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early evening tonight! it has been something like a year since my last public journal entry, but you know how every night slips into nothing and time passes like a gentle wind. i hurt myself this week to avoid smoking again, and nobody seems to understand why it was pragmatic. i have control over healing my skin but whatever happens between a cigarette and my lungs is untranslatable. everyone else makes the obtuse choice and puts off the hurt for later. all of my dreams are real to me in a way because they are kept in the same place as my memories. a few nights ago i dreamt i was fighting a man again, and i was really hurting him. i had to run around telling everyone why i had hurt him, that he had grabbed my forearms and i needed to scratch him up to protect myself. i had another dream that my legs were mutilated and i couldn't feel them, and i limped around my apartment trying to bandage them up and reattach tendons and things to other parts of my legs. they were full of holes and threatening to fall apart but i was dragging myself around and i didn't feel them at all. i fell in love again after i let my heart atrophy from fear.