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once again, i need to ask the question.. Why?



Why am i so stupid to believe that to someone i might be special?

Why do i open myself up, when i know i'll only be betrayed and hurt again?

Why do people think its ok to look right through me and pretend i dont exist?

Why am i never good enough?



i look up everyday and wish so much that for once, there would be someone standing there with their arms open for me to fall into. but there is never anyone there. i always stand alone, with no one by my side, with no one's hand to hold.



i spent my last weekend in Perth with someone who could only be discribed as my "Friend with Benefits". he promised that he would do what no one else does and hold my hand, hug me and kiss me, and not care who could see. but like every other person who said they would do that, he lied. he never once held my hand. he hugged me twice, (once when he picked me up from the train and once when he dropped me off at the train to go home) and he kissed me once, as he dropped me off at the train. he told me one the way to his car that if we saw anyone he knew, that i was nothing but a cousin. (hes a catholic and his family are strict). it hurt alot, but i was ok with that.

that night we found a hotel for us to stay at. it was a good price and it was a nice place. we had sex, as you do. then he said he had to go home for dinner so his parents wouldnt know what he was doing. he promised to be back soon and bring me food. i waited. seven and a half hours later, he comes back with one large mcdonalds fries and a burger for himself. we watched TV, had sex, then went to bed.

the next morning found us waking up, having sex, then he left to go on a free wine tour from work, leaving me to do homework. he got back bout 3 hours later, then left again for half and hour to get pain killers, then passed out for four hours from an ear ache. when he woke up, we watched TV, eat the chips he brought home for dinner, then he left at 10.30 at night to go sleep at home because his parents wanted him home for the night.

he came back at 9.45am to help me check out of the hotel. he dumped me at the cinema after he bought me some breakfast, to go to church. i sat outside the cinema for an hour and kept waiting for him. after that, we watched another movie, during which he made no physical contact at all, even though we were in the dark and no one could see us. i cried my way through the movie and not once did he care. after that he drove me into the city and we sat in a park for half an hour before my train came in. he played a game on his phone the whole time and our conversation was the "do you wanna know whats wrong?"... (two minute silence).. "whats the point the weekend is over".. (another two minute silence)... "do you wanna know anyway?" type of conversation (most of which i spent in tears). he then drove me to the station, carried my heavier bag and dropped me off. he hugged me, gave me a quick kiss, said 'message me' then left. (he was parked in a Taxi zone and he would have faced a $200 fine, so i give him the right to leave on that one).



that was my weekend. sure the sex was amazing, but amazing sex can only do so much. i guess its what i get for getting emotionally attached so easily and for falling in love. he told me the first time we had sex on the Friday, then he loved me and that i was beautiful and sexy, but when i told him i loved him too on the Sunday, he told me to not let myself fall for a dickhead and avoided the whole topic.



for once, i just want to know where i stand and what i need to do. all i want is to keep feeling what i felt on that weekend, which was that i existed and that i mattered just a tiny bit to someone and they wanted to be near me, but as usual, i fell in love, and got my heart broken again because i fell for someone who lied to me, and didnt care for me at all.



so as usual, im left asking that same question.. Why?



much love to all

Caitlin