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Yup that's right, I'm turning the big 21 on monday. But what sucks is that its on a fucking monday. I mean why did my 21st bday have to be on monday. Does it have no respect for those of us who have to work.

Things seem to be getting better between and my special angel. We are communicating a lot better, seeing less of each other but i'm dealing. He just sent me an email that made my world flip upside down and back around. He's so awesome. I love him to death. He's great. I'll post more later. Good night everyone!!!

Today is such a blah day. I feel so down. I would think that b/c I get to still be friends with the guy that I love that it would be okay. I mean I feel if I'm not grateful for what I do have then it will be taken away from me. Not that it doesn't happen all the time. People I care about leaving me. I'm so stupid sometimes. I know this going to happen (people forsaking me) but yet I don't prepare myself. But i guess you can never really prepare yourself for the pain that comes along. The loneliness that takes over your mind when you look around and see that no one's there. I don't want to lose him at all. But he was never really mine to take or have. So why did all this happen? If it wasn't supposed to happen. I just keep thinking about the pain and what its going to feel like once she does come back. Everything is going to be different. Except the nightmares and the unsettling feeling when I wake and realize that I'm not okay and I can't just see him whenever I want. I just need to get it through my head that he was never mine. Its funny though, how i can be sitting right in front of him and you would think that it would make me extremely happy b/c for now I do sort of have him, but all I can hear in my head is that "She'll always have me." Or "I'll never love you as much as you love me." Or better yet "You need to let go, b/c you don't have a chance." But yet when he said that last one he said he was afraid. I already mentioned that in my last write. But that's still fucked up. I mean why say something like I'm afraid about when she comes back, what if I realize I don't love her anymore and its you I love. Why would someone say that to another person who they know is deeply in love with them. I mean it's like holding candy in front of child and saying if you do good I might just give it to you. You can have taste of everything she takes for granted but yet you still can't have it all. Yes, she does take everything for granted but yet he says that when he sees her smile or the way she smiles at him makes him feel that all the stuff he does for her in the past seven years is all worth it. Like she is grateful. Maybe its just me trying to make things better on myself. Like I'm just trying to always see the bad side of the situation. I dont know. But I lost my train of thought b/c he interrupted it. Well, this is it for now. Someone tell me what I should do, I mean seriously.

So yesterday I found out that an ex of mine is getting a divorce. Which I thought would be so awesome a long time ago, but now I dont care. To make a long story short he was my first love and she was my best friend. I went to go get some coffee with him and there was no feelings. Unlike him. He kept asking me all these questions about my feelings. I felt bad b/c I knew basically what he was trying to get at. When we were about to leave though, he kissed me and then asked me if i hated him. I was like no, I dont hate people. And he asked if he did it again would I? Then I said yes. He wanted to know why and I told him my heart belonged to someone else, even though that person may and never will return those feelings. I can't just turn my feelings on and off. I wish it was that easy. And besides, just b/c their relationship didn't work out doesn't mean I want to be with him. She may settle for sloppy seconds, but not me. I have a lot more respect for myself than that. Any ways, it was traumatizing for him to kiss me. yuck.

Where do I begin? I sometimes wonder just what exactly is going on upstairs, like in the other world. Are they playing chess with my life or what. I mean all these so called coindences that have been happening. The guy that I love so dearly and supposedly loves me to, has seen these things to. Like stupid stuff, like a song comes on the radio at the right moment or things just happen and ... This is so confusing. I mean yeah he's married and maybe this was not supposed to happen. But it did and so now what? i can't change the fact that it happened and neither can he. So why does he feel so guilty? If he wanted it to happen and it still happens then why? He told that he was afraid that when she got back from overseas (which is so bad) he would realize that he loved me more than her or that he was in love with me and not her. I have to admit that would be awesome, b/c i have never loved anyone like this before. I guess I just want to know why all of this happened if nothing is to come of it except friendship.