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I can't take it anymore. I feel as if I am just going to scream so loud that every window will break and everyone will go deaf.



I can't take everyone always telling me how I could be better. Or how I need to get my shit together. Or just flat out calling me a piece of shit. I just want to give up. I want to snap.



I am so tired of everyone telling me these things because I already know that I could be doing much better than what I already am. I wasn't always like this you know. Now I find myself awake all hours of the night with insomnia because my mind just won't rest. Every time something upsets me I just shut the world out, take a breath and ignored it ever happened because if I honestly believe that, it soon won't bother me again right? If only.



I find myself self medicating with anything that makes the hour go by quicker. I can't stand to sit in this apartment and do nothing. This is not my personality. I am much better than this. So to everyone that feels the need to get on my ass about anything? Know this: I AM working on it and if you can't fucking be patient for one god damn moment, I'm telling you right now to fuck off. I don't need to pull out any more hair than I already have.



...when is everything going to be ok? When will all this just stop? Anyone?...didn't think so...

Another night and morning with no sleep. I lay with eyes closed for endless hours and nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. I find myself tossing and turning and just wearing myself to exhaustion even more.



You know that feeling you get right before you fall asleep? That drifting away from reality but your not really asleep yet and your not really awake. I am stuck in that state for hours on end. I just want sleep.



Most of the time I don't dream. But usually when I do dream I have nightmares. But I am so use to them they really aren't that bad. I just wake up a lot. Sleep Aids have no effect on me.



I'm sure one of these nights my mind will settle and just let me have peace. But how to achieve that?

Well, so far I'm doing well. I'm writing aren't I? But physically and emotionally I am not alright. I am losing all of my hair because of my stress level. But I can't seem to get that under control either.



Ever sense my Grandfather died I have been lost. He was my mother my father my family. I was born on his birthday June 15 and even the last digits in our year was the same and i was just born on the right date so the last number in our age was always the same. He passed of cancer the day before our birthday June 14 2008. So it hasn't really been that long. And I'm sure ignoring with dealing that he is gone doesn't help me.



Since he passes I have lost my home, my jobs,my car, college, collection agencies, my relationships, my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my pride. Being homeless and jobless the past 7 months has been really hard. I'm working harder than ever to get employed but it seems that I am not catching a break. So, I am hoping things change.



I don't really know what my calling is anymore. I've lost interest in my art, my music, everything I used to live for. I just wish I could get myself back. I have learned a lot about everything though, being the gypsy I am. But it's time for me to move on. I need out or else I will just drown. And no one likes drowning. Especially me, I' m a lifeguard for fucks sake. I'm a surviver I guess is what I am trying to tell myself.



I would like nothing more than a family in my life. Mine is all gone in the sense of dead or disowned me. Even my siblings my oldest sister is gone somewhere and I never hear from here. My brother I speak with and he has been kind enough to let me sleep on his couch if need be so we have started a better friendship, My two youngest sisters I don't get to talk to often because my mother refuses to let me see them. My mother told me that if she would have known I'd turned this fucked up she would of aborted me no questions asked. And my father is remarried and off in his own world completely forgetting about his five children.



I remember as a child for christmas I would write santa a letter only asking him one thing. To be in a semi-functional family. To have them love me. I got nothing. Now I just want to have one still whether it is to start my own or to keep trying to fix things between my family and I. But neither seems to be likely.



I know I am young. But what you don't know is that I am very level headed and anyone that knows me on a personal level will tell you the same thing. All those people that have done me wrong are responsible for this. And all the things that I made bad decisions on are responsible for this. But when it all comes down to it all those people and things made me who I am today, and I like who I am today, so I guess I should be thanking them.



Stay positive: my new years resolution

SO here I am again. Attempting to get my thoughts straight. My mail goal is to keep active in my writing. I had given up on writing a few years ago so I would just like to write as much as I use to.



So I assume for many entries that I will start off writing will most likely not make sense in any way shape or form. I'm just going to write down every thought I think and just roll with it. Please don't think Im crazy. Its really refreshing just to get everything out of your head and really analyze it sometime. You never know what you might learn...