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Today is my father-in-law's birthday. Happy fucking birthday to you asshole. My birthday gift to you is a one way trip off your high horse. All you've ever caused me is trouble. Why the fuck should I celebrate the day you came into the world? As far as I'm concerned you can kiss my ass. You and your bitch of a wife too. You don't have any say over what I do with my life so fuck off. Just leave me the fuck alone and I'll be happy to pretend that neither of you exist.



As for you, my dear husband, you can forget me going within a mile of that asshole and his little bitch. Do us all a favor and save yourself the fucking trouble. It's not going to happen so you might as well get over it and go fuck yourself because you sure as hell aren't getting any from me. Harsh? Only because you made me that way...



The only good thing to come of today was getting to see my Dark Angel. Even if only for a few brief hours while Asshole Jr. was visiting Mr. and Mrs. Asshole Sr. for Asshole Sr.'s birthday. I miss my angel so much. He's always so busy with his job (he takes blood for a living...ironic isn't it) that I hardly ever get to see him.



The baby's getting bigger. I'm finally starting to show a little. My clothes are getting just a little bit tighter, but not too much. Not like they will a month from now anyway. I just can't wait to actually feel it move. I'm hoping everything is going well. I've never made it this far through a pregnancy before. Four miscarriages...my record isn't exactly in my favor this time. But so far, so good. I just hope things progress smoothly with no complications. We'll see...

I swear, I'm so sick of doctors and blood tests and all that other crap. And to think, it's only just begun. I'm only 10 weeks pregnant and I still have a long way to go. I've got yet another appointment next Friday. Joy...rapture...*rolls eyes*



I guess you could say right now I'm kind of irritable. Especially since the woman who took my blood yesterday fucked up with one of the vials so I had to go back to the hospital again today to get more blood drawn. My veins are so damn small she had to take it from my hand which hurt like hell.



My so called husband is still being an ass. (Big surprise there right?) He likes to give ultimatums about what I have to do and I like to tell him where to shove them. I don't think he's gotten the point yet. He keeps asking me if I love him but I don't anymore. I'm not sure how to tell him though. It's not easy loving someone while you're married to someone else.



As always my Dark Angel continues to support me through all my efforts. I have to give the man credit. He sat through hours of video tape yesterday on pregnancy, giving birth, and the aftermath of delivery. In my opinion he deserves a medal for that. Not to mention sitting through another hour or so of lectures (including a damn slideshow of all things) plus a shitload of handouts on pregnancy basics as well as nutrition guides and all sorts of other things.



In my opinion I've made the ultimate sacrifice for this child already. I've given up my precious caffeine. Damn I miss it. I've even changed my eating habits. I can't tell you the last time I've had a snack or anything with sugar or excess fat. I'd kill for fast food right now. McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, anything, I don't care. Just as long as it's greasy and not good for me. Just so I can say I splurged.



So far, physically, things are going ok. I've now got two holes in my body that weren't there before yesterday due to the nurses taking blood. My morning sickness seems to be giving me a break thankfully. I still get tired and need naps. I'm hungry almost all the time and usually craving something I can't have because it's either bad for me or I can't afford it. Which sucks, but what can a girl do huh?



Anyway, that's it for now. I'll update later. Jen, you're welcome. I finally updated my journal. Don't bug me about it again for at least three days. lol.

In all my life, I never believed myself capable of it, but I have finally proved myself wrong. I pledged myself to a man who I swore to love no matter the circumstances. I gave myself to him and for a time loved him, yet sadly this was not to last. My love became cruel and hurtful toward me. Never physically, only emotionally. He broke the vow he made to me by hurting me, retracting his love, his support, his caring. The man I loved disappeared. I do not believe he will ever return.



In my despair, I fled to another. My Dark Angel. In time I found myself loving him perhaps more than my husband. He was kind, loving, compassionate...everything I wanted in a mate and so much more. I found shelter in his embrace such as I'd never known before. With him I felt cherished and truly worth being with. I gave myself to him, knowing I belonged to another and yet, despite the love I had felt for him at one time, not caring because of his cruelty toward me. I found the peace I had been so desperately needing for so long.



But now...a miracle has occured. In my Dark Angel's embrace, not only did I find myself and true love, but also my future. Our future together. A future in the form of a tiny life growing inside of me. It brings me such joy every day to think of it. My child, the child of my Dark Angel. A life that we created together. No matter what Fate has in store for me, I know only that I will never regret my child.