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somedays, i feel very trapped. i think i live in a bit of a fantasy world. i wonder if this is all i'm going to do for the rest of my life...because if i don't do anything to change it...it won't change. i will continue to be in the same home with the same ppl doing the same job going the same places. i actually feel sick when i think about that. i crave excitement sooo bad it aches inside me. if i didn't have my bike i swear i would loose my mind completely. i wish i could get drunk.....i don't actually think that's a good long term plan, but i think i would temporarily be happy in oblivion. i am one unhappy puppy at the moment. maybe i need to do some sky diving or something to get my blood pumping....something that puts my life in danger.....oh hang on i do a job that puts my life in danger.......but that doesn't count, thats work, i'm talking about something fun, for pleasure. there used to be a crazy s&m/bondage club in brizzie...i would love to find a place like that again, go incognito and just blow off steam.....or like today at work i saw some guys knocking down 2 houses with escavators.....i would love to give that a go, just smash a whole house to bits...... :D ahhhh i feel a little better already....

it doesn't matter what i think, do or say. i just have a huge problem getting to bed at a reasonable hour. my mind thinks about strange stuff in the nighttime. much different to what i think about during the day. it's almost scary sometimes. i've always said my mind is like a dark alley, don't go in there alone.....well without weaponary and reinforcements that is. it is exactly 12.00am and i'm just starting to kick along. d

i'm not afraid, but i am afraid....i am awake, yet i am asleep.....i am laughing, but i feel like crying....i look calm, but i am excited.....i pretent to be content, alas i am frustrated.....i am bound, but i am free.....

lately i have become overcome with obsessions. i've been away overseas and away from my comfort zones. i talked to someone i know about how i feel about being bitten by a vampire, they thought i was mad. im thinking i should keep my thoughts to myself, other than here on this website, it seems the only place where i can share and others don't think i'm a freak. i don't look like a freak, i blend into society very well. in fact, other people seem to think i'm very attractive, although i struggle to see it most of the time. i wish i could just be myself somewhere without judgement or condemnation. i wish i could have acceptance from others. there's the woman i show the world, and there's the woman i truly am,,,,,they aren't one and the same. d