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Jealousy. It's a motherfucker. It's enough to turn the most rational person on the planet into a complete raging lunatic. Or me into a whiny brat....well on the inside anyway.



Does anyone else feel like on the one hand that you get told it's okay to have feelings, to be human but on the other hand if you actually express how you feel (even if those feelings are jealousy and anger) you get shunned, rejected, told to calm down or worse shut the fuck up and quit whinning?



Where am I going with this? I feel like someone is getting a better deal than I did. Like I worked my ass off and barely got anything or at least less than what I was promised. Then someone else comes in and scoops up the best deal they can without having worked as hard for it.



Am I being replaced?

Tired. Really fucking tired. Dying for a coffee and a few other sources of energy.



There's a lot of energy around me. I can feel it swirling above the heads of the people on this train. It gives me what I need but not what I want. Such is the life of a psy.



There are maybe three people who know what I am. One of them is non-vamp (as far as I know) and lives in another state. Two are vampires and are not even in the same country as I am. So you can see my dilemma. No direct donors for me to feed off.



I wonder how it will be before I give in to my darker impulses and feed off him again. I didn't mean to the first time. It just sort of happened. It's those moments that I wish I had never met him. Although if it wasn't him it would have been someone else.



That last part makes me think. Are we biologically programmed to find someone to fall in love with? Not sleep with but love? Kind of reminds me of that quote by W. Somerset Maugham



"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to assure the continuation of the species." Oh Somerset you were a wise man of your time.

Well apart from realising that I may have caused a slight fracture in the side of my right hand.



Yes that's right. This psy vamp got pissed and slammed her hand against both her wall and her desk at work. Ooops. I really should learn to control my temper more.



The good parts of my day were passing a very difficult work related exam and having dance lessons at one of the many studios the company I dance at has. Cheshire and I ventured out to the northern part of Sydney and had a great night dancing with new teachers and different students than we were used to.



Being out of the studio I normally dance at reminds me that I love dancing and it's not just him I dancing for. It's reminds me that I am a good dancer even without him. I know what I'm doing. I don't need him there to hold my hand.

Had a fantastic end to my evening. My two closest dancing friends Tink and Cheshire (not their real names) and I went for Congee and dessert in Chinatown.



I had never had Congee before and it was pretty fantastic. It’s amazing how something simple like rice, beef and some vegetables can make up such a lovely dish. Plus dessert was black rice with coconut cream. Yummy!



It was a great night and it helped take my mind off my quarrel with my sister. Once again my friends have helped me when I needed it the most and they didn’t even realise how much.



Sometimes it’s just the simple things like sharing a meal, having a laugh or just being there that makes all the difference. While you can’t choose your family you can certainly choose your friends. And me? Let’s just say I have the most wonderful friends in the world. Love you Tink and Cheshire!

To say my sister and I don't get along is an understatement. But today was not a good day at all.



I went over to my sisters place with my parents. I am about to move out and my father offered me one of the two fridges we have in the house as well as to pay some of my bond as I will be house sitting for them when they go on holiday in May (they have two small dogs that need caring for).



My sister immediately told them that they shouldn't do that. Why should I have any help from them? Pretty hypocritical considering that they paid for her $14 k wedding and gave them many other things such as an expensive dinning room table and a bed.



She kept picking away until I screamed at her to stop. She told me she was only joking. Her tone indicated otherwise. I tried to leave but collapsed due to exhaustion and it was past the time that I was due for a feeding (psy or blood)



I tried to explain to my father how I felt. His reaction was to tell me to calm down. And what did I do? I screamed. I screamed at him?



"DON'T TELL ME I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO MY FEELINGS!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"



I was crying by that point. It's always like this with my sister. Ever since she got married she always thinks she is better than me. I hate people like that. Why does she have to be like that? She treats the people she supposedly cares about like shit.



No one should ever feel like they are worse because they didn't marry their high school sweetheart or because they're not looking to be married anytime. No one should be treated like that. No one should be pushed to the brink like that.



I feel a little better now. I've had a raw bloody steak and I can feel the blood making me stronger. I usually feed off energy but this was a welcome change.

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MDLIVE13
14:51 Mar 27 2011

Hmm .. I like the bloody steak part My dear.



*Licks Lips*

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Been awake since 7.30. Had to go vote in the local election. Waste of time really considering I know nothing about the candidates and they're probably not going to do anything important anyway.



One thing though. The Christian Party advertising that they stood for no gay marriage



I'm a straight woman who has no interest in marriage anyway but it pisses me off that they want to stop (or claim they can stop) the gay community from the rights that they should have. How is two men or two women deciding that they want to spend the rest of their lives together going to destroy the institution of marriage? How is it a threat?



I don't understand people sometimes....okay a lot of the time.

Who am I dancing for? For him? For me?



I was a dancer as a child from 8 to 18. I had fun. I loved to do it but it wasn't my obsession. I tried my hardest but I didn't mind if the other girls were better than I was.



Now as an adult one fateful night I sat waiting for my lesson he showed up and gave me his hand. He was my substitute teacher while my instructor of 3 weeks was away.



At first I found him vastly unappealing. He was skinny, wore a hideous t-shirt and was far too odd (even for my tastes!). But eventually he wormed his way into my heart and I can't imagine anyone else teaching me. Week after week I practiced, I attended every lesson I could just to earn his approval. Just to hear him tell me how amazing I was.



But who am I making myself wonderful for? Was it for the amount of competition I faced at our comp last weekend? For the judges with their pens and stern eyes? Or was it for the man who had me in his arms leading me through our waltz?



The deeper I go, the better dancer I become the more I lose myself and I'm no longer sure who I'm dancing for.

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Mayhemme
05:42 Apr 03 2011

Just lose yourself in the dance and the music. As long as it continues to feed your soul, to make you feel happy then just go with it hun! As a dancer you dance for yourself, your audience and your instructor.



^.^

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A close friend who I assumed was innocent and virginal not only texts me about masturbation with a vibrator but also about a guy she has been sleeping with and sexting.



This doesn't bother me so much talking about sex but it's interesting that it's come out of nowhere .

He's always on my mind. That mop of blonde hair, blue eyes, ever present stubble, cheeky grin. That's the man I love. The man I can't have.



Who is he? He's my dance teacher. The only straight male dance teacher I know.



After five years of not wanting anyone, healing my broken heart after losing the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with I fall in love again.



He is under every thought, every movement. Without him I am only half the dancer I thought I could be. He is the one who is in control.



I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I need to write. I need to find a way to get rid of these feelings. They are killing me slowly on the inside.

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shysurfergirl
02:19 Mar 24 2011

hummm......... you KNOW what I'm gonna say, doncha !!! hugs shy~

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This was the first thought than went through my head roughly five years ago when I figured out what I was when I developed a strange kind of hunger.



I had always been able to feel energy and actually enjoyed it. It was at the age of 21 when I lost the man I thought I would marry to an untimely death. That almost destroyed me. This I believed was the event that caused my awakening.



For about a year I had no idea what to do. I met another vampire who has been able to provide so e form of guidance. Now I'm on fetlife and meeting other vamps. One who referred me to Vampire Rave.



What am I hoping to get from here? Guidance, friendship and just feeling a little less alone than I do. Well here's to meeting lots vamps.

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shysurfergirl
15:26 Mar 22 2011

princess, this is the best place that I have found, for both of our types, vr. From hear I go to sanguinarius.org. You go to that psi website, I will have to look it up and send you a message, for it okay. Also, I found my friends website helpful, vampirewebsite.net to be pretty helpful.



you will want to become famaliar with the black veil, the code of ethics that we live by. You go by the Psi vamp codex. I follow the ways of my kin.



this is a life of quiet isolation, for me. I do not bother anyone, unless I am provoked.



I hope this helps some, feel free to message me, if you need anything else, okay :)



your friend and I'm watching over you

shy~

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