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I got a lot done today and that makes me incredibly happy. Being productive fills that hole I feel every day. I need to keep busy or I will go absolutely crazy. I will think myself into a depression and into a state of panic.

I still haven't heard back about that job that I had an interview for yesterday. I really hope the guy calls me back. If I do not get this position I will go to the employment center in my city and get my proserve so I can be a waitress.

There is a lot of stress about money in my house right now. My boyfriend is on edge and is close to snapping and losing his mind. I want to help take this stress of his back and getting a job is my way of doing that.

Today I had a job interview at a kitchen for a dishwasher position. I think the interview went really good, I find out tomorrow if I got the job. I really hope I get this job, I really need the income. I want to be able to help provide for my family. I think I will get the job because my friend put in the good word for me. Here's to hoping!

I am laying on the couch waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. Him and I are going to have a fire tonight once he is home. I am really looking forward to it. I made him promise to spend 10-15 mins with me before he plays video games. I am going to hold him to it!

I have a job interview at a restaurant for a job on Tuesday! I am so happy to finally have landed a job interview. I really hope I get this position. Money has been painfully tight for our family lately. If I manage to get this job things will start getting a lot better for us. We are debating of looking for a cheaper place as well. The rent is going up way too high where we are currently.

Wish me luck my Vampire Rave Family! :) Love you all!

I am still searching hard to find a job. I have been applying everywhere I can think of, even applying at places I know I would not like working at because that is how desperate I am. I handed out 30 resumes in person, and 30+ resumes online. I feel so ashamed and as if I am failing my daughter because I am unable to find a job. My boyfriend has a job but he only makes enough to pay rent and some bills. We have been having to get food from the foodbank for Audrey and us. Audrey deserves so much better from me...

I decided tonight would be a good night to have a fire for the first time in my fireplace. Its been really enjoyable sitting beside it and watching the fire burn away at the wood. I have always enjoyed having fires, they are so relaxing and peaceful to watch. Kinda funny how watching such a destructive force can be so calming.

I feel like my purpose on this earth is to cause chaos. I always seem to hurt those around me without even realizing what I am doing until the deed is done. I hate hurting the people I love, it kills me inside. I don't do it on purpose, things just slip out of my mouth without thinking. I need to work on this..

Spent my last weekend at my grandparents cabin. They have sold the cabin and are moving out next weekend. I am so sad that the cabin will no longer be in the family. They have had that place my entire life and my fathers entire life as well. Audrey got to spend the first 6 months of her life going out there. Four generations have enjoyed that cabin. I hope one day my boyfriend and I can have a cabin, so we can get away from the city from time to time.

I said good bye to all my deer friends and fed them some seeds for the last time. I think I will my the mule deer most of all. They were like family to me.

Tonight my boyfriend and I will be going to see the Deadpool movie, which I am really excited for! It looks like a great movie. Hopefully my boyfriend and I can be intimate tonight as well. I am craving his love and attention badly today. I have done my hair and makeup really nice and am wearing some really nice clothes. I want to be as attractive as possible for my boyfriend. Looks are very important to me.

My little one and I spent the night at my parents. It was really nice to get out of my house and spend some time with family. I feel like I've been trapped in the house lately.

I finally got my fish tank all set up and running. All I need now is fish to put in the tank! I want to get some really pretty looking fish. I have really missed having a fish tank. It is so calming just to sit down and watch the fish swim around. I used to have a lot of fish when I was younger and enjoyed it a lot.

I am so addicted to IMVU still. I do not know what about it makes it so addictive. I love talking to people on there and buying outfits for my character and even just looking at the clothes and stuff you can get for your character. I think I just answered my own question. I still find it odd how addictive those things are for me. I guess all I want is to be accepted by others and to make friends. That's what everyone wants in life, right?

I spent a good 2 hours reading the book The Vampire Lestat. I only have about 30 more pages to read. I am really liking the book. It is very well written for sure. I was feeling very on edge tonight so I decided to go take a bath, meditate and read. It seemed to have really helped my mood. I am feeling much better now.

I have been spending a lot of time on IMVU. I really enjoy talking to people in the chat rooms. I enjoy role playing on there. I can be anything and anyone I want to be, and I find that very empowering. There is no where else where I can be a different person without some kind of consequence.

I will be on this IMVU site for some time I think.

My boyfriend and I had a huge talk tonight where we laid everything out on the table and addressed everything that has been bothering us the past couple months. There were a lot of tears shed and some hurt feelings, but it was worth it. I am feeling 110% better now. I feel as if I have finally been heard. I am no longer feeling depressed, anxious or lonely. I haven't felt this good relationship wise in a very long time. Ive made promises to him and he has made some promises to me. We are going to make this work god damn it! I will not give up on this relationship so easily. I am a fighter!



I have asked him to write me a letter about how much I mean to him that I can read over and over again when I am feeling lonely, depressed, stressed or anxious. I told him not to rush on the letter and to take his time writing it. I told him I want him to mean what he says and to put a lot of thought into it and not to rush.

I look forward to reading what he writes up.

I dont really know what to say for this journal entry, but it has been awhile since ive posted so here it goes. This past week my boyfriend has been wanting space for himself so I have been giving him the space he wants. Ive been getting together with more friends and spending more time outside of the house. I have been doing more things for me and my own happiness. I cannot rely on anyone except me for happiness. Ive realized this more now than ever. My boyfriend came out and bluntly said "I dont need you to be happy" so Ive decided the same thing applies for me, I dont need him to be happy. You cannot rely on anyone for anything lately it seems. Really cut me deep when he said that to me. Oh well, I will continue to make myself happy and not expect happiness from anyone else.