The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

have you ever swore you'd never feel the same way about someone or something after it tore your life apart but then one day you find your self dwelling in the past wishing you could go back?



the other day i opened up a box that had some pictures that i thought i had lost an instantly i felt this feeling inside of me that i hadn't felt in such a long time...a feeling of dread and pain..of memorys that danced in my head

i cryed becuase i knew i would never experience those memorys again...some were bad and some were good

everywhere i go now i think of all the things that happened...my memorys linger everywhere i go and it reminds me of what i lost

there's this empty feeling inside of me that's ripping at my gut and it cripples me with pain and hurt



nothing was the same after the night that i died....when i came back...i knew that it was over that the life i knew and loved was over..even if it was full of drugs and sex



i'm so damn tired of feeling so empty and lost, full of hurt and pain

its' not fair to walk down the street and see a couple holding hands and know that you'll never know that happiness and if you did you'll never have it again

i've died twice and it hasn't changed a thing, the pain is still there along with the hole in my head





"And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"



-blue october

have you ever know or felt like there was something else inside of you...another part of you that was dieing to be free and squreming to get out?



last night i went over to amy's....we renting movies and got drunk off our asses...it was so much fun...later Dan came over and hung out and we smoked some pot and drank somemore....i was on fucking cloud nine

it was great

later amy tryed to get christan to call todd so he could tell him goodnight and that he loved him but christan didn't want to ...it's like he hates his father...i feel so bad for amy she has it bad and yet she still is able to smile after everything that's happened to her, i don't know how she does it

she is so independent and so strong...i wish i could be like her but i'm not strong enough like her

i don't know how to be



Raven

when he walked though the door....i knew....i knew that he had changed....she had changed him



i hated her for it...i hated her for taking him away from me...my own family

how could he just abondon us like that?

after he had gathered all his things he just looked at me with pity in his eyes then put his hand on my hair, messing it up a bit and said

"one day i know you'll understand" then he turned and walked out the door

i stood on the porch and watched them drive off....i felt an emptyness inside me, one that i hadn't felt since i lost amber

i feel to my knees and cryed becasue i knew that this time he wasn't coming back



the next day i met her...she came over with him

i could feel an evilness inside her...it was dark and threating



after everyone had left...she came up behind me and whispered in my ear

"i know what you are and i know about your powers......Raven"

fear shot through my spine, i was frozen where i stood....how did she know who i was and about my power?

"don't worry little boy..i won't kill you...at least not yet...i'm not done with your brother yet"



she laughed and walked out of the room to join the others

i felt so alone..she must have been after my powers or just wanted me dead...just like anyother demon....i knew that this was it..i was going to die and nothing i did could stop it...not that i cared

oh well if i'm killed by a demon then i guess there's nothing i can do but accept it

at least i can rest in peace now



whereever he was, she was right next to him..cleanging to his arm like a little child...they were all over each other



i swear grownups are sooo stupid

she grined at me, her face always haunted me in my dreams and laughed at me

i wasn't getting out of this one and everytime we fought...she always won

i can't keep hiding these injurys from everyone and the marks on my neck and back.....along with the cuts in my wrist



i would have asked jessie to help me but t his is my fight, my demons and i can't let her get caught in the middle of this...i have to do this alone and if i die...then so be it



i'm sorry jessie, you were the best sister anyone could ask for



and for the one who always keeps tabs on me...you know who you are

i'm sorry i wasn't there for you ...i know you will have a beautiful life one day and i'm sorry i pushed you away...i guess we weren't ment to be

goodbye old friend



Raven

i walk to the edge and look over the clif, The ocean screams down below begging for me to jump and join it

i look back and see that there's noone there to stop me...this is my destany and this is how it must be

I close my eyes and grab the locket with her picture inside, squeezing it in my hand

i muble her name and that i love her

"goodbye for now" i say and with that i let myself fall toward the ocean that screams my name



when you fall time seems to slow down and stop

i embraced the darkness and left this world that was full of lies and mistruss that so many had been hurt by

The tomb stone said :in memory of our child and friend



"go on siad the magicain "push it in and twist it a few times just to see if it hurts"

he held the knife infront of me

maybe this is a test i have to past to get to hell and take over that place

i took the knife he held and slowly pushed it inside of me

everything became so fuzzy and white and then there was nothing

i know i can't win this fight....i don't have what it takes to go on anymore....i use to think that i could take what life throws at me but now........i'm not so sure



i'm so alone....amy is going to a concert with her friend carrie...mike is with his girlfriend or his lover....i tried to call him and he was like "well i have to go ..i can't talk to you right now" and then he just hung up on me when i was trying to ask him for help and mom is also going to see some country singer so i'll be baby sitting christan friday night again....like i don't have anything else better to do



nothing has really changed here...i always end up getting abondon or blown off for something more important

i'm so sick of tring for them...of trying to be there for them and then when i need them they just up and leave me....it's like i'm not even here half the time and the other half they don't have the time for me

fuck this...i don't care anymore

i'm debating about taking these pills....there's so many to choose from

the red ones are for the heart and the blue ones are for stress.....hmmm what would happen if i took both of them...sounds like fun

ok maybe not but still ....i want something to take this away



this song describes me...i love this song



"hate me today,hate me tomarrow

hate me for all the thingsi didn't do for you"



it reminds me of a love ...or at least that's what it used to be



"Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you



I'm sober now for 3 whole months

it's one acomplishment that you help me with,

the one thing that tore us apart is the one thing i won't touch again

in my sick way i wanna thank you for holding my head up late at night

while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight"



this is by blue october

have you ever wanted to drop off the face of the planet simply because you felt like you didn't fit in or you wanted to die so bad because you were tired of being alone and hated by others because of the way you looked or dressed?



when i woke up friday my head was spinning and the wounds on my body were sore from the night before, i didn't want to go to school...i wanted to just lay there all day and sleep hoping i would never wake up again and that i would go to a place in my head that i knew didn't exsist but i would die a thousand deaths to get there



i walked into the art room during lunch and crawled up under the table so i could get away from everyone hoping they would leave me alone and plus i had a head ache and didn't want to be bothered but that didn't stop them ...i was tortured relentlessly

i wanted to die so bad i kept hoping my heart would suddenly just stop and i would embrace the darkness like i dreamed of doing so many times before

i walked out of there early so i wouldn't have to listen to them anymore....looks like i will have to go to the libaray during lunch if i want some piece...they hate me i feel like everyone's out to get me



later after me and mom got home from the trip i went with mike over to todds house....he of course wasn't there so me and mike started drinking and playing the xbox, i got up and went into the back room heading for the bathroom, i turned and locked the door behind me and turned on the water so he couldn't hear me

i threw up everything that i had eaten that day

after i was done i went back and grabed two cases of a six pack of bacardi and smirnoff

i drank more than mike and by 3 in the morning he had passed out but i had finished what he didn't drink and moved on to the liquer and by four todd didn't have anymore alcohal in the house

later i fell alseep in the floor but todd came home later with this girl...i don't remember much but i woke up and saw her and him both leaning over me with a worried look on there face, she picked me up and carried me into the guest room and put me on the bed where i remained for the rest of the night

in the mornig she was gone but my pain was still here alone with that pleasent headache i had



today i went and visted grandmother...she seems ok but the surgrey really did a number on her



i really don't want to go back to school on monday...i hate that place ...i hate my life, my home...i'm so fucking misrable that i can't take it anylonger and i just can't do this anymore...i must escape this place...i have to get out of this lonelyness...there must be a better place than this...there just has to be



Raven