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46 entries this month
 

Restroom signs

17:28 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 785


> Friends don't let friends

> take home ugly men

> Women's restroom

> Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

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> Beauty is only a light switch away.

> Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

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> If life is a waste of time,

> and time is a waste of life,

> then let's all get wasted together

> and have the time of our lives.

> Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

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> Remember, it's not,

> "How high are you?"

> it's "Hi, how are you?"

> Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

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> Fighting for peace is like

> screwing for virginity.

> The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

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> No matter how good she looks,

> some other guy is sick and tired

> of putting up with her shit.

> Men's Room

> Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

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> At the feast of ego

> everyone leaves hungry.

> Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

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> It's hard to make a comeback

> when you haven't been anywhere.

> Written in the dust on the back of a bus,

> Wickenburg, AZ

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> Make love, not war.

> -Hell, do both

> GET MARRIED!

> Women's restroom

> The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

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> If voting could really change things,

> it would be illegal.

> Revolution Books

> New York, New York.

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> If pro is opposite of con,then what is the

>

> opposite of progress? Congress!

> Men's restroom House of Representatives,

> Washington, DC

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> Express Lane:

> Five beers or less

> Sign over one of the urinals

> Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

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> You're too good for him.

> Sign over mirror in Women's restroom

> Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

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> No wonder you always go home alone.

> Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,

> Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

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> and my favorite, and most realistic one ~~~

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> A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

> If it has tires or testicles,

> you're going to have trouble with it.

> Women's restroom

> Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX


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NIAGARA FALLS IN 1911

17:26 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 786


Thought you might appreciate seeing this old photo. I've read of this but never saw the photo before. Makes you wonder just HOW COLD and HOW LONG it was that cold!! brrr



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THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN WHEN NIAGARA FALLS WAS COMPLETELY FROZEN IN THE YEAR 1911. A VERY RARE PHOTO.



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Menopause Dwarfs

17:16 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 788


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Some Awesome Piloting...

17:10 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 790


If you don't think our military pilots earn their pay you need to take a look at this picture and then look again and realize what you're seeing...





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This photo was taken by a soldier in Afghanistan of a helo rescue mission. The pilot is a PA Guard guy who flies EMS choppers in civilian life. Now how many people on the planet you reckon could set the ass end of a chopper down on the roof top of a shack on a steep mountain cliff and hold it there while soldiers load wounded men in the rear? If this does not impress you ... nothing ever will. Gives me the chills and a serious case of the vertigo ... I can't even imagine having the nerve ... much less the talent and ability ... God Bless our military!!!!!





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Panty Hose Quiz

16:56 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 793


Pantyhose quiz









Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?



Now, think about it...













Ready?





















Answer:







10 little piggies

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2 calves ,







1 ass,

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and an unknown number of hares.

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And of course one (1) . . .



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That is What the Beer is For.

16:54 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 794


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A Senior Moment

16:52 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 795


> > An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon

> > returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her

> > vehicle.

> >

> > She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream

> > at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get

out

> > of the car!"

> >

> > The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran

> > like mad.

> >

> > The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her

> > shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the

> > driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the

> > ignition.

> >

> > She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...

> > For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a

> > Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...

> >

> > A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces

> > farther down.

> >

> > She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to

report

> > her mistake.

> >

> > The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

> >

> > He pointed to the other end of the counter, where

> > four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad,

> > elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses,

> > curly white

> > hair and carrying a large handgun.

> >

> > No charges were filed.

> >

> > Moral of the story?

> >

> > If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

> >


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To Be 6 Again

16:49 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 797


You gotta give him a bit of credit for trying..................







A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife turning back and forth,

Looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday



Was not far off he asked what she'd like to have

For her Birthday.



I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking

In the mirror.



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,

Made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,

And then took her to Six Flags theme park.



What a day! He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming

Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme

Park Her head was reeling and her stomach felt

Upside down.



He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered

Her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate

Shake.



Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,

And her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous

Adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her

Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.



He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly

Asked, ?Well Dear, what was it like being six again??





Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression

Suddenly changed.



I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,

He is gonna get it wrong.


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Me Mudder

16:48 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 798


When me prayers were poorly said

Who tucked me in me widdle bed

And spanked me till me ass was red,









Me Mudder!



Who took me from me cozy cot

And put me on the ice cold pot

And made me pee when I could not,



Me Mudder!



And when the morning light would come

And in me crib me dribbled some

Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,



Me Mudder!



Who would me hair so neatly part

And hug me gently to her heart

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,



Me Mudder!



Who looked at me with eyebrows knit

And nearly have a king size fit

When in me Sunday pants me shit ,



Me Mudder!



When at night her bed did squeak

Me raised me head to have a peak

Who yelled at me to go to sleep,



Me Fadder!





I hope this keeps ya

giggling all day.


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coffee

16:46 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 799


A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things

were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and

wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as

one problem was solved, a new one arose.



Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and

placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she

placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed

ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.



In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the

carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and

placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a

bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.



Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did

and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take

an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard

boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The

daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What

does it mean, mom?"



Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same

adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in

strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the

boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its

thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting

through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.



The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the

boiling water, they had changed the water.



"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your

door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?



Think of this: Which am I?



Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I

wilt, become soft and lose my strength?



Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the

heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a

financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and

stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and

tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?



Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the

very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it

releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things

are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.



When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you

elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a

carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?



May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you

strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.



The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they

just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest

future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in

life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.



When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone

around you is crying.



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WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SWALLOW OCEAN WATER! (NEBBER EBBER)

16:43 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 800


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The Frog and Golf

16:34 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 804


A man takes the day off work and

decides to go out golfing

He is on the second hole when he

notices a frog sitting next to

the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is



about to shoot when he



hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."



The man looks around and doesn't



see anyone. Again, he

hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks

at the frog and decides to



prove the frog wrong, puts the

club away, and grabs a 9 iron.



Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the



cup. He is shocked. He says

to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.



You must be a lucky frog, eh?



The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog

with him to the next hole.



"What do you think frog?" the



man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."



The guy takes out a 3 wood and,

Boom! Hole in one. The



man is befuddled and doesn't know



what to say. By the end



of the day, the man golfed the



best game of golf in his life and

asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas





" They go to Las Vegas

and the guy says, "OK frog, now

what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon

approaching the roulette table, The man



asks, "What do you think I should

bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit

$3000, black 6."



Now, this is a

million-to-one shot to win, but

after the golf game the man



figures what the heck.



Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table



The man takes his winnings and

buys the best room in the

hotel. He sits the frog down and

says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

You've won me all this money and

I am forever grateful."



The frog replies,



"Ribbit KissMe."

He figures why not,



since after all the frog did for

him, he deserves it. With a

kiss, the frog turns into a

gorgeous 15-year-old girl.



"And that, your honor, is how the girl



ended up in my room. So help me God



or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


COMMENTS

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Making Pancakes

16:32 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 806


Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.



He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.



Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.



He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly, he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically, he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.



And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.



Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!



That's how God deals with us.. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.



Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.



But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...



I was thinking, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said. Sometimes " I love you" can heal and bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.



Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!



And remember never stop "making pancakes."



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Cat in the Hat on Aging

16:30 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 807


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Cat in the Hat on Beer

16:30 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 808


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A Poem That Gives You Goosebumps...

16:28 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 809


> A drunk man in an Oldsmobile

>

> They said had run the light

>

> That caused the six-car pileup

>

> On 109 that night.

>

> When broken bodies lay about

>

> "And blood was everywhere,"

>

> "The sirens screamed out eulogies,"

>

> For death was in the air.

>

> "A mother, trapped inside her car,"

>

> Was heard above the noise;

>

> Her plaintive plea near split the air:

>

> "Oh, God, please spare my boys!"

>

> She fought to loose her pinned hands;

>

> "She struggled to get free,"

>

> But mangled metal held her fast

>

> In grim captivity.

>

> Her frightened eyes then focused

>

> "On where the back seat once had been,"

>

> But all she saw was broken glass and

>

> Two children's seats crushed in.

>

> Her twins were nowhere to be seen;

>

> "She did not hear them cry, "

>

> "And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, "

>

> "Oh, God, don't let them die! "

>

> Then firemen came and cut her loose, "

>

> "But when they searched the back, "

>

> "They found therein no little boys, "

>

> But the seat belts were intact.

>

> They thought the woman had gone mad

>

> "And was traveling alone, "

>

> "But when they turned to question her, "

>

> They discovered she was gone.

>

> Policemen saw her running wild

>

> And screaming above the noise

>

> "In beseeching supplication, "

>

> Please help me find my boys!

>

> They're four years old and wear blue shirts;

>

> "Their jeans are blue to match.""

>

> "One cop spoke up, ""They're in my car, "

>

> And they don't have a scratch.

>

> They said their daddy put them there

>

> "And gave them each a cone, "

>

> Then told them both to wait for Mom

>

> To come and take them home.

>

> "I've searched the area high and low, "

>

> But I can't find their dad.

>

> "He must have fled the scene, "

>

> "I guess, and that is very bad."

>

> "The mother hugged the twins and said, "

>

> "While wiping at a tear, "

>

> "He could not flee the scene, you see, "

>

> "For he's been dead a year."

>

> "The cop just looked confused and asked, "

>

> "Now, how can that be true? "

>

> "The boys said, ""Mommy, Daddy came "

>

> "And left a kiss for you."" "

>

> He told us not to worry

>

> "And that you would be all right, "

>

> And then he put us in this car with

>

> "The pretty, flashing light. "

>

> "We wanted him to stay with us, "

>

> "Because we miss him so, "

>

> "But Mommy, he just hugged us tight "

>

> And said he had to go.

>

> He said someday we'd understand

>

> "And told us not to fuss, "

>

> "And he said to tell you, Mommy, "

>

> "He's watching over us."

>

> The mother knew without a doubt

>

> "That what they spoke was true, "

>

> "For she recalled their dad's last words, "

>

> " I will watch over you."

>

> The firemen's notes could not explain

>

> "The twisted, mangled car, "

>

> And how the three of them escaped

>

> Without a single scar.

>

> "But on the cop's report was scribed, "

>

> "In print so very fine, "

>

> An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.

>


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Lipstick in school

16:22 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 811


> >According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, > >MI was recently faced with a unique problem.

> >

> >A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick

> >and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they

> >put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror

> >leaving dozens of little lip prints.

> >

> >Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the

> >next day, the girls would put them back.

> >

> >Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

> >He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the

> >maintenance man.

> >

> >He explained that all these lip prints were causing a

> >major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors

> >every night.

> >

> >To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,

> >he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was

> >required.

> >

> >He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the

> >toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have

> >been no lip prints on the mirror.

> >

> >THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

> >There are teachers, and then there are Educators


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ONLY IN AMERICA

16:20 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 812


ONLY IN AMERICA:



Only in America! .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to

get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !



Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our

useless junk in the garage.



Only in America....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in

Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ....



Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?



Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !



Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?



Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?



Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the

whole plane out of that stuff?!



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



------------------



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Diarrhea

16:19 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 813


A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around

house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to

break something.

The boy continues.

"Johnny!" his mom screams, "Knock it off. You're going to break

something"

He stops, and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up wi th the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and

it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in, and while putting away the groceries gets the urge- A

diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,

out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what

she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown

thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the

situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine

everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his

knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out

his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The

ballon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the

first time I've ever seen a fart!"


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Living Wills

16:19 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 814


My wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some

machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer


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Pasta Diet

16:18 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 815


The Pasta Diet and Your Health



ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!



1. You walka pasta da bakery.



2.. You walka pasta da candy store.



3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.



4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.



You will lose weight!



AND......



CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?



For those of you who watch what you eat,

here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth

after all those conflicting

nutritional studies.



1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than

Americans.



2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



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Two Men in a Bar

16:17 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 816


Two guys are sitting in the bar late one night. when one turns to the

other and says;

"Did you know lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"



"Damn!" said the other guy. "And I just joined the Moose."



COMMENTS

-



 

Geography of a Woman and Man

16:15 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 817


> GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

>

> Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild,

> naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

>

> Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to

> trade, especially for someone with cash.

>

> Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and

> convinced of her own beauty.

>

> Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging but still warm

> and a desirable place to visit.

>

> Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain n, with a glorious and

> all conquering past.

>

> Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost the war and haunted

> by past mistakes.

>

> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are

> now unpatrolled.

>

> After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past

> and the wisdom of the ages.....only those with an adventurous spirit and

> a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

>

>

>

> GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

>

> Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick


COMMENTS

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Why God Made Mothers

16:14 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 818


> Why God made Moms - BRILLIANT

> Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

>

> Why did God make mothers?

> 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

> 2. Mostly to clean the house.

> 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

>

> How did God make mothers?

> 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

> 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

> 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger

> parts.

>

> What ingredients are mothers made of?

> 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice

> in the world and one dab of mean.

> 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

> string, I think.

>

> Why did God give you your mother & not some other mom?

> 1. We're related

> 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

>

> What kind of little girl was your mom?

> 1 . My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

> 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

> bossy.

> 3. They say she used to be nice.

>

> What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

> 1. His last name.

> 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get

> drunk on beer?

> 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to

> chores?

>

> Why did your mom marry your dad?

> 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

> 2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

> 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

>

> Who's the boss at your house?

> 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a

> goof ball.

> 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the

> bed.

> 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

>

> What's the difference between moms & dads?

> 1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

> 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

> 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

> that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

> 4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

>

> What does your mom do in her spare time?

> 1. Mothers don't do spare time.

> 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

>

> What would it take to make your mom perfect?

> 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

> plastic surgery.

> 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

>

> If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

> 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid

> of that.

> 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who

> did it and not me.

> 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back

> of her head.


COMMENTS

-



 

The Book "You Can Be The Man Of YOUR House"

16:11 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 819


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.



He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.



Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



His wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess."





COMMENTS

-



 

The Rock

16:09 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 820


?I'm told that there is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Hwy.25 in

ruralIowa

. For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on

this

rock, changing its character many times. A few months back, the rock

received its latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely

undisturbed. It's quite an impressive sight. Be sure to scroll down and

check out the multiple photos (all angles) of the rock. I thought the flag

was draped over the rock, but it's not. It's actually painted on the rock

too.



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



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Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



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Here's the artist Ray "Bubba" Sorensen.



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AWESOME Work, RAY...Thank you!



"God Bless America "

&

"OUR SOLDIERS AND VETS"


COMMENTS

-



 

Sisters

16:04 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 821


A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,

> drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As

> they talked about life, about marriage, about the

> responsibilities of life and the obligations of

> adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her

> glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance

> upon her daughter.

>

> "Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling

> the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll

> be more important as you get older. No matter how

> much you love your husband, no matter how much you

> love the children you may have, you are still going

> to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now

> and then; do things with them."

>

> "Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...

> your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other

> women relatives too. "You'll need other women. Women

> always do."

>

> What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman

> thought. Haven't I just gotten married?

> Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a

> married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely

> my husband and the family we may start will be all I

> need to make my life worthwhile!'

>

> But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact

> with her Sisters and made more women friends each

> year. As the years tumbled by, one after another,

> she gradually came to understand that her Mom really

> knew what she was talking about. As time and nature

> work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman,

> Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

>

> After more than 50 years of living in this world,

> here is what I've learned:

>

> THIS SAYS IT ALL:

>

> Time passes.

> Life happens.

> Distance separates.

> Children grow up.

> Jobs come and go.

> Love waxes and wanes.

> Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

> Hearts break.

> Parents die.

> Colleagues forget favors.

> Careers end.

> BUT.........

>

> Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how

> many miles are

> between you. A girl friend is never farther away

> than needing her can reach.

>

> When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you

> have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life

> will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on,

> praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on

> your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the

> valley's end.

>

> Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk

> beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

>

> Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,

> daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,

> Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended

> family, all bless our life!

>

> The world wouldn't be the same without women, and

> neither would I. When we began this adventure called

> womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or

> sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we

> would need each other.

>


COMMENTS

-



 

FYI

16:03 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 822


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,

it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which

almost went unnoticed last week.

>

>

>

>

> Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at

the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him

into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble

started.

>

>

>

> Shut up. You know it's funny.


COMMENTS

-



 

Now you know

16:02 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 823




A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.



"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"



"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"



"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the

relationship between this and Mad Cow?"



"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"



"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"



"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

COMMENTS

-



 

A Woman's Brain

16:00 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 825


Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting













Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.





A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.







COMMENTS

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The Story of Ralph & Edna

15:58 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 827


Ralph and Edna were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they

were

walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into

the

deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna

promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled

Ralph

out.



When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital.....for she

now

considered Edna to be mentally stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna", I have good

news

and bad news.



The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to

rationally

respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another

patient.......I have concluded that your act displays sound

mindedness.



The bad news is, Ralph, your friend the patient that you saved, hung

himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved

him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead."



Edna replied "He didn't hang himself", I put him there to dry. Now

"How

soon can I go home???"


COMMENTS

-



 

What is your personality?

15:54 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 830


Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.

> > Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do

> > you most resemble?

> >

> > A group of investigators got together and analyzed the

> > personalities of well known and modern cartoon

> > characters.

> >

> > The information that was gathered was made into this

> > test. Answer all the questions with what describes you

> > best, add up all your points (which are next to the

> > answer that you choose) at the end and look for your

> > results.

> >

> > Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail

> > before you are done. Then forward this to all your

> > friends (including the person who sent it to you) and

> > change the subject of this message to what character

> > is you.

> >

> >

> > 1. Which one of the following describes the perfect

> > date?

> >

> > a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)

> > b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)

> > c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)

> > d) Rock concert (1 pt.)

> > e) Go! ing to the movies (3 pts.)

> >

> >

> > 2. What is your favorite type of music?

> >

> > a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)

> > b) Alternative (1 pt.)

> > c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)

> > d) Country (5 pts.)

> > e) Pop (3 pts.)

> >

> >

> > 3. What type of movies do you prefer?

> >

> > a) Comedy (2 pts.)

> > b) Horror (1 pt.)

> > c) Musical (3 pts.)

> > d) Romance (4 pts.)

> > e) Documentary (5 pts.)

> >

> >

> > 4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if

> > you only could choose one of these?

> >

> > a) Waiter (4 pts.)

> > b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)

> > c) Teacher (3 pts.)

> > d) Police (2 pts.)

> > e) Cashier (1 pt)

> >

> >

> > 5. What do you do with your spare time?

> >

> > a) Exercise (5 pts.)

> > b) Read (4 pts.)

> > c) Watch television (2 pts.)

> > d) Listen to music (1 pt.)

> > e) Sleep (3 pts.)

> >

> > 6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?

> >

> > a) Yellow (1 pt.)

> > b) White (5 pts.)

> > c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)

> > d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)

> > e) Red (4 pts.)

> >

> >

> > 7. What do you p! refer t o eat right now?

> >

> > a) Snow (3 pts.)

> > b) Pizza (2 pts.)

> > c) Sushi (1 pt. )

> > d) Pasta (4 pts.)

> > e) Salad (5 pts.)

> >

> >

> > 8. What is your favorite holiday?

> >

> > a) Halloween (1 pt.)

> > b) Christmas (3 pts.)

> > c) New Year (2 pts.)

> > d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)

> > e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

> >

> >

> > 9. If you could go to one of these places which one

> > would it be?

> >

> > a) Paris (4 pts)

> > b) Spain (5 pts)

> > c) Las Vegas (1 pt)

> > d) Hawaii (4 pts)

> > e) Hollywood (3 pts)

> >

> >

> > 10. With which of the following would you prefer to

> > spend time?

> >

> > a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)

> > b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)

> > c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)

> > d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)

> > e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Now add up your points and find out the answer you

> > have been waiting for! Put your character in the

> > subject line and forward to your friends and back to

> > the person that sent this to you. Ver! y inter esting to

> > see "who"

> > your friends are!

> >

> > (10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very

> > comfortable, easy going,and you definitely know how to

> > have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You

> > always know what you are doing and you are always in

> > control of your life. Others may not see things as you

> > do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do

> > what is right. Try to remember your happy spirit may

> > hurt you or others.

> >

> > (17-23 points) You are Snoopy : You are fun, you are

> > very cool and popular. You always know what's in and

> > you never are out of style. You are good at knowing

> > how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably

> > disappeared

> > for a few days more than once but you always come home

> > with the family values that you learned. Being married

> > and having children are important to you, but only

> > after you have had your share of fun times.

> >

> >

> > (24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends

> > and y! ou are also popular, always willing to give

> > advice and help out a person in need. You are very

> > optimistic and you always see the bright side of

> > things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a

> > dreamer, if not you will have many conflicts with

> > life.

> >

> >

> > (29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants : You

> > are the classic person that everyone loves. You are

> > the best friend that anyone could ever have and never

> > want to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they

> > would

> > never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey,

> > it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from

> > traitors and jealous people, and then you will be

> > stress free.

> >

> >

> > (36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown : You are tender,

> > you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious

> > about all relationships. You are a family person. You

> > call your mom every Sunday.. You have many friends and

> > may occasionally forget a few Birthdays . Don't! let

> > your passion confuse you with reality.

> >

> >

> > (44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and

> > definitely a thinker. Every situation is fronted with

> > a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate

> > very strong family principles. Maintain a stable

> > routine but never ignore a bad situation when it

> > comes.

> >


COMMENTS

-



 

Redhead

15:53 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 831




A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says "her body

hurts, wherever she touches it.



"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."



The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then

she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee

and

screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her

ankle,

more screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her scream.



Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are you?"



"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."



"I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."







COMMENTS

-



 

WHERE WOULD YOU BE

15:52 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 832


WHERE WOULD YOU BE:



IF ~ YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?



IF ~ YOU HAD NO WORRIES?



IF ~ YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?



IF ~ YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?



IF ~ YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?



IF ~ YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?









SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?





HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!







YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!!!







COMMENTS

-



 

I Wish You Love

15:51 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 833


A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."



>



> "Is the man of the house home?", they asked.



>



> "No", she replied. "He's out."



>



> "Then we cannot come in", they replied.



>



> In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.



>



> "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"



>



> The woman went out and invited the men in"



>



> "We do not go into a House together," they replied.



>



> "Why is that?" she asked.



>



> One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."



>



> The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"



>



> His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"



>



> Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"



>



> "Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out and invite Love to be our guest."



>



> The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."



>



> Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"



>



> The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"



>



> MY WISH FOR YOU...



>



> - Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy. - Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it. - Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength. - Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.



>



COMMENTS

-



 

tough love must read!

15:50 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 834


Tough Love vs. Spanking



(a psychological conundrum)







Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, ! so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."







One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.







They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.







I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use this technique.!







Sincerely,



A Friend



SCROLL DOWN











































Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

























COMMENTS

-



 

A DIFFERENT CHRISTMAS POEM

15:47 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 835


The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,

I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,

My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,

Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,

Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,

Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.

In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,

So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.



The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,

But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the

Sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,

And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,

A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.



A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,

Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,

Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,

"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,

You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"



For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,

Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light

Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,

I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night." "It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,

That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,

I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"

Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."

My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',

And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,

But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.



Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,

The red, white, and blue... An American flag.

I can live through the cold and the being alone,

Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,

I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,

Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..

Who stand at the front against any and all,

To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."



"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,

Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,

"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done,

For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,

"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,

To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead,

To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,

That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."



COMMENTS

-



 

Men

15:46 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 836


What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be

pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO

shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is

your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom

because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of

which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add

character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at

your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered

belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle

your feet. One mood all the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about

tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all

your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of

thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be

your friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more

than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are

unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays

its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.



You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big

hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You

can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails

with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a

mustache.



You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25

minutes.



No wonder men are happier.


COMMENTS

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Redneck

15:40 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 837


The brand new edition of You know you're a redneck when...



1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.



2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.



3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.



4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.



5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.



6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.



7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.



8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.



9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.



10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.



11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.



12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.



13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.



14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.



15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.



16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.



17. You have a rag for a gas cap.



18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.



19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.



20. You can spit without opening your mouth.



21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.



22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.



23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.



24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.



25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.



26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.



28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.



29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.



30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.





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The Cremated Husband

15:39 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 838


Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.



Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on The Patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...."Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the Insurance money!"



She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"



Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"



Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman remember that blow job I promised you

Here it comes______!



COMMENTS

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Grandmas

15:38 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 839


Here's a quote from a government employee

who witnessed a recent interaction between

an elderly woman and an antiwar protester

in a Metro station in Washington D.C.:



"There were protesters on the train platform

handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

I politely declined to take one.



"An elderly woman was behind me getting off

the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester

offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

"The young protester put her hand on the old woman's

shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft

voice said,



'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'



"The old woman looked up at her and said,



'Honey, my father died in France during

World War II,



I lost my husband in Korea,



and a son in Vietnam.



All three died so you could have the right

to stand here and bad mouth our country.



And If you touch me again, I'll stick this Cane

up your butt past the hook end, and then

yank it back out."



Go Granny Go!!!!


COMMENTS

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Bad Cat

15:37 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 840


A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.



As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.



The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.



Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!



He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.



Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"



"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"



Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"


COMMENTS

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Blond Genies

15:36 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 841




> A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp

> partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

> Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three

> wishes.

> The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

> The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion

> surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to

explore

> the house.

> Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the

> floor is covered in $100 bills.

> Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are

> two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to

> the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck

> until he's dead.

> As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two

> blonde genies.

> One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first

> wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I

> can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to

> be hung like a black man is beyond me."

>

COMMENTS

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Breast Cancer

15:36 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 842


Like most elementary schools, it was typical to have a parade of students in and out of the health clinic throughout the day. We dispensed ice for bumps and bruises, Band-Aids for cuts, and liberal doses of sympathy and hugs. As principal, my office was right next door to the clinic, so I often dropped in to lend a hand and help out with the hugs. I knew that for some kids, mine might be the only one they got all day.



One morning I was putting a Band-Aid on a little girl's scraped knee. Her blonde hair was matted, and I noticed that she wa s shivering in her thin little sleeveless blouse. I found her a warm sweatshirt and helped her pull it on. "Thanks for taking care of me," she whispered as she climbed into my lap and snuggled up against me.



It wasn't long after that when I ran across an unfamiliar lump under my arm. Cancer, an aggressively spreading kind, had already invaded thirteen of my lymph nodes. I pondered whether or not to tell the students about my diagnosis. The word breast seemed so hard to say out loud to them, and the word cancer seemed so frightening. When it became evident that the children were going to find out one way or another, either the straight scoop from me or possibly a garbled version from someone else, I decided to tell them myself.



It wasn't easy to get the words out, but the empathy and concern I saw in their faces as I explained it to them told me! I had made the right decision. When I gave them a chance to ask questions, they mostly wanted to know how they could help. I told them that what I would like best would be their letters, pictures and prayers.



I stood by the gym door as the children solemnly filed out. My little blonde friend darted out of line and threw herself into my arms. Then she stepped back to look up into my face. "Don't be afraid, Dr.. Perry," she said earnestly, "I know you'll be back because now it's our turn to take care of you."



No one could have ever done a better job. The kids sent me off to my first chemotherapy session with a hilarious book of nausea remedies that they had written.



A video of every class in the school singing get-well songs accompanied me to the next chemotherapy appointment.



By the third visit, the nurses were waiting at the door to find out what I would bring next. It was a delicate music box that played "I Will Always Love You."

Even when I went into isolation at the hospital for a bone marrow transplant, the letters and pictures kept coming until they covered every wall of my room.

Then the kids traced their hands onto colored paper, cut them out and glued them together to make a freestanding rainbow of helping hands. "I feel like I've stepped into Disneyland every time I walk into this room," my doctor laughed.



That was even before the six-foot apple blossom tree arrived adorned with messages written on paper apples from the students and teachers. What healing comfort I found in being surrounded by these tokens of their caring.



At long last I was well enough to return to work. As I headed up the road to the school, I was suddenly overcome by doubts. What if the kids have forgotten all about me? I wondered, What if they don't want a skinny bald principal? What if.



I caught sight of the school marquee as I rounded the bend. "Welcome Back, Dr. Perry," it read. As I drew closer, everywhere I looked were pink ribbons - ribbons in the windows, tied on the doorknobs, even up in the trees. The children and staff wore pink ribbons, too.



My blonde buddy was first in line to greet me. "You're back, Dr. Perry, you're back!" she called. "See, I told you we'd take care of you!"

As I hugged her tight, in the back of my mind I faintly heard my music box playing . . . "I will always love you."


COMMENTS

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Priceless

15:33 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 843


Make Up $60













Boob Job $6000



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting











Forgetting To Tuck Your Nuts in... Priceless


COMMENTS

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A United States Marine

15:24 Jan 31 2007
Times Read: 844


A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the

ACLU.



One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this

platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.



The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor

eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied,

"God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit an d act like an asshole. So, He sent me."


COMMENTS

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