The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Olympic chuckles
18:48 Aug 27 2008
Times Read: 574




Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:



1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'



1. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'



1. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'



1. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'



1. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'



1. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'



1. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'



1. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'



1. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

The wisdom of George Carlin
20:02 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 586

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Nursing humor
18:36 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 590

Dear Lord, Grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

and the Wisdom

to hide the bodies of those idiots

I had to kill because they pushed me too far....









A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to

his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided

to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what

your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably deer hunting with his buddies."











A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart by pass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance,"

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun,"

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law''.

Oh what fun it is to have crazy patients!!!!
18:32 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 591

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have

you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and

held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand ."Oh, God," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"







Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying

on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and wheelchair bound.

Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold

Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much,

but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling

about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these

past couple of nights?"

He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old."

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled and said," Parkinson's disease."









Jim and Emma were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.

Emma promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Emma's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Emma, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses." "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Emma replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

IT WILL come back to bite ya!
18:25 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 592

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 A.M.".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said... "It is 5.00 A.M., wake up!"

Hmmm... would this really work?
18:22 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 593

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for

possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing

time, he saw a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his

keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the

front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. The man

was so drunk that everyone else left the bar and drove off before he had

even put the keys in the ignition. Finally, he started his engine and

began to pull away.

Chuckling at the pathetic driver, the police officer stopped him, read

him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results

showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this

could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

And My Opinion Is:
01:19 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 596

You are not the brightest crayon in the box.



Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.



Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.



And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?



Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.



Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.



Are you just working here until a good fast-food job opens up?



I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.



Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.



I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.



How many times do I have to flush before you go away?



I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?



You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.



Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?



Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?



Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.



Is it time for your medication or mine?

Chuckles....
01:14 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 597










A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The Librarian says, "Yeah Right. You won't bring it back!"







A guy walks into the psychologist's office wearing only shorts made from Saran wrap. The psychologist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."







I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline and got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.







There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your pet back!"

Aphorisms
01:10 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 601

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.



If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.



Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.



If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.



My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.



Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.



It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.



For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.



If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.



Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.



A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.



Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.



Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.



No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.



A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.



Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.



Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.



Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.



There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.



Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.



By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.



Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.



Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.



It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.



The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.



Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.



The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.



The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.



Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?



If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!



Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.



I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess” on it. So I asked, "Implants?"



I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.



I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.



There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.



I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.



I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.



Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.



How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?



Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?



Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.



Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"



Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my butt tomorrow.



If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?



If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Senior Moments
01:07 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 604

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

____________________________________________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it? "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

____________________________________________________________________

SENIOR MOMENTS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

______________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

_____________________________________________________________

NURSING HOME

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

_____________________________________________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________________________________________

SENILE

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get That forgetful."She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_____________________________________________________

WHERE

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

****************************************************

Senior Exercise

Here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles..



Three days a week works well. Begin by standing with a 5-LB. Potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to build up to 1 minute at least. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next….start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

Choose your eternity
01:01 Aug 03 2008
Times Read: 605

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.



"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."



"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.



"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.



"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."



He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.



"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.



The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

Cyanide as a prescription?
19:41 Aug 02 2008
Times Read: 609

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the Pharmacist straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some

cyanide."



The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."



The pharmacist's eyes got big & he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!

No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The woman reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A Living will I can agree with....
19:35 Aug 02 2008
Times Read: 610

MAXINE'S LIVING WILL





I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:





Crown and coke

chocolate

Margarita

chocolate

ice cream

Cold Beer

chocolate

Chicken fried steak

chocolate

Mexican food

chocolate

French fries

chocolate

Pizza

chocolate

ice cream

cherry coke

chocolate

Chocolate

Sex

Chocolate

Margarita



It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.