The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

the darkness i have been there

it's horrors i have seen

i go there when i'm lonely

you'll glimpse it as u dream

a place inside that ill allow

no other soul to pry

a place to hide these thoughts

that cry...i think i'd rather die

no matter the friends i keep

it's always alone i sleep

no matter the people with whom i talk

it;s alone i shall be forced to walk

when night drop cold across the land and i'm searching for your hand

i know that it shall not be found for your distance does abound

with time i've grown so cold i've slipped beyond the edge of my fold and in the darkness corners i shall face the night

another puppy died last night....i woke up this morning and went to chck on them and my step mom was yelling at me abou t how it was all my falut.....i've been up since sunday and she exspects me to watch those pupies...i didn't mean to fall alseep...



she later went downstairs and i heard her burst inot tears...so i closed the door and sat in the floor with gracy the only female dog...as my step mom cried i thought to myself "what ya know the bitch does have a heart " but then i thought that theres no way possible she could have a heart...

this is why i don't want to live with this shit anymore



later

Raven

ok so our dog had puppies , seven of them and two died..i stayed up all night taking care of the others making sure noone died...i'm so damn tired but i have to stay ...i'm checking on them every hour to make sure there ok



...she called again but i wasn't here

i'm not going to call her back...she'll end up saying something to hurt me again and i don't really feel like putting up with her bull shit anyhow...



well got to go the dogs barking again

Raven

ok so today.....ok i guess

i went to the graveyard with my mom today so we could put a reaf on my grandfaters grave....no one else in the family did anything for them ....they think its a waste of time

i wonder if i'm the only one who still gives a damn about others....i know i shouldn't hate people but i can't help it



....kym emailed me something today

i was something to describe your self and well in the middle of it it asked someone you love?

and well .....i don't really care anymore

she said she only loves me as a friend and i feel completely differient.....i don't love her AT ALL....i know i shouldn't be mad or hate her ways but i can stand it anymore

she drives me insane ...she way she treats me or talks to me

i've decided to not date or trust anyone else



even if i wanted to love someone ....i couldn't because i don't have anny feelings on the inside

i'm just tired of the word love....i know i don't love anyone

i'm just cold and numb inside

and it's all becasue i tursted to many people

later

Raven

my ex wan't to go back out with me...she broke up with her boyfriend....and now she's looking to me for an answer

i can't go back out with her...i can't do this anymore

i'm tired of that word love ...no sick of it

there is no love in this body of mine what so ever

it's cold an empty on the inside...someone could say they love me and i could care less



i tried to call someone yesterday to make sure she was ok but as i was doing so i realized i didn't care anymore

it didn't hurt to think about her or how she hurt me...i just didn't care anymore'

i've finially moved on now

but now my other x wan'ts me

i don't know what to do i told her that i need time alone and that could be for ALONG time

i hope i do find happiness someday because i'm tired of feeling so cold and empty on the inside



Raven

well i just went out to eat with t.j. and his mom

well had a good time i acually laughed

we talked about a certin someone and everything that had happened....we talked about how much we hated them

i laughed my ass off the entire time

i haven't laughed like that in a long time

later



Raven

last night i was sitting in my room and elizabeth called me

wanted to know how i was so i told her everything there was about how everything sucked since she left

she asked me later if i wanted to date her

i didn't know what to say

i like her but i don't think i can trust her

i told her i'd think about it

later we went out together and caught up on things

we went to the mall and hung out

then we went to a party in greenvile ...that's where her sister lives

anway i got home around 4

my parnets were still asleep so i snuke up stairs and pasted out on my bed ....been a long time since i had that much fun....nothing really happened at the party

i talked to her sister and got to know her

her names jessica

she's pretty cool

know alot about the greek gods and magick

she seems really smart

i kinda like her

but still i needto be alone for awhile

later

raven

i don't know why i do this...why i trust people

i hate the way she treats me...why does she hate me so much? i sat in the graveyard last night and thought about everything...like why i'm still here...i stayed there untill 4a.m. i watched the people as they came and went

i saw a boy and a girl who shared there love

they sat on the corner and talked almost all night

exactly where me and mellissa sat that night on christmas....later i went home and drew some rather depressing images of how i wanted to die

i couldn't sleep ....everytime i close my eyes i see her with another man and it rips me apart

i grabed a razor and began to crave

there's now a perfect heart with her name in the center of it....now she can't say my heart never bled for her

the other night i was walking around the city ...i stoped at the old abandon shopping mall close to where her house is...i sat and hoped that she would come out but i was just fooling myself

i sat for 3 hours and just thought of her

when i was walking home i almost got hit by a car...i steped out onto the road and a car slamed on brakes and was only an inch away from splattering me across the road...i hated that person...why couldn't they just have missed the brakes and end my suffering...i also hated myself for not walking out further into the road

i wanted that car to hit me more than anything but really i just wanted the hurting to stop

i would gladly let someone rip out the black heart from my chest if it ment no more pain

i don't want to hurt anymore

Raven

i hate peple .....i really hate them with a pasion

she says one thing to me on the phone and then acts like a complete bitch to my face....and yet a part of me still loves her....i wish i had no emotions...no feelings , that way i could care less what she did to me

i need to move on ....but i can't



there's this girl.....that likes me...but i don't want to be in another relationship...i want to forget my pain and be left alone so i can't hurt anymore

but this pain will stay with me forever



The voice....it's back...it happened today in class

i heard it ....it told me that everything was my fault that i'm the reson people suffer....i didn't want to listen to it but i did

and it's true...i'm the reson kym suffers so much and i'm the reason so many people hate me

i shouldn't exsist i don't belong here

later

Raven

i woke up this morning with a bad headache and a hangover....last night was just tooo much for me...i needed to feel something else other than this pain in my cheast....this aching pain that i know will never go away.......while i got wasted i thought of a lot of things ....like where i was and what the hell i had gotten myself into

i thought of kym though....i don't know what to do anymore and i'm honestly fucking sick of watching her from a distance knowing that i'll never be able to tell her how i really feel

...the other night she told me she was talking to someone else....she said she loved me but she wasn't going to wait around and do nothing....and that i should move on to....ya see her mother said she didn't aprove of me..and she wasn't to date me ever again.....i told her i still loved her and that that would never change no matter what and all she said was "ok" as if she didn't really care

last night she said something about the guy she was seeing and was rubing it in....well i said "whatever it doesn't matter, i don't care anymore" she said "don't lie tyler i know it rips you up inside to see me talking to someone else"

and she was right



i wanted to drop dead when she said that

sometimes she talks about this guy ....or trys to say things in front of her friends to make me feel like shit and she's doing a damn good job at it

this is why....i didn't want to get to involed ...not like i was before....i kinda always knew something like this would happen..

i ended up trusting her and loving her and i get stabed in the heart just like last time

but this time it REALLY HURT....

i give up...i know i'll never get to be with her

she'll probley end up loving him and i'll be alone again......sure wish i had my razor with me right now or something to make it go away

THAT'S IT I'M NEVER TRUSTING ANYONE ELSE AGAIN!

later

raven

i hate my life

last night my dad lyed and said that my prescription had runout and that the doctor said i would be fine ....i don't belive that shit

he just don't want to have to pay for my meds

what an ass hole i give up if he don't care about me then why should i ?

he won't take me to the docter and everytime i have a headache or start throwing up he says" oh you'll be fine"

i fucking hate this life

later

Raven

things sre out of control

i don't know what to do

kym broke up with me....didn't evn really give me an answer why

i don't think she loves me anymore

i can tell when she looks at me



i don't want to be here anymore

i said i wouldn't do anything but why shouldn't i?

i 've got nothing left anymore



i have to get out of this place, i must escape this desolation...

i don't belong here

raven