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We are going on 5 weeks of singleness. Broken Upness. They count it starting August 26, when they met.

So, I guess that's really 7 weeks. of my singless.

Even though I was unaware, I was being left. Abandoned.

Whatever.



This life is a series of cliches and bullshit that people fight laugh and cry over. none of them really matter all that much. it's just some silly girls dream to think that this event, this thing that happened, was really more important. than another.



I'm restless. I'm bored. I'm rusty. I need practice.



I am old. I am young. I am talented, and incredibly overshadowed.



I have both everything and nothing that I ever wanted.



This life... this life is a joke.



This life is laughing at me in the dark corner, while I stand in shock, screaming and crying, and throwing things to try and distract my cracking and broken heart that I've lost all of the nothing that I was crazy about in the first place.



I really want to live this life, the way I want to. I want to enhance it and make it beautiful. I know all of my good qualities, and all too well do I know my bad qualities. I deserve a chance with the best of them. I don't to be sitting here in my room, hearing these things that aren't here. Thinking these thoughts that aren't good for me.





I want to accept the fact that I am who I am. I have opportunity. I have hope. I have a future. Why is this so hard for me to embrace?



Maybe it's the lost lives. Maybe it's the ring. Maybe it's the migraines. Maybe it's something in the weather.



I hate so much.

I have never felt like this.

I have never been so vengeful.

I have never felt so broken before.

I just want out of this nightmare. Somehow.

I feel good... well, not good, but I do feel better than I've felt for the last, almost 4 weeks. Hurts to say it's been that long, but I do have to get over this eventually.

H has been talking to me for about a week, and it's honestly helped incredible amounts.



more later... little 5 points calls me and my sis!

I keep repeating that to myself, hoping and hoping that this mantra will block out and brainwash those brainwashed thoughts of mine that keep saying I'm no good.



I have so much respect for H. After going through this, she got up, she moved on. She was so much stronger than me in so many ways. She had more respect for herself. She didn't treat me the way I've treated K. But then again, I always held a lot of respect for her. As a human being, but also as someone who was close to Chris. Any friend of his is a friend of mine, even if they're not crazy about me, or don't like me at all. But I always tried to be good, as good to her as I could, I did what I thought I needed to do. I tried to be supportive. I cared, I tried to be there if she needed someone.





This is so weird, so hard. If I was "slim and trim," he wouldn't be able to resist me, he says. If I moved to portland tomorrow, he couldn't turn down being with me again. If I had been all the things I'm not that she is, this never would have happened in the first place. And other than that, we're just waiting, for him to grow tired of her, be crazier about me than her, for any of those other things to happen: or I'm waiting to hear that it's actually for real, over.



Did he only say he'd be with me under those conditions because he thinks they're not going to happen? Does he only say these things to appease my mind until I can grow enough to move on, and then he won't feel so bad? He calls, I call. He says he loves me. He says he wants to be with me. He says he cares about me more than he cares about her. He says he loves me, likes me, overall more than her. He says, "I love you, and I'm not supposed to say that, but I do love you and miss you."



I wish I could say he's just trying not to break my heart. I wish I could agree with F or K who say that this is a soft break up, and he just doesn't want to hurt me. But I also really really really wish that he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too.



He's already given me these like, conditions, of things we'll have to work on if we get back together, and he thinks we will. He says he's hoping for the best.



I am too... so much so.



At any rate, I went to State board practice, figured out everything that I was unsure about. Rescheduled my exam for November 3. I have a job offer in Arizona. I'm trying to get work at a restaurant. I should probably go do that now. I want to have enough money that I can move out comfortably. I'll have a license, so I should make good money at a salon, but I want to play it safe. I have to pay off WE energies so my credit doesn't get messed up. Then it's just a matter of getting out to Portland for interviews. If I can get that far, then I can get out.



Violin lessons start back up on the 24th of October, my teacher is still out of town. Only one lesson so far. I need to order music. I keep overdrafting. But I'm reading some really cool books, and I LOVE SUDOKU! I think I just might be obsessed. I have Oblivion to play. But for now, I think I'm really going to try to get a job.



Wish me luck!

COMMENTS

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NightBlossom
23:46 Oct 09 2008

Congrats hun! And you will make it. You are good enough. You are strong enough. You ARE worth it.



And you will get the life you want. ;)

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