmed with her. She was an amazing sight.
she is real, she is here.. she is sick,
I stroked her face, Tears began to pour again... WHat is wrong my Angel? what is wrong with you.. I didn't CARE if she was going to be brain damaged.. I'd love her til my last breath and beyond.
I stayed with her for an hour or so.. just watching her.. I TOLD HER, right there, right then. "You ARE going to be Okay, I KNOW it"
The team were brilliant.. they told me what drugs she was taking, and what the plan for the day was.
I felt I was not so OUT of the picture now.
I went bak to my room and rested.
I next went back at 3am the following morning. I was missing her.
she is 2 days old now.
I saw the night GP, performing an ultra-sound on CJ, he beconed me to enter, and he spoke to me, telling me what he was doing. That was a nice intimate moment since he had CJ in mind and he was happy to involve me.
He showed me the brightness on her brain. he said this is the fluid. it has reduced but there is still some there. Great Ormand Street are saying it isn't bleeding, it is JUST fluid.
that was encouraging news.
WE chatted a bit, then I went back and got some rest.
Day 3 I had brekkie and went to see CJ...
they had reduced her o2 by 50%.. wonderful news.
I noticd she was starting to stir.. I talked to her thru the incubator, and she was screwing her face up.. I jumped with glee at her responding *BIG GRIN*
I was getting sore now as milk started to come through on me..
I changed her nappy!!!!
They were reducing the phenobarbituates in her now, which was great news!!Removed the naval catheter. The lumbar puncture came back, clear.
Day 4.
more reductions on the Phenobarb, o2.
and she was CRYING!! Oh what an amazing sound.
Her blood platelets had returned to normal. and tomorrow they were going to see how she copes breathing unaided!
with each day that passed from now, baffled the Doctors, MORE. With the amount of fluid she had on her brain, they were certain she'd have a severe brain damage. so, certiain that she was not discharged until she was 2 years old.
She was labeled the miracle because she made a FULL recovery.
The day I brought her home, she was still taking Phenobarb.. guess what I did???
Well, she wasn't feeding well, and slept nearly ALL the time & because I KNEW she was going to be Okay.. I threw away the Phenobarb.. I KNEW I was taking a HUGE risk, because she COULD have fitted.. Being 2 weeks old, it could have been Drastic.
But something Inside me knew it was going to be, okay.
so, I did. I told J, he was like "oh ok"
the midwife didn't call me to see how it was going. CJ started to feed properly because she was less, out of it.She didn't fit or twitch at all and I was glad I gave her cold turkey. she started to gain weight, well.
CJ was the BEST christmas Present, EVER.. Brought her home 23rd December.
on the day she was discharged, she was just over 2 years old.. Her Doctor Gupta, smiled with the success and scratched his head and the puzzle. " she is a miracle, she has baffled the board, she should have been badly brain damaged, but all her ailments cleared, it is truly amazing"
*smiles*
She is 7 years old now, and she wants to be a Doctor when she grows up.
I'm very lucky to have her.. and it has taken me this long, to be able to get this out, completely.
w/o balling my eyes out.
So, I know I over the trauma of that now.
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