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Listening to music I find my place of peace and I prey that I keep it. But deep down a part of me wants to do something bad to my ex... so I get up and fight this urge. To avoid a fight to avoid looking him in the face ... cause also in my fucked up heart apart of me still wants to cry at the sound of his voice.

So when I see all the hype over the latto, I close my eyes and get on my knees. That if God would hear my plea and let me win that I would have the monet to pay off my bills get a car ... my license and move the hell out.

So that I can have my sanity back.. that I can live on my own and not have to look him in the face every moring as we pass each other in the hall.

Him going to bed and me waking up to get to work. I hate living with someone again when all i want to do is just drop every thing.. pick up my son and just run.

But I cant do that so I am standing my ground and trying to deal wtih this shit when all he can do is fling shit back my way and I toss it back to him as well.

I guess we will find out later on today when the look to see the winning numbers.

today I am trying to keep my mouth shut and not yell.. But there are things that make me want to scream but I am waiting. I buy all the things that i need for when i move and i am putting it in a lock box or putting locks on my shit. Learning how to drive it at the top of the list, once i get that and pay off the last bit of money that i owe from my last apartment. I am moving.

I am done and I cant keep dealing with my ex like this on a daily bases.. at least with him not around all the time I dont have to look at him and feel sick.

But I dont want to leave my son anywhere with out me... so I am going to wait a little longer. At least until his six.. three more years.

Then I am moving away from my ex.. and closer to my job.

Maybe even take my mom up on her offer and move with her to south carolina.

I would love to laugh but i can't... it seems my ex got another girl knocked up. I am happy because know he can leave my son alone and focus on that his own little family and i have mine. Or be worried that he wants to have my son call this kid his sister or brother. if i get asked questions about where his sister is... I am so... going to send him to his father on that one. That is his issue not mine.

Tired of having the only places that i go be in books and in my head. I am planning a trip to visit the mecha of magic in the usa. I am going to Lousiana to walk around and have a little fun while i am there.

But I am not going until next october... and see what I can fine. .. if not then sooner.

This will be fun for me to do because I am tired of wishing.. timing to act.

I realized that when i cleaned my soul out.. that there are things that are too deep to move. Like my hatred for black men... for what my dad did to my mom ... and what my ex did to me.

Its all the same and it hurts like here because I can never trust and black .. or in my exboyfriend's case.. mixed again.

He went for the ghetto girls even after he had someone that was ready to kill for him.

But I will say this that after thinking about ,. I realize i do have a daddy complex not the older men kind but one where i can turn a man like my father in to a dependable and honest man.... only thing is ... i would need to get over my own hatred of that man first.

COMMENTS

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ghostoffuturepasts
01:34 Mar 27 2012

So why are you a jug, it's essentially a black lifestyle hijacked by fat stupid trailer fucks painted as clowns that try to rap and thus a constant reminder of your hatred. Life is too short to waste on hating something.

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Nothing to vent about lately just alot of stuff from work.

How i would with a bunch of ghetto people that look at me like I am the outside. Because i wear alot of black clothes and sound proper. But you know what at work i am focused.

They seem to be worse than me at times.

Found something to put here. All the things that i cant say on facebook because well i know to many of the same ppl as my ex.

One of which his a little whore for getting a dog from his new little friend and guess who has to take care of it... me . Why because we stay so close to each other and i have a backyard.. hell a yard to keep it in.

And that is some bullshit I even tried to give it away but he whinned to his mom about me keeping it so now like before I have to clean up his messes.

I get hurt and a broken soul.... and this asshat gets a dog and gives it to my son.

I cry my blood out and wonder what the fuck and he moves on to fucking more hood rat after hood rat.

I hate this shit... my soul achs at recalling the pain but i have to open the wound and clean it out or I will end up doing the same shit with a new asshole. Or worse the same one again.

I am looking around and i dont know what to put here.. But we will see what i can come up with.