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I've been going through a lot the last two months here at home...and the few friends I have that know the full details have been quiet for the most part. I am told I am a lonely person...that I am overwhelmed...I am strange and unusual...



Being lonely and overwhelmed is nothing new..especially for me. Unfortunately, it seems a daily affair...but I do not see myself as desperately trying to cling onto something I cannot grasp..nor do I see myself escaping anytime soon...no matter how much I'd like to...it's not feasible nor realistic.



I am just everyone's "friend"...and simply that...because I have had to shut down an integral part of myself that I thought I would never have to...my sexuality...my own intimate embracing of those I love and hold dear is no longer a part of my life.



I desire to have love and be beloved in my life at some point, but presently..I do not see it becoming a reality anytime soon. Who would want the oddness of my life in theirs?



A married woman, separated unofficially from her husband, who will be moving next door with his mistress..(very soon...I hope)...who also cares for an ailing mother, aging grandmother...and is taking on the care of her husband's aging aunt that no one else will have just so he and his new affair can move out? Not to mention two kids and two dogs...yea...top-market value package there.



What intimacy is afforded for someone like myself? What do I have left?...except a massive amount of responsibility? ...and no one to hold me at night...as has been for the 20 years I've been married. How do I transition from being married and lonely to being married and lonely but separated now? What the hell? How did I get here? I'm still asking myself these questions...what to do? ...but cry myself to sleep...or in the shower at least where my privacy is somewhat still mine?



Friends ....good friends...are all that I truly have...and I have it better than most in that ideal...



I just had so much to give inside of my heart...and no one who is willing or able to take it all in...and give it back in equal shares...for one reason...or another....I am still very much alone.





...scratch that...my Gonzo is back...yay!