The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I have realized how tired I am of being treated badly by guys. I try my best to be a good and caring person, yet I seem to be either invisible or expendable. I know I am not beautiful or amazingly talented, but don't I deserve the fairy tale? I don't want money or fame, all I want is love. I want to have a family someday, and I want to grow old with a husband who loves me. My grandparents are about to celebrate their 50th anniversary. They are still in love after all those years. Every morning my grandfather brings my grandma a cup of tea in bed, and she makes him dinner every night. They take care of each other, and they are happy. That's all I want and all I ask for, and yet this dream seems to escape me. An old-fashioned romance would be the one thing to make me happy, and I can only pray that I can find that fairy tale.

I don't even know where to begin to write about this. How do you write about it when a person has lost all respect in your eyes? How can you write down the pain that is caused when you finally realize that there is not going to be a happy ending this time? Tonight I went bowling with Miki, Jeff (who I haven't seen in forever) and Nikki. I found out (on the way there) that Chris was going to be there as well, along with some prep from Jeff's church that Chris has had a crush on for a while. He didn't know that I was coming either. So, here was the dilemma. Was Chris going to stay true to the declaration that he still cared about me and wanted to be with me again? Well, he certainly showed his true colors tonight. He talked to me twice. To say hi and goodbye. He went out of his way to sit next to her, avoided me as much as possible, and expressed a great desire to fuck her. While I was sitting there, staring at the scoreboard, and trying with all my strength not to call him out in front of everyone. I put up with this for 3 hours, smiling the whole time so I wouldn't cry. I have never felt so humiliated and worthless as I did tonight. And everyone knew it. Jeff looked at me every time Chris passed by without a word, and Miki had me talk with Derek on speakerphone on the way home. I gave him a chance to grow up and treat me right. No, he prefers an easy fuck rather than a loving relationship. Just like every other guy I know. I had a bad feeling about this from the minute I was invited to go, and I got hurt. He has made me lose any trust in guys that I had left. And you know what he said when he said goodbye?? "Sorry I didn't talk much tonight." That was because you were too busy trying to figure out how to fuck her before her curfew. This is complete and total bullshit, and I dare that motherfucker to call me again. I fucking dare him.

To Lexi's shout out:



Love ya too, don't forget the blindfold.

I had quite a bit of fun with a friend last night. Chains and blindfolds are very fun. No names, I'll keep you all guessing...

I feel so lost now, and I don't know what to do.



EDIT at 9:16 pm. Chris called me and left a message, and I called him back and left a message. He didn't call back all day, so I just tried his house. He's sleeping.



Happy Fucking Valentine's Day to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The only good thing that happened was that I won the Ohio Board of Regents Scholarship Award. 2,000 dollars a year for 4 years. Yay! Go me! I'm still pissed at him. I have a feeling that if I go back to him, the same shit will keep happening. I already know what's going to happen on Wednesday. He's going to spend the whole time playing videogames while I sit there and count the specks in the carpet. If that happens, his third time's a charm chance is fucking over.

Today can only be described as surreal. It all starts with last night. Miki messaged me that Chris wanted me to call him, and she didn't know why. Chris is my ex from back in September, the one who I was head over heels for. So, I was curious. I finally got up my courage and called him around 1 pm today. We talked for an hour, which I think is the longest conversation we've ever had. He's got his life settled now, and he even got a promotion at work. He misses me and still cares about me, and we are talking about getting back together. I get to see him on Wednesday after rehearsal. I'm hoping with all my heart that this works out, I always felt happy and safe with him. He never played mind games or pulled any of the bullshit that other guys do. He never hid how he felt about me either. It's nice hearing that someone cares about you once and a while. Well, enough of the sappy shit. I know you all aren't used to hearing that from me. After we got off the phone, I went down to Muggswigs with mom to get info for my buisness review for our next issue, and a Fuzzywig. I also stopped by the library, and Miki's house to get my stuff. Mom and I have been getting along really well. I think it's all the drugs they have her on. So now I'm just sitting here, pinching myself to see if this fantasy world I'm in is all real. I hope it is.