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there are times when you just feel like you have lost everything. even your mind. and right now thats how i feel because i got the worst text ever a yesterday at like 2:30 a.m. i cant believe that you feel that way v_v we have been bestfriends since the age of 3 years old. GAHHH! i just wish we could go back to the days of the dress up and fake make-up. because everything was so simple then. we would beat someone up for bugging the other.... i really miss you. i wish i was in Arizona with you. but i cant be. but i thought that our friendship was stronger then this. we always made a pact that "no matter the distance, best friends and sisters we will always be" but right now, i feel like that pact is falling through the cracks.... i really need you, please... just let me know what is on your mind so that way we can fix this. i dont want to loose my bestfriend, my sister. please, dont let this distance ruin the greatest friendship the world has ever seen, and 15 years of our lives...



i dont know what i did to have you text me and say "you would be one of those 2 i was talking about if didnt feel that i lost you a long time ago"



that was perhaps the worst text that i have ever gotten in my life. she and i have been bestfriends since the day we met. && i never thought that we would ever grow apart. i always tried to talk to her and find out what was going on in her life... she has always been my support system through everything, and right now, i dont even know if i have my best friend.

i have every letter that we wrote before we got house phones or cell phones. i have ever picture of us. and i tried so hard to make sure that we never lost contact. i didnt know that apparently we drifted away somewhere down the line.

if i loose the one and only person that has ever been there for me... i dont know what i am going to do. i will probally revert back to my old ways.

when i got that text message, i had something huge that i wanted to tell her, but when she said that to me, i broke down in the room i was in. i couldnt help it. because she is the everything in my life other then my daughter (rest in peace Raven). i already lost one of them, i dont know what im going to do if i loose her. i really dont...



my old ways are creeping up on me, and so are the tears.

what am i going to do with out her by my side... the text message is haunting me. i cant sleep. i cant eat. i cant find motivation to do anything, all because i she wont talk to me. i just simply dont know what i am going to do...



so the question stands....

has anyone ever felt like they have lost everything with in what seems to be like the longest 30 seconds of your life? ever thought like you just wanted to give up on everything and anything because you feel like you cant go on with that one person that is always by your side?

i do.

i dont care if anyone on here see's my story about how i lost my daughter. i hope that it will change peoples hearts about the subject in general.



when i was 16 when i got pregnat, going on 17. and i know that you reading this are probally thinking that its the typical story. but i promise mines not.



i was 24 to 25 weeks along. and she was due on halloween.

my boyfriend at the time was abusive to me. he didnt know i was pregnat, till i started showing. when he asked me what was going on with me gaining weight, i showed him the ultra sound picture, and told him that i was having a girl



he acted like he was happy and everything. but the next day i went over to his appartment, and he took my picture of her, the only one i had... he framed it. but then he and i got into a fight, and i ended up being slammed on my stomach, and kicked 6 times in the belly.



My aunt had rushed me to the ER and they told me that she had no heart beat.............



that was the single most hardest thing of my life.







girls

dont ever let a man put his hands on you. at any sign that he is going to, or when he does for the first time, RUN. i was stupid and stayed for almost 2 years, because i was afraid.

but DONT ever let a man strike fear in you. because that means that they have the control.

i have been through every type of abuse that a person can suffer, all from the man that killed my daughter.



i want to reach out and tell you that i am here if you ever need someone. i know how to get out, how to get help, or i can just be someone that you can talk to.



if you dont want to post comments on here, feel free inbox me so you can be kept secret if you dont want anyone to know.



i know how embarssing it is. trust me. but i promise, my ears are open for you to talk.

COMMENTS

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FatalAttraction
03:13 Mar 01 2012

It doesn't matter how many times I read over your story, it doesn't get easier for me to read. i still want to cry even if I just learned of your story. I'm glad you got out but I hate the man who took your daughter from you. What angers me most is knowing that he is probably still out there acting as if nothing ever happened.



I'm so sorry hun for your loss and of how it happened. You know I'm here for you when you need me and I'm glad you shared your story with me. I really am.

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moonkissed
03:49 Mar 01 2012

I wish you so much luck. I think it would be great if you could devote your time and energy to women(and men, men do get abused too and sometimes it is worse because no one wants to believe that a man can be abused by a woman)who are actively seeking help. I lived 10 years with an abuser who happened to be an alcoholic. My kids were the reason I stayed and the motivation that I had for leaving. I have tried talking sense to people who complained of abuse only to be rebuffed and told that their situation was nothing like mine because their abuser was trying to do better, was changing.

No one changes. They might stop drinking or using but the manipulation and abuse never ends, they just get better at not getting caught. I admire your determination. You will be frustrated, disappointed and at times you may want to give up.

Stand by what you believe in and be willing to grow with your experience.

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the other day, i got the most amazing advice from someone. she told me to live for my daughter, and that is exactly what i am going to do from now on.



so i want to dedicate this journal to

https://www.vampirerave.com/profiles/profiles2.php?profile=fatalattraction



Most of you may have read my last journal entry, and saw that i was having a rough time, but the girl in the link above, had given me the best advice. I am always worrying about where my daughter is, and who is taking care of her, because i cant. and Fatalattraction told me to live for her.



and shes right. i need to just hold my head up high, and live for her. and show her how much of a hard working mom i am. I dont want my daughter to look down and think of me as a faillier or as someone that didnt try. I want her to see me as someone that worked hard for what i got.



I have spent so much time worrying about where she is at, and if she is looking down on me. And im a mom, i am always going to do that. but from now on, i am going to work for her, and work as if i was working and holding my head up for both of as if she was here walking next me.



She would be 2 years old on Halloween. i miss her so much, though i never got to meet her. But that doesnt change the fact that i am a mom, and that she is looking down on me, and i am here not with her. She is still my baby. And i am now going to work for her, not me. Everything that i do from this point on is going to be for Raven.



But i just want to say thank you to Fatalattraction for opening my eyes, and make me realize that i have to live for her, and put all the bad aside, and think of how my daughter is looking down on me and viewing me.



I want what every parent wants. their childern to look at them like they are their hero. and all i can do is hope is that i am her hero.

i know that im not the best person, but i am working, and i am human. and i am going to work on every aspect of my life, to show my daughter that mommy loves her, and wants good things for me, and for her even though she isnt here.

COMMENTS

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FatalAttraction
03:14 Mar 01 2012

I'm glad I could help you. And I'm glad you trusted me enough to share your story with me.

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