23:04 Feb 28 2012
Times Read: 412
warning!
some things you will see in this entry are going to make me sound like i am crazy, and maybe i am. but if you feel the need to comment on here, just dont say "it will get better" because it wont.
being here is worse then being in hell.
my mom is looking down on me because i am bisexual, and we are fighting almost everyday now.
picking fights with one another, and my family picking fights with me, then running to her telling her lies.
i cant do this anymore.
i dont know what to do, becuase fighting with her is making my living situation hell. there are some days when i wish i wasnt breathing.
i just wish that i could die for a day, so that way she would see how much shit was lied about and fake when it came to me. i wonder how many people would fess up about the shit that they did to me. or said about me. but who knows.
i know that i will never be able to do that, no matter how much i wish.
but fighting with her the other day was so bad that i called up a good friend of mine and told him that i was going to kill myself. and i really thought that i was going to... because i have delt with my limit, and then somme of the damn drama in the world.
i have marks up and down my arms from the loss and depression that i have seen and suffer through. i cant smile anymore, because ifi do, i feel fake.
i have to put a smile on for everyone in the fucking world, and i just cant do it any more. everyone wants me to be something differnt. but i know that in death no one can make me something they want me to be. i can just be who i want to be, and i will hopefully be at peace.
and then maybe when i die, i can be with the people that actully loved and cared about me when before they passed. i just cant do this, because everyone that believed in me, or loved me for me, is dead. there is only one person left that still feels this way, and she is close to being taken from us.
when she goes, i will probally go with her. she is my aunt, and she is the last person that i have on my side in this world. when i loose her, i will loose my mind. i will end up one of two places. either in a mental ward, or in my grave. either would be better then being here.
esp after loosing my daughter, that was my breaking point. that was the end of my living in side and out for me. with out having her with me, i lost everything in my life
i just dont know what to do anymore. and i dont want to be alive because shit is that bad here in my house, and my life. if thats what you can even call it.
im basicly dead inside. and there is nothing that anyone can do to bring me alive again. i might as well be the walking dead.
i dont know what to do anymore00:53 Feb 21 2012
Times Read: 421
sometimes i just feel like life is nothing that i should try for anymore. i have gotten my heart broken by so many, and i cant even be sure that those around me are real friends.
i just dont know what to do anymore. i am not sure that i can trust any one anymore. i just want out. i want to be somewhere that i can be 100 percent alone, and not have to worry about fake people being around me.
so tired of being cheated on, and lied to. its like i was never met to be happy with anyone, or anything. it seems like everytime that i get close to someone, i loose them.
first was my Grandpa in 2003, then my daughter when i was 25 weeks along, then friend Chelsea in October 2009, and then my bestfriend Chace in December of 2009.
im so afraid to get close to anyone, because it seems like when i get close to someone, they die, or they walk out of my life.
i just want out. i need to be somewhere where i am not a hazard to anyone, somewhere where i can just be alone, for the rest of my life, so that way, i dont have a chance to get hurt, and dont have a chance to hurt anyone.
i just dont know anymore.
COMMENTS
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FatalAttraction
00:43 Feb 29 2012
Though said not to I am going to say it will get better. It may not get better while you are living under your mother's roof, but it will get better when you are finally on your own. Life's just one big roller coaster challenge. When you're young, yea it sucks like hell. But it does get easier and better when you get older. You just have to tough it out. Even though I don't know you or your situation I'm still going to say this, live for you daughter. Though she may not be with you in person, she still lives on inside you. She wouldn't want to see you give up. She would want to see her mother strive to make her life better.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I will give you my email address or any other contact info so you can vent. Life is worth living, you just have to find that part of life and you will. Trust me.