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I honestly don't get it anymore. No matter what I do it's just not enough. I'm still just a problem in her freaking life. I mean xmas guess what she did? She rushed us to my dad's to be there right on time for my brothers birthdat. She made sure we wer there and singing to him at 11:56 am

she had cake with him and then she just pawned all my plans on someone else and left while I was in the bathroom. So now she's refused my birthday, thanksgiving and xmas with me... Am I that bad of a person? I mean I try to be there for everyone and do my best to ot get mad and keep a cool head, but honestly am I a bitch you guys?



cuz I mean, there's nothing worse then feeling unwanted by ur parents on xmas. Normally I can suck it up and pretend it doesnr bother me... But this is xmas.. And.... I just... I bawled my eyes out about it... I can honestly say if I didn't hate her before I do now. And the first chance I get to move out will be taken. I'm not putting up with this till I'm 18, cuz 8 months and a few days is way to long to wait. I just can't do it. I spend every day hoping that maybe, maybe me and mom can fix things between us. Maybe I could be more flxible... But I'm starting to see, it's not me at all, it her. 100%

and there's not a god damned thing I can do about it... Fuck it all to hell right? Okay that's it you guys... Love you hope you had happier holidays.



I don't have enough strength to fight with neone else... So please don't start anything with me. I'm just done. I don't want anymore dama. I just want everyone to be happy. So don't talk to me unless you need me, and if you need me, by all means, no matter what it is talk to me. There's nothing worse then having noone there for you, I know that for a fact..

at the end of the day it's nice to know my mom thinks she's perfect and everyone around her are the fuck ups, me being the queen of them all. Me being her biggest problem of all her kids. I fucked up her life. If not for me she'd still be with the love of her life (this piece of shit that told me every day from age 12-15 that I was a fat, ugly waste of space) That she would still be living where she was happy (alabama where all my super close friends and family are 13 hrs away) I ruiened her career (tho she was the one they fired for being to old to work in a nuring home) and I stole her youth!! Ok, Idk what you guys think, but I say after you hit 50 ur old!! I'm sorry she lost her youth long ago thank you.



She loves to point out to me I'm not a virgin, I won't get nething better then a standard deploma.oh and my dad was a know good lazy ass pothead and How much I remind her of how much she can't stand him.



Then we have the sad emo threats

1.) I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up, be done with everything here

2.) why don't I just go get a gun and shoot myself in the head.

3.) one of these days I'm just going to have enough of you and drive over some bridge.

and her favorite4.) I'm smoking my life away, I do ot need to get old enough to have the headache of ur own kids.

I have no reason to... But I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.... Idk wtf is wrong with me.... Ugh...

Thanks to the amazing snow out side I ish free from going to skewl till 10:30 :)) this makes meh happeh inside :P



I just hope they decide to cancel skewl all togethers :P I really don't feel lyk walking today, and my puppy doesn't want me to go either lolz.

I hope everything os okau with daniel!!Cupcake I'm praying for you! I'm here no matter what you find out. You def will not be alone if it's anything to serious! Just keep your chin up best friend!!



I love you hun!

Sometimes laying here in the tub just pisses me off... It took 3 years for me to be able to sit in a tub of water without crying after I started being afraid of waters depth...

now as much as I love baths, you would never know that the site of a creek or pond even makes me uneasy. Or that every time I walk on the bridge over the park's creek that I have to close mt eyes and distract myself...

There are alot of people who have tried to change this about me, thing they an break me of this... But they have always just failed because this is a personal issue... I have to want to do it.. But I'm to scared, it bothers me, but hey, there's just nothing you can do about somethings, it's just easier to play ot off lyk it's no big deal..



so that was my rant of the day... Just having a moment :P

I wish I could take all the broken pieces of hearts shattered and mend them into something stronger... So much saddness sourrounding the people I love, Not much I can do to make it better either. I wish I could share my happiness with the world... I love you guys, just know I'm always here.

I wish I could hand you happiness and give to you and only you as an indefinate gift. Your depression bothers me, and I barley know you..I wish that I could help you take your words to a higher place and never feel saddness's weight again, ever coming from your direction. I wish I knew the key to making you smile. I wish you wouldn't hide the lock in frustration. I hate this interactive social wall between us because it locks me out when all I want to do is help :(

I'm going to do this here though there isn't really anyyone on here that this applies to. But imy resolution is to put away all my grudges and hate towards everyone and just learn to fogive, though I can NEVER FORGET. Alot of people have hurt me int the last couple years and I forgive you for what you did, but if your not in my life right now that's the way iys always going to be from for now on. I want this year to start off fresh, and for alot of scars to get covered up for good.

thanks

My doggie ish cuddling wiff me, and has been all day!! I am so happy I have my puppy here. I don't have to be home alone all the time nemores!! Yay!!

I am in the car on the way home with my new doggie HOPE!!!

she is so pretty and sweet!! I wil try to put up pictures with her soon!!!

I am so happy I has a doggie now.

I feel so much better today :))

Its pretty outside too!!!

All of Indiana is covered in snow and this makes me afully happy. I dont lyk cold, but who couldnt enjoy the brilliant blankets of white that have covered the world around us? not me, thatsx for sure!!! the only pain in the ass is walking all the way to the library in it haha.