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i refuse to go out of my way to help anyone, because when iam in need i dont get the same courtesy.



iam not going to be afraid to open my heart, if i find the right one that i feel like i can be myself with.



my secrets are no longer going to haunt my mind. i wont live that way. the things i have done have helped me to learn and grow.



iam going to start really taking a look at my life and make some changes for the better. iam riding my self of negative, drama starting people and those who only use me. they know who they are AND THEY HAVE STEPPED ON MY HEART FOR THE LAST TIME!!!!



iam going to live my life without fear. iam sick of being the girl who is afraid of my own shadow and hating the skin iam in. iam ready to recognize myself as the stong, beautiful, independent woman i am .



Iam woman hear me ROAR!!!



sorry a little rant is good for the soul every now and then.

i feel afflicted, so conflicted

and there is no way for you to fix my pain

iam so sick

my body aches and trembles

iam hurt

iam cold

i would give you my heart

but its not yours to hold

its your fault i feel this sedated

once upon a time i knew what it meant to be free

but now i feel pain rain all over me

i dont want you to stay

but i dont want to be alone

my heart is as fragile as a piece of crafted glass

i hide in your arms waiting for this storm to pass

i wish i could be normal

i dream i could be numb

to know just what its like

on the other side of pain

He comes to me in my dreams

his rich voice like velvet

whispering my name

tracing his ruby lips over my pale skin

oh the escasty.

his icy blue eyes look deep into mine

he tells me i belong to him

his hands delicately trace my body

a quiet moan escapes my lips



his body is a wonder to me

he responds to my touch with certainty

he craves me

i dont want him to leave

he tells me he will come to me again

too bad i have to wait until the next time i sleep

There are three words that took me the longest

to be able to say.

They stir and bubble inside of me, suffocating me. I guess i thought if i didnt say it, it would go away. But i was wrong.

Iam an addict.

Whew.

There i said it.

Maybe its easier than i think.

I am addicted to pain, pleasure, and isolation.

Thats how my cycle goes really.

I am a recovering cutter, alcoholic, and most dangerously an infactuation junkie.

I think the way it happened was i was in pain, fighting with my secret inner struggles with anxiety and depression, so i sought pleasure, and became ashamed of my actions, so i sought isolation.

On the outside i appear to be a normal happy beautiful young woman but looks are very deceiving. I used to wake up in the morning happy just to be alive now it really doesnt matter to me anymore. It kills me to know that my parents view me as a "fuck up" or as my father lovingly puts it a "mistake that never should have been born."

That kills me. Well not as much as the fact they used to view me as somthing special. My parents are extrememly homophobic so the fact that their "trophy daughter" is bisexual pretty much disgusts them. But who are they to tell me who i can love? they are not the judge of my heart or my emotions. My life has been a blur or abuse, lies, abandonment, hurt, rape, and pain. So thats why this year i have made a vow that iam going to start living for myself.

No more pain

No more excuses

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PastelBeauty
18:42 Jan 10 2010

Just be yourself baby. You don't have to please anyone but yourself. You sound like a very loving caring person and it is your parent's loss if they can't see that

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when my phone rang yesterday i never expected to get the call that you are dead. it totally blew my mind. i couldnt keep the tears from falling for the longest time. i just couldnt grasp that all the memories we have, all the good times and bad are only a memory now. you were so young with so much life to live. i just hope that you knew how much you meant to me. you taught me so much about myself that i probably wouldnt have seen otherwise. Just know that i will never forget you.



i still remember the first time we met each other. and i will never forget the last time we saw each other. words can never express how much i will miss you, you made a difference in my life i dont care what anyone says. you are supposed to love people not what they do. i wish things would have been different for you.



Rest in Peace

my sister, my friend

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Galen
05:14 Jan 10 2010

Very deep and heart felt.

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