The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Friendship
00:23 Jan 30 2010
Times Read: 549

Friendship is one of the main things that makes life worthwhile. When you have a friend to confide in, suffering seems more bearable, and pleasures are more intense. Everything is better when you have a friend to share it with. When a friendship breaks, whether or not it is for the best, there is a degree of pain and mourning that an individual goes through. There were things that you may have done only with that person and you feel a void in your life. Take some time to let yourself mourn before moving on to other relationships.

The Boss
05:15 Jan 21 2010
Times Read: 580

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”



Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

The shower
05:13 Jan 21 2010
Times Read: 581

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.



After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…



“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Abuse
05:05 Jan 21 2010
Times Read: 583

The trauma of abuse is never fully gone from a person's consciousness. Its filthy stain leaves its residue on the soul forever. However, like all bad experiences, it is possible to turn this experience into good by developing compassion and empathy for others who have been through this experience. Many people feel that bringing meaning to a traumatic experience is a path to healing. When I turn a negative experience into a tool that brings meaning into my life and others, I am taking the best kind of revenge on my abuser.

hmmm likes this
19:21 Jan 18 2010
Times Read: 591

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

very true
02:12 Jan 18 2010
Times Read: 597

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Mae West





This is so true don't know you may like it always try new things

Worse Pick up Line from a Man
04:53 Jan 15 2010
Times Read: 607

I had the worse pick up Line of my life today



and all i could do was laugh at him !!!





I have a small winky, but a big bank account.

girls night out
06:09 Jan 12 2010
Times Read: 612

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.



The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The frog
19:25 Jan 10 2010
Times Read: 629

A lady walks into the bar and plops down a frog. She says bartender, a gin and tonic and a martini for the frog. The bartender says what's so special about the frog. She leans over into the bartenders ear and says "This frog gives the best blowjob you've ever had."

The bartender picks the frog up and carries it back to the bathroom. Ten minutes later he emerges with a big smile on his face. "How much for the frog?" he asks. She says, "I hadn't really thought about selling him, ... but I guess five hundred dollars would be enough.



Bartender takes the frog home. Later that night, his wife walks in the kitchen. There is flour strewed from the refirgerator to the top of the sinks. She says what the hell is going on in here? !!!! He replies "I'm teaching this frog how to make biscuits, and as soon as he learns... your ass is outta here!"

A Navajo prayer
23:24 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 635

In harmony may I walk.

With harmony before me may I walk.

With harmony behind me may I walk.

With harmony above me may I walk.

With harmony underneath my feet, may I walk.

With harmony all around me may I walk.

It is done in harmony.

Drivers Licence
19:18 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 640




A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.



She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Only three doors
19:14 Jan 09 2010
Times Read: 642




An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.



The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"



The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

blood facts
06:37 Jan 07 2010
Times Read: 647

Two million red blood cells die every second.

There are approximately 100,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body.

Seven percent of a humans body weight is made up of blood.

In the early nineteenth century some advertisements claimed that riding the carousel was good for the circulation of blood.

Each day 400 gallons of recycled blood are pumped through the kidneys.

By donating just one pint of blood, four lives can be saved.

Blood is such a good stain that Native Americans used it for paint.

The kidneys filter over 400 gallons of blood each day.

The average life span of a single red blood cell is 120 days.

Blood accounts for about 8% of a human's body weight.

A woman has approximately 4.5 liters of blood in her body, while men have 5.6 liters.

Your blood takes a very long trip through your body. If you could stretch out all of a human's blood vessels, they would be about 60,000 miles long. That's enough to go around the world twice.

Half your body’s red blood cells are replaced every seven days.

If all the blood vessels in your body were laid end to end, they would reach about 60,000 miles.

out done
06:34 Jan 07 2010
Times Read: 650

One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

have to have it
06:33 Jan 07 2010
Times Read: 651

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.



I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.



If you would do this for me no one would ever know.



I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.



I am very desperate and I need your help.



You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.



I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..



Do you have a piece of gum?

Blonde
18:17 Jan 05 2010
Times Read: 661

A blonde walks into a store and sees a t.v. that she wants. So she goes to the front desk and said "I would like to buy that tv." Then the clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." She comes back the next day with red hair and she asked for the tv. The clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." The day after that, she came back with black hair and asked for the tv. The clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes" The day after that she came back with green hair and asked for the tv. The clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." She said, "OK, good job, but how did you know I was a blonde?" The clerk says, "That's not a tv, that's a microwave."

Flat Tummy
21:13 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 663

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.



When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.



The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"



The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."



"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.



"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.



"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

Low Sperm Count
21:09 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 664




A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!

undertaker
20:57 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 665

A guy dies while making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

Cars
06:51 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 671

Three women were talking about their love lives.



The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."



The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."



The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

Grass sandwhich
06:49 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 672

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.



While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".



She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."



A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".



She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."



Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".



She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Office Party
17:08 Jan 02 2010
Times Read: 684

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding

headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the

preceding evening.



After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put

some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last

night. Was it as bad as I think?”



“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of

yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you

insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”



“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”



“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”



“Well, screw him!” said John.



“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

THAT'S LOVE!
22:39 Jan 01 2010
Times Read: 690

THAT'S LOVE!



An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.



He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."



After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

hmm makes you think
22:17 Jan 01 2010
Times Read: 693

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.