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I feel melancholy tonight. For such an awesome word and as beautiful as it sounds, it is a glum word. Downhearted and low is the feelings that it describes.



I always wondered why there is not a word as melodious as melancholy to describe what made you downhearted in the first place! Choice, for example, is a harsh word. Choice, the beginning of change. But there it is...the ending of the beginning fills our mouths with sweet syllables.



And what kind of word is change? To alter or adjust? All three of the words sound forceful in their enunciating. But, again, is that not the nature of themselves?



Words are awesome, powerful tools. They can be used to harm and to heal, control and withdrawl, love and hate...

Sleepless nights...falling asleep and waking up with fists clenched. Worry, anger, love, and hate flowing through my veins.



Thinking...praying...crying...laughing...



Where is God? Does she exist? If so, why the lonliness? Where is the comfort and peace that comes from knowing I am alive?



Standing...looking...watching...hoping



Tamar, love of my life, watching you sleep...thinking of the conversation we shared today and your dreams of the future. I curl up in your bed and hold you close. Your life...part of my own. Your touch...my only comfort. Your laughter..my only joy.



Don't exist in pity. Don't exist in pain. Don't exist to die. Exist to live. That is my vow.

I dislike television. It robs our children of their originality and imagination. But, we are all addicted. I live for DVR. Once a week I sit and watch all of my favorite shows with no interruption. I can fast forward through commercials, pause, stop and do something else, or just wait until I have 10 shows recorded and have a marathon. My new obsession is on the Scifi channel. It is the Dresden Files. I really like this show. The actors are not the best. The stories are good and the special effects are better. Mostly I like the magic that occurs during the show. Everyone who reads this take a look at the show.

There comes a point in every girl’s life when she realizes just how stupid she has been. Unfortunately I am there...AGAIN! I decided I could sit down and cry...(while eating a half gallon of Rocky Road ice cream) or I could look at what damage I have done and make amends for it. I started with my daughter. She agreed with me and accepted my plea of forgiveness. Next I talked to the best friend I have (Titan Goddess...I love you man!) and apologized for carrying around a telephone for the last nine months...praying it would ring. She just laughed at me and said she understood. (NO you can't have her...she is MY best friend!) Now I am working on myself.



I will work on finding that me who fell in love with a man who touched my soul as no one else in my 44 years has. I will work on finding a me who does not need that man to validate her. I always validated myself before him. I will work on finding the me who can love unconditionally...even when she doesn't want to. I will work on finding the me that laughs, loves, and lives...with him or without him.



I am every woman. I am every man. I am at the crossroads of my life....I am Trivia...Goddess Divine!