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Hello all, it has been a couple days since I have posted anything here in my journal. I have been busy with my new job as a nanny and now I have finally found some spare time.

My depression has been kicking my ass pretty badly lately. I have been having anxious thoughts as well. I have been feeling lonely because my partner and I have been too busy with work to spend time together. This is causing some tension between him and I and it feels like we are drifting apart and that really scares me. I want us to be close and I want us not to have tension between us.

I love my partner so very much, I don't know what I would do without him. I know I say that a lot, but it is true!



On another note, I have started a blog on Youtube. Id love for everyone to check it out and subscribe! Id really appreciate it :)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVItXKt3KpvGWxKBeSFZVZA

I finally got my laptop fixed! Now I don't have to keep my power cord plugged in with a piece of duct tape!



My boyfriend and I are going on a date tonight. We are going out for dinner and going to see the new hunger games! I am really looking forward to tonight! The movie should be really good.

I don't want to exist anymore, to feel this pain anymore.

I want to disappear and never return to this dreadful place.

I want to leave everything behind and not look back.

I do not care who needs me or wants me, none of that matters.

I want to leave this horrid existence and never come back to it ever again.

I want it all to end.

I have been feeling so fat, flabby and disgusted with myself the passed month. I am unhappy with how big my stomach is from having Audrey. I am collecting more fat on my face, which makes me self conscious.

I want to lose this weight but I do not know how to. I want to be my skinny self again. I miss the way things used to be with my body. My body will never be the same again. I will always have this slightly different body. I will always have the stretch marks and proof of having Audrey.

I love Audrey so much, but I wish pregnancy was not so difficult on my body. I wish I was like one of those women who you cant even tell were pregnant. I wish I didnt get any stretch marks. I wish I didnt gain 100 pounds during my pregnancy.

I feel so very unhappy with my body and my life lately. I dont want to have all this responsibility, I dont want to have two people relying on me, I dont want to have to work a dead end job. I want to go back to school and get the career I want and love. I want to get back into physical shape. I want to be happy with my appearance. I want to be able to do the things that I want and desire.



I want to love myself..

COMMENTS

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ThatBeautifulArtist
22:42 Nov 12 2015

Awww, I know this feeling. Recently I have been watching what I eat and working out a little too much. Don't push yourself too hard. You may be going through postpartum too. I'm sorry :(

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frozenVheart
07:51 Nov 13 2015

Well i know how u feel all mommy's do...things never will be as they were it is caled real life honey..working all day, taking care of children ,doing house work and what not ..we forget or we r too tired to take time for ourselves.. But it is never too late to do something for ur soul ..try workout to get ur body in shape i am sure u can feel better once u will see the diference even if it wont be the same as before i am sure it will make u happier..find the will :)

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QueenZombiee
22:12 Nov 21 2015

I were model when I was younger so before every photo shoot we had to lose weight so fast.I have one magic diet and with that diet you will lose all extra kilograms in short period. If you want to know my secret feel free to inbox me.

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POST COMMENT

I am tired of my boyfriends brother and his childish bullshit. I am tired of his brothers wife, and all her passive aggressive comments on Facebook. I am done with them and I want them out of my life forever. They can just disappear for all I care.

They are dragging this family down. They are toxic to everyone who surrounds them. They need to remove their heads from their asses and grow the fuck up. I am so done that I am fuming with anger right about now.

Work and Audrey have been keeping me very busy and very exhausted. My mother is going to take Audrey for me for the day so I can catch up on sleep and have some me time.

I have decided that I am going to go get a tattoo today. It will be my Daughters name and birthdate. I am really looking forward to it.

I dont have much to say today. I just thought Id post a little bit to keep everyone updated with my mundane life that I lead.

I am feeling very anxious tonight. I was offered a job that will allow me to take Audrey with me and I will be getting paid only a $100 less than what I am being paid right now monthly.

I am feeling anxious because I do not know for sure if this is the right choice for me. I have only been working at Mcdonalds for a week and 2 days now, but this new job allows me to raise my little one.

The upsides: I can take Audrey to work with me, I am being paid $800 a month, It is only one bus ride away, I wont have to wake up at 5am.

The downsides: No health benefits, being paid $100 less, not sure if she will have a stable job that will guarantee I get paid every month, caring for another child.



I have no idea what to do. I hate not knowing what the right decision is. I hate not having everyones support and having different advice being given to me. I hate this. I am crying right now, not knowing what decision to make. I was stupid and said yes to the new job without giving it much thought. I am scared and unsure.. I dont know what to do..

My father called me just now and said that I should stay at McDonalds because they have benefits.

This just confused me and worried me more. I dont fucking know now. I was so sure before, but now I have no idea. Audrey is my main priority..

Last night I had the worst panic attack. I have managed to go a month without having a panic attack, which is a great improvement. The worst part, my panic attack was over the stupidest of shit. i feel embarrassed that something so simply triggered me to break down. Today is a new day though, and I cannot beat myself up over something that I cannot change.



I cannot believe the year is almost over. So much has happened for me this year. I have grown so much and have achieved so much as well. I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl. I have a loving boyfriend who helps me and has always been here for me. I have found a full time job and can finally help provide for my family. We finally have some stability.



Tomorrow I start my work week. I really hope that I can clear my mind and get into the right state of mind and not mess up like I did on Monday. Tuesday of next week I have to go to a funeral, which I am not looking forward to. I am going to be a crying wreck. I am going to support my family and be there for them in their time of need. I love them and want to be there for them always. I want to do the impossible for them. I wish I could take away all their pain and suffering.

Work is going quite well. I am finding it easier than I had expected. I am working till at the moment.

Tonight I was able to be intimate with my boyfriend. It was really nice. Although I have found all the focus has been on him the passed couple times. Its not a huge issue, I would just like the focus to be on me one of these times. He keeps asking me if he has disappointed me or if I am upset. I am not disappointed or upset, I am just happy to be having sex with him more often. I love him with all my heart and soul.

Tomorrow I start doing 8 hour shifts at work. It is going to be tiring, but I can do it! I am doing this so I can provide for dear Audrey. She deserves the best life I can give her. I love Audrey so much, I want to give her the world.