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Here we are again peeps, back into the whirligig of my mind as I try to sort through the randomness to get to the point. I do get so easily distracted by so many things and maintaining focus has never been my strongest suit. Though I have taken up yoga and meditation to help me learn to center and focus, I am still in the beginner levels of both so ya know….”Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage, Slide, slide, slippity-slide, I'm hittin' switches on the block in a '65. Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage, Slide, slide, hoo ride. Ain't no valley low enough or mountain high”…little bit of Coolio there for ya…lol OoOoOo but then we can mix it up with a bit of blues, some Howlin’ Wolf and add a bit of ”Well the men don't know, but the little girls understand. When everybody's sound asleep, I'm somewhere making my midnight creep. Yes in the morning, the rooster crow. Something tell me, I got to go. I am a back door man. I am a back door man”…Now I do know the Doors covered this song in 1967, well they recorded it 66 but released it 67 but Howlin’ Wolf recorded it six years prior, in June and released it in 61.

Speaking of mixing music, have any of you ever watched the show That’s My Jam with Jimmy Fallon? It is a total nonsense show but really fun and awesome in a pointless kind of way. Just for the record, Adam Lambert's cover of Muffin Man to the tune of Cher’s Do you Believe in Life After Love was pretty epic…just sayin’...lol Anyways, I think I am sorting through the rando files of my brain and I have landed at this; as a friend of mine told me, I am much stronger than I think I am. Now this does not mean that I do not struggle to hold onto my light and keep my inner happy and lovely glitter and fun cuckoo humor I like to spread around and even have stolen from time to time! I say that last bit with love and humor as it is randomly stolen and given by a dear friend. Anyhoo, getting side tracked again…lol Go figure right!

So, as I am stumbling around trying to find my footing or at least hold onto the footing I do have, I have found that old habits really tend to try and take over. I keep batting them back and they just keep planting themselves right onto the proverbial tee ball stand. Some days it is a swing and a miss and other days I don’t even need the stand to knock them out the damn park and over the fence. It’s the constant back and forth of it all that I find frustrating and tiring. Am I not allowed to change? Are we all not allowed to see who we were without blinders and evolve from that? Why must I be the same person I was a year ago? Six months ago? Or even last month to yesterday? Are we not ever evolving…growing…changing…learning? I look back at who I was, where I came from, what I came from and I see exactly where that landed me and I refuse to go back to it…to that dark, shadowed, veiled place where I felt like I had no voice, couldn’t love and accept myself, didn’t allow myself to be who I really am and who I wanted to be. We have to fall and stumble, or in my case implode to allow real growth and change.

I have made mistakes, but I am not the sum of my mistakes, they do not define me as a person. What I am is the growth that came from those mistakes, the lessons learned and the hard battles fought and won. I may have moments of weakness but that does not mean that I myself am weak, it means that I am strong enough to admit that I have them and definitely strong enough to come out swinging. I may like to hide in the shadows but that doesn’t mean I live in them or that they own me. Toodles!

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Vampirewitch39
16:24 May 18 2023

A little shadow only make the light brighter. :D.

The Muffin Man was freaking awesome. I love Adam as a singer.

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Vodka
16:26 May 18 2023

OMG!!! You saw that!! I think I love you even more now!! *swoons*

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*hums the Jeopardy tune while I think of how I want to write this out* Feel free to hum along, even if you don’t watch the show you likely know the tune regardless. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm; there is of course more but that would be skirting the line between annoyingly cute and just flat out annoying. I do try to avoid being that horrendously annoying personality type, though admittedly we all have at least a few of those moments under the old tug of war line, it tugs and you pull but in the end tugs more than you pull and poof! Your friends are all rolling their eyes and silently or not so silently cursing your name.

I really do have a point to this entry, just working my way around the hodgepodge that is my train of thought. If you have read my other entries you would see that my mind does tend to meander around everything else before actually being able to get the crux of the matter. Very few entries will ever be as clear or concise as my last one was, it is not often that I have a clear mind that is capable of such singular focus. Since I promised myself that I would only ever be myself no matter where I stood or what I was doing, that also means that those who read this have to muddle through the same wing dings, oddities and utter randomness I do everyday. It can be quite tiring to be me most days…lol; but luckily I was blessed with an abundance of energy! Also of course I have grown accustomed to this over the many years of having to deal with myself.

Now as much as I hate sounding like a broken record, I am alas, still predominantly laid up from this damn injury. No, I am not going to ramble on about my itchy brain again, however I have found myself with a lot of time on my hands to just think and think and think. Which for someone like me that isn’t always the best as I can be quite brooding despite all the glitter and laughs I throw around here. My mind, which is always active, especially when trying to catch some highly elusive but needed zz’s, tends to lead me down some rather dark rabbit holes. I find myself pondering the why of certain things I would rather just leave alone…parts and pieces of a past best left in the grave. Like a zombie they just refuse to stay dead and eat away at my poorly, itchy brain. Then, of course, not being satisfied with just fingering around and munch munch munching on the mind, they have to gnaw their way through the heart. No matter how much time passes between the then and the now the same questions, guilt, remorse, anger and loathing still remain. The main difference now is that all that negativity is finally pointed at the right person and I face that person everyday of my life through almost every reflective surface.

I have heard all the crap about not blaming myself, even though I do know it to be true, it still remains, especially when lying alone in the dark silence of my room, waiting for the dawn to come so I can laugh again and push all that shit back down where I can pretend it doesn’t still touch me. The truth is once touched by such darkness, it is always there; it’s fingering, needling tentacles just laying in wait for you to lay helpless in your own secret self loathing so it can devour you once again…after all Hell is repetition right?

COMMENTS

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Vampirewitch39
18:11 May 06 2023

Forgiveness is the hardest gift to allow oneself to receive.

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Vodka
18:26 May 07 2023

That is very very true

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