The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

starting off new.... leaving the old behind
12:16 Mar 30 2008
Times Read: 573

i have realized now... that starting off new is a lot better than relying on the old... resently my ex that i loved asked me back out... i tell him that i am done waiting around for him to decide whether or not he wants to be with me... and you know what... not even a month ago i would have said yes... without even a thought... but i didnt... and that surprised me... a lot actually... but now... sitting here thinking... im glad i didnt... i realize now that i was only relying on him because i was used to him... i was used to being with him everyday... whether it was a good day or not... and i loved it... but know that now i have opportunity... i have the opportunity to find someone better for me... someone who is actually right for me... i am mad at myself for not seeing this before... it took one guy to show me that i dont need my ex anymore... sitting and talking with him for three days straight i know that there are people out there that are better for me... that this guy i have been talking with is better for me... and even if this doesnt work out... i know that i will find someone else to be with that will love and charish me more than my ex ever did...

You will never know how it feels until youve lived the pain!
09:10 Mar 12 2008
Times Read: 597

ever just feel like crying. . . but you cant. . . i mean. . . everybody cries. . . everyone. . . some people over really important things. . . and other over not so important things. . . but really who says its not important to them. . . so why is it that its so bad to cry. . . why is everyone like oh no dont cry. . . or why are you crying you little baby. . . so now you think. . . well ill just hold it in and wait until no one is watching . . . hell i do the same thing. . . you dont know me until you have seen me cry. . . or have been there for me when i was crying . . cause ill have to admit i dont cry often. . . and now. . . im just sitting here. . . wanting to cry. . . to just let it all out. . . but i cant . . my body wont let me. . . my body is tellng my mind to suck it up. . . . so we all know what its like to becalled a cry baby. . . we know it hurts. . . like all name calling does. . . but we still do it to others. . . we teach our kids not to show emotions. . . and if our parents dont do that. . . then the kids at there school sure will. . . but why. . . dont we want people to be able to express there feelings. . . cause damn we i have a chance to express my love so someone. . . it makes me feel damn good. . . but then. . . when we run into someone who will outright say i love you. . . and i mean it. . . we panic right. . . we think oh shit. . . or he just wants in my pants. . . why did society have to ruin such a meaningful expression. . . and make it meaningless. . . i mean. . . when i tell someone i love them . . . i really do love them. . . people dont understand that about me. . . whenever i tell someone i love them. . . or im "falling for them". . . i mean it. . . and well. . . for me. . . everytime i have loved someone. . . i lose them . . . so what does that tell me. . . that love is wrong. . . is god trying to say that im not meant for love. . . or i dont deserve love. . . i mean FUCK. . . i almost lost my fucking mother. . . what more is there to lose after that. . . so i guess thats it right. . . i mean. . . me and my mom have had talks about what happens with me if she dies. . . more than once. . . or if she ends up in the hospital again. . . every other time. . . ive gone to my dads. . . but I FUCKING HATE MY FATHER. . . he treats me like shit then tries to make it up to me. . . . and im tired of it. . . im not going back to live with him. . . so what do i do. . . become homeless. . . live with some family memeber that doesnt want me. . . i mean ive been passed through the family already. . . and no one wants me. . . not unless they want to use me. . . like my aunt did. . . i was her babysitter and i got to stay with them. . . then she bad mouths my mother in front of me. . . well fuck that and fuck her. . . id rather be homeless. . . so what am i supposed to do. . . drop out of school and get a shitty ass job making minimum wage. . . or do i stay in school. . . hoping that maybe my brother will let me stay. . . i guess my last choice is to go to rossford and be a nobody agian. . . and live with my grandma. . . but hey. . . im not complaining. . . my mom is still here right. . . so who cares that i cant find love. . . and who cares that im alone. . . what am i supposed to do with my life. . . i got no career. . . no money for college. . . oh thats right . . . . ill just be a waitress at IHOP for the rest of my life. . . thats it. . . no one could live without me serving them fucking pancakes. . . making the whole 2 13 and hour i make. . . .no even better ill do what my dad has done. . . jump from resturant to resturant. . . no having the same job for more than a year or two. . . what a life ive got



everything in that one is still true... cept i got fired from IHOP and im graduating and going to college... not a good one... but im going to one... i still hate my father... and at least i dont have to worry about being tossed around the family anymore.... and i have someone who loves me

Life is like dominoes you build them up just for them to fall down
09:03 Mar 12 2008
Times Read: 599

well. . . here goes. . . yeah im a bit depressed. . . and yeah well if you dont care then dont read this. . . but i have to write it down. . . because writing is what i do. . . life. . . yeah theres a category. . . well. . . lets talk about life. . . how bad life sucks. . . for everyone really. . . like in detox. . . they break you down to build you back up. . . well everyone has to be broken down at at least one point in there life. . . where they feel so alone that you could scream and no one would hear you. . . so drained that you dont even have the energy to fall asleep. . . so you just lay there with your eyes open. . . hoping that somehow. . . things will get better. . . they say that 1/3 of adults suffer from insomnia at least a few nights a week. . . from like stress or something. . . i mean. . . you all must of had one night where no matter how hard you tried. . . you just couldnt fall asleep. . . until you took a sedative. . . or some other stupid addictive drugs. . . that are really just made up so that doctors and such can make even more money while the idiots that buy them are barely making enough to put the food on the table. . . but they cant help it. . . there doctor said try this narcotic. . . and of course like all narcotics. . . you get addicted to them. . . so. . . the people that see past these doctors and dont take drugs. . . just lay there. . . thinking about everything under the sun. . . when really all they want is sleep. . . but really sleep itself is addicting. . . but if you want to hear my veiws on that then i got a nice long paragraph on my profile about that. . . so i wont go into it. . . ok. . . so while your laying there sleepless. . . you start thinking about things you dont have time for in your busy day. . . so now your starting to think about how alone you are. . . or how unhappy you are. . . then you get more depressed. . . and you just keep thinking yourself into depression. . . hell you have to admit to it. . . ill even admit to it right now. . . . everyone thinks themselves down. . . even the most self centered person has thought themselves down. . . . i know thats true . . . my sister does it all the time. . . and shes pretty selfcentered. . . so maybe those pills will help the society be less depressed. . . but that shit makes it such a sound sleep you dont really dream. . . and dreaming is the happy part of life. . . i mean ive seen what pills do to you. . . and i would rather have the sleepless nights. . . but why do i still see all of these people on these kind of drugs. . . half the time i think its just a placebo. . . just a sugar pill. . . and its really all in your brain. . . if i take this i will sleep. . . hell if itd work for me then ill take a sugar pill. . . safer anyways. . . idk rather be addicted to sugar then a drug. . . so how about you choose. . . which do you want. . . . sugar or drugs???. . . and about loneliness. . . now everyone has felt it. . . no one in this world can say they havent. . . . i guess its just a part of life. . . you have to have loneliness. . . to feel wanted. . . and idk unalone. . . . like love and hate. . . and other things. . . some one close to me taught me that. . . . but my question is. . . why does all the good go to one person and all the bad to another. . . . why cant it be half and half. . . life just doesnt work that way. . . right. . . they say the grass is always greener on the other side. . . well im here to tell you that is not true. . . ive been on both sides. . . and the grass is just the same. . . being wanted by everyone is just as bad as being alone. . . because even tho all those people are around you. . . it doesnt matter to you. . . . which would you pick. . . a hundred friends. . . or a few really close good friends??. . . idk about you. . . but im happy with a few close friends. . . now lets talk about boyfriends and girlfriends and homosexuals. . . idk if you know this or even care. . . but i am bi. . . and well. . . both are hard to date. . . like all lovers. . . . you can never really understand them. . . or they will surprise you when you thought you knew them. . . ive been there. . . with both. . . and well. . . dating isnt easy. . . im sure its not supposed to be. . . and if it is for you. . . its probably fake. . . or it probably wont last long. . . theres always gonna be fights and arguements. . . thats what makes makeup sex so great. . . lol. . . theres always gonna be akward silences. . . as much as i hate silence. . . its gonna happen. . . and theres always gonna be that one person who you fall for who doesnt love you. . . but life goes on just the same. . . well. . . i can say all i need right now is someone to love me. . . i mean really love me. . . not turning back love. . . someone to hold me close and say everythings ok. . . someone to wipe away my tears. . . someone who can make me laugh no matter what. . . someone i can be with. . . and i mean really be with!!. . . . thats all i need. . . . the world could colapse around me. . . as long as i had that one person at my side. . . to look at the bright side when i cant see it. . . when you dont have that person. . . that is when you feel alone. . . feel like no one cares. . . i mean people could care about you. . . and you know it. . . but still. . . with out that person. . . nothing matters anymore. . . i know. . . from experience. . . i found someone i loved so much. . . that was always there for me. . . then there gone. . . and now i just feel like. . . like nothing matters. . . now i have to find someone who will love me back. . . the i love them. . . i guess its only a dream. . . i guess this is one of those wishes. . . wishing that dreams come true. . .



all i have to say about that one... is i have finally found the someone for me... to hold me close and wipe my tears... tell me its ok... i have found him... actually he found me... and i love him dearly

How do you know if your really worth something?
08:28 Mar 12 2008
Times Read: 600

how do you know if your really worth something to people. . . i mean. . . how can you tell if you really mean something to them. . . you cant really ask them. . . cause they are of course gonna say. . . "your worth something. . . your worth a lot". . . only cause they are afraid youll kill yourself if they tell the truth. . . so really. . . how do you know. . . there are certain people that you can tell if you mean nothing to them. . .



for example. . . the girl i know. . ."a friend". . . im not going to say who it is. . . but this girl i have known for a while. . . she only calls upon me when she needs something. . . or has nothing to do. . . if i need something. . . shes busy. . . i learned that a long time ago. . . i dont even call her anymore. . . i just gave up on her. . . she still calls me. . . when she needs something. . . once she imed me just out of the blue. . . i dont usually talk to her online. . . but she imed me. . . all i could think to say was what do you want. . . cause she always wants something. . . but she snapped back at me. . . like. . . "do i have to want something to talk to you". . . i said no that i was just wondering cause im online everynight but we never talk online. . . and she didnt answer. . . so. . . eh. . . im over it. . . i know that if i were to just leave. . . she prolly wont care. . . its not even about that either. . .



i know if i were to kill myself people would care. . . im not stupid. . . i know there are a few who actually care. . . but how do you know who really cares and who doesnt. . . people can easily pretend to care. . . or people can easily be fooled to think that someone cares. . . hell i was fooled into thinking that erik cared about me. . . but i now know he doesnt. . . that or hes just a coward and doesnt want to face life as it is. . . and just wants to run. . . but thats not it. . . i dont care if he even knows i exsist or not. . . the point is. . . why give people your heart. . . or your friendship. . . or your caring. . . if they dont care about you. . . it turns into a waste. . . i mean i cared about this "friend" i told you about. . . but i stopped putting in the effort. . . it turned out to be pointless in the end. . .



what i dont get is why people are so afraid that someone is going to kill themselves if you tell them the truth. . . or that if you tell them their outfit looks bad. . . that your gonna hurt there feelings. . . you know what. . . fuck feelings. . . would you rather have a friend going around looking like a dork. . . then to tell them the truth. . . and what is this with suicide. . . yeah it happens. . . and it wouldnt happen if this fucking society actually cared about more that money and themselves. . . if people werent so selfish there would be a lot less suicide. . . if the society wasnt selfish. . . then they would be able to see if someone is upset. . . thats the answer to everything



the real way to tell if someone cares. . . is if they pay enough attention to you to see through your act of happiness. . . thats all that people really want. . . is to see if people will notice a difference. . . people can pretend to be happy. . . but they always falter with it. . . always. . . and if someone notices that there sad. . . or upset. . . and not badger them. . . but ask them if there feeling ok. . . they will even lie and say im fine. . . what they really wanna hear is. . . you dont look so fine are you ok. . . . and yes i know some people dont want to be around others when there upset. . . or they dont wanna be asked by every other person they come in contact with whats wrong. . . because honestly. . . about 75% people dont wanna talk about it. . . or dont want to even be asked that. . . i know i dont wanna hear whats wrong every time i say hi to someone. . . but even though people know that they hate it to be said to them. . . they say it anyways. . . i personally would much rather be asked if i was ok rather than whats wrong. . .



so thats how you know if someone cares. . . is if they can see through you. . . you may think right now that you dont want anyone to be able to see through you. . . but when they do. . . you get a sense of friendship. . . a sense of not being alone anymore. . . or at least when they are there. . . there is only one person i have found to see through me everytime. . . someone i have known for a long time. . . heather. . . but the thing is. . . that doesnt mean that she is the only one who cares. . . cause i mean there are friends that i have online whom i never see. . . and you cant see through words. . . i know that. . . words are my life and i still cant see through someones words. . . sometimes you can. . . but most the time you cant. . . seeing through someone is not the only way. . . and i know that. . . but that is one way that i have found to know someone really cares. . . my mom has gotten to the point to hearing it in my voice. . . but she doesnt know it. . . i of course deny it. . . everytime. . . but she does. . . my mom can tell just by my voice if something is wrong. . . i find that remarkable. . . my mom is a remarkable person. . . i know that. . . she has taught me things i could only dream to know. . . she has taught me about the spirit. . . and the mind. . . and of energy. . . and of the moons. . .



also. . . its not only looking for people who care for you. . . it looking for the people who dont. . . like my "friend". . . she only calls on me when needed or out of boredom. . . but when i need something. . . shes busy . . . or not available. . . these are the people that you need to stop trying for. . . i am not telling you to drop them like nothing. . . i am saying. . . dont depend on them. . . or dont look to them when you need it first. . . look to the ones who care for you. . . that way. . . you know that you can get the help you need. . .



another thing i just thought of. . . the girl i know online. . . she is a good friend to me. . . she avoids people when shes upset. . . or really pissed off. . . but she does it so that she doesnt hurt anyone that she will regret later. . . when your pissed off. . . you tend to do before you think. . . and when your pissed off . . . . you always tend to take it out on others. . . i know i have a tendency to do that. . . i avoid talking to the people i really care about when im pissed off. . . unless i know that the person knows that if i say something when im really mad. . . that i dont mean anything against them. . . but when im upset. . . i dont necessarily avoid people. . . i will talk to someone until it gets to the point where i cant take it anymore. . . but talking to people. . . for some reason really helps me when im upset. . . it gives me something to do. . . so i dont cry. . . thats what keeps me from crying. . . is basically distraction. . . and this right now is a distraction. . .



but imma stop now because it is getting quite long. . . all i will say. . . is think about what i said. . . see who cares for you and who doesnt. . . and think about your friends. . . and who you really care for. . . think about if your the one who calls on someone if you need it. . . then your busy when they need something. . . avoid being that person. . . give people a chance and dont be selfish. . . thing about what people have done for you. . . and if you have done just the same for them. . . or if you have done more for them. . . all im asking from you is to think about what i said!



when i wrote this... my "friend" was like that... now shes in jail... for attempted murder... and i might be the only one who can get her out of it... what should i do... should i help her even tho she hasnt really been there for me... or should i let her rot in jail for 5-15 years... well thats not up to me... im willing to help her... i could never let anyone sit in jail that long if i can help...



also... i was serious about the distraction thing... when my niece died in dec... i went to school like nothing happened... and yeah i might of cried a few times... but if i would of stayed home.... i would of cried a lot more... and if my mom were to die... i would still go to school.... i would try to do as much as i can to distract myself...



death is sad... we all know that... but life has to go on... dying is a part of life... and you cant stop living because someone dies... ive learned that dwelling on death keeps you from living... and im sure whomever your dwelling on wouldnt want you to stop your life for their death... like that death of the cop... here in toledo... they said at the funeral/showing whatever you want to call it... they said that they were there to celebrate his life.... not to mourn his death... after that day... the policemen went back to their lives... even his partner... went back to the streets to do his duty as a cop...



im going to leave it at that... think about it...

Could it be the end?
08:25 Mar 12 2008
Times Read: 601




god. . . what do you do when you cant stop thinking and all you can do is think. . . but you dont want to. . . but then you do. . . you want to remember but it makes you so upset that you just wanna forget it all. . . but you cant. . . something inside you keep you from letting it go. . . or maybe its just to hard. . . everything you do reminds you of it. . . the one thing you wanna forget. . . but when you are just about to put it behind you. . . you cant. . . there is always some reason that you create to hold on. . . when really your holding on to nothing. . . its always the good things you forget. . . and want to remember. . . and the bad that stay. . . but in reality. . . there not all that bad. . . they are just very wonderful memories that you cant have back. . . and you hold on hoping that maybe on day. . . you can relive it. . . to feel that happiness again. . . to be with that one person. . . to be with someone you have lost. . . whether they died. . . moved away. . . or just left you. . . and all you want. . . is to be with them one more time. . . for them to hold you like they did. . . to feel close again. . . to not be alone. . . that is all i want in the world right now. . . is to feel close again. . . but something inside of me keeps me from doing that again. . . some fear keeps me from being happy again. . . and i fear that nothing will ever be about to take that fear away from me. . . i feel that if i am hurt just one more time. . . that will be the end of it. . . that will be the end of ME!



i wrote this way back... and rereading really opened my eyes... i realized that was my way of saying enough is enough... i dont need to be hurt all the time... i need to get out there and live life... knowing i might get hurt... but sitting there hurting wasnt helping at all... and getting out and doing more than just sitting on the computer everynight wolloping in sorrow... i got out and did things... and now... im not like that anymore... im not sitting around hurting... im out and im happy... and let me tell you... it really feels good to finally be able to say that!!