Things We Hold Onto05:36 Feb 22 2008
Times Read: 561
At the end of this i hope i will feel a little differently about a few things, my life, career, relationship status, some friends, some ex boyfriends, my past.
I hang onto things Long after the moment has passed, years after the sun has set and dust has settled upon the memory. I do this because, letting go is a weakness of mine. Letting go means tossing the feather into the wind and wondering if anyone else will discover it's beauty. I don't want to let go of something so precious that i have found that i owned for a moment, a day, a month, a year, a life time...
Thing's i grasp tightly to for the most part?
Relationships (or failed ones at that lol). I bet none of you knew how i would hang on a simple sentence for days at a time. How from time to time i recall time's we were together that i either smile or recoil in response to. I still look at your pictures and wonder...What if? I can't help it. I can't help looking at what i know was my fault. Also, i hold onto hope. hope for the future of something with someone... The hope that for once, i'll actually be with someone for longer then a month and they'll actually cre about me, and for ONCE have a normal fucking relationship. I hold onto Hope.
Memories... I can still recall the scent of my grandparent's home and bring back a certain image. Their molten lava carpet lol Even today i recal how warm the sun felt, and how bright it was shining through the curtains in my living room at home. The song that played and how sad i felt even thought, at 7 years old i didnt get it. I just felt it. A seven year olf should not udnerstand that kind of feeling. I can quite clearly feel the fear i felt and the inability to do anything to save myself. Being trapped physically and then mentally. I still feel my heart being pulled apart. By Them, You, and finally....Him.
Mistakes. The lies i have told, the decions i made without thinking about who i was affecting. My mistake of not speaking up when i should have, of backing down when i should have held my ground. Of not being there when i was needed, and of not askng for the help when it was reuired. All my mistakes.
Most of all, i hold onto the people that have come in and out of my life. I havnt seen or talked to some of you for almost a decade and yet you're in my thoughts and ponderings from time to time. I still feel a place for you in my heart somewhere that tinges when i think of you.
So many questions... SO many things i think about when it comes to my friends. All of them.
Where are you all going to be? Where are you all going? Are you going to be alright? What are you doing right now? Do you realize that you can do so much better? Do you know how much you are loved and appreciated? Are you safe? Do you need a hug?
I hold onto every last word you say to me sometimes, because as im walking away i wonder if that willl be the last thing you ever say to me.
For the life of me i wish i could forget half the things i remember and think about before falling asleep at night. I hold onto the things that make the shiniest mood fall into a filth infested hole. I can quite easily recall something You said that made me cringe and fall deeper inside of myself.
Every song i have has a certain memory, time period, or emotion attached to it. I can literally go through my list and name what was going through my head and heart as i was listening to it.
Stories i have written are just stories and fantasies and real life stuations that have played out over and over inside my head until I've exhausted every outcome... Finally coming to a complete stop/conclusion.
I'll hold onto an emotion memory forever.
what i mean by this is, no matter where i am, what i am doing or how i am feeling if you were to give me a page from my diary to read i could throw myself back into that time and feel and think everything as if it were that very same day.
I need to learn to let go.
To let go of wanting things that will never happen. To let go of the past that isn't mine anymore. I want to let go of my attitude towards certain aspects of my life. Certain memories, feelings and thoughts.
A certain memory?
I want to let go of the memory being completely vunerable and trapped. Unable to help myself and save myself. The memory of my entire world crashing, and seeing my soul ripped apart without even having to open my eyes. I want to let go of the memory of that certain transition in my life because without doing so, i will never move on from it and see everything that lies ahead.
A certain feeling??
I want to let go of the feeling of inadequacy. IT's a constant in my life, one of the few. I can't measure up to what you expect, or what i expect from myself. Im not what an average male wants and i could probably be a better daughter. I'm not good at anything i dont excell at anything. There is nothing special about me. I am easily forgotten, easily tossed aside and abandonned.
A certain thought???
Ha....god to choose one...ONE!!?? Uhm...The thought that I am not worth the time. The time to get to know, and to understand. The thought that i go to bed every night alone in an empty apartment, my family miles and miles away from me. Living a life im not ready for, the thought that i need to grow up when im not fucking ready to grow up. The thought of being alone. The thought that im not good enough for you, that you've forgotten about me. The thought that you dont worry about me because you think you dont need to.
I never got my time as a kid. I want that.... That, is what (irony) i have to let go of. My wanting.
Wanting thing's im not ready to receive. Wanting thing's that aren't ready to happen. Wanting people to e around who can't be there when i need them to be. Wanting people who don't want me LoL...Wanting everything all at once wanting to go back and chance things. Wanting to forget so many things. Wanting to fall in love. Wanting to be looked after. Wanting to get away from myself. Wanting to be there and care, but not wanting to. Wanting to wake up and see everything the way it should be. Wantning to say so many fucking thigns to so many people!
I need to let go of my Wanting.... and just let it happen. Let go, let it flow.
Jeezuz one day i'll take my own advice :P (Mental packrat)
Baby steps....That's all I can say.
Thoughts that won't cloud my mind anymore, feelings/emotions that will lighten my heart abit and Memories that
wont torment my soul anymore.
I'll let them go one by one. Giving them each one last whisper of a breath before i hand them over to the breeze, watching them land upon a wave.
I'll sigh, feeling completely relieved when the last one has disappeared inside the horizon and know that they'll all return to me when needed.
Knowing, i don't Need to hold on anymore....and that I dont Want to.
Now i know what that dream meant...
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