The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The secret is to avoid an emotional bond with them

...what a rip off

...well it was just gathering dust!

...actually it's more of a rap!

Died in his own arms

But l'm alright nowoooooooo!!!!

It was riveting!

Son: Was it something l said?
Dad: Yes!

He's looking down on me
My dad's not dead...just condascending

Sat on a wall
Shrouded in darkness

Omg that is like soooo dark and insightful of the darkness in my life...
I'm a very dark person and this like speaks to me...

VR

I thought it'd be a bunch of snowflake...personality lacking...pc agenda pushing freaks writing about how morbid and sh** their lives were while shunning any honest overture that might improve their lot in life...

Boy was l wrong...

They can't write!

I was made to walk the plank
We couldn't afford a dog

You never get anywhere in life without opening doors...l'll miss him...he got sucked out of an aeroplane

He's his own worst enemy

It's not my cup of tea!

That's wrong on so many levels

I'm pleased to say l've been dry now for 3 years

It doesn't last long if you're fat

Doc: That's strange
Chick: That's just the tip of the iceberg

Assured of his own intellectual superiority the bar manager says: "That'll be $30 buddy"
The Gorilla reaches into his wallet and pays cash
Tilling the money the manager says: We don't get many of your kind in here"
"Not surprised at $30 a f**king pint!"

MECHANIC: Looks like you've blown a seal there buddy
INUIT: No that's just frost on my moustach

Hi there...Brad says to Jeb the guy he'll be bunking with for the next 6 months...
"I'm Brad...Cold here isn't it.
Yup...replies Jeb"
Needing a wee Brad goes outside and is amazed to find his wee freezes instantly so he breaks off the frozen yellow wee to show to Jeb
Brad: Lookee here!!! How cold is that?
That's nothing...says Jeb who goes to the freezer and pulls out a huge block of ice..
Setting it on a radiator Jeb says...watch this then....
FARRRRRRRT!

Sorry Sir...that'd defeat the object...

Or am l?

Neville's standing as a prophet was marred one fateful day when he received a vision of a land where bacon grew relentlessly on a giant bush...as his people reached the site they were all massacred...as the last survivor dragged himself towards Neville's prayer tent he saw Neville...admonishing himself and whispering these fateful words.... Dammit...hambush...it was a hambush l saw

Nacho cheese!

Got a call saying my best friend is in Casualty...
18 hours of tv watching...
l watched all f***ing episodes...
But was he in any of them?
Noooo...
Silly f***er crashed his car and was snoozin it in a coma!!!
Lazy lying c***

Baby seals

Passive Aggressive Psycho Bitch turns 4 today!

Is there nothing l can't crack one out to!

Unckie Bob...the teacher asked a question today and l was the only one who could answer it
Well done Timmy...what was the question?
Who f***ing farted?

STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE C...

Until l realised that most chicks were wearing a different type of bra...to my grandma

Brad goes for a job as a lion tamer
He meets the trainer Otto who shows off all his skills
Otto: now go in there and assert your dominance over the alpha lion
Brad: what if the lion comes at me
Otto: reach behind you...pick up a fistful of s**t and throw it in the alpha's face
Brad: what if there's no shit there
Otto: ohhh...there will be son...don't you worry

Pandas don't want to be saved...even a Panda won't f**k another panda!!!

He lives at 82 so it's no inconvenience

$15 per hour plus...a bit of mileage

Have a f***ing guess Carl!!!

We'll see about that!!!!

BARIUM!!!!! There's the element of surprise!!!

I'm calling the shots here!!!!

That's bang out of order!

At the helium factory...l refuse to be spoken to in that tone

Who does that?
Why does this need to be written?
Are people really so stupid that they need to be reminded?
But what's with all the posturing?
Don't go there...BUT BETTY...don't go there...stay away from there!!!
Are you vampires?
Or silverback gorillas?
Is this King Kong rave? Or VR?
What about: oh l'm a bitch hurh hurh hurh...
Is that something you're proud of?
Why would you define yourself with a negative personality trait to impress?

What now?
YOU KNOW THE RULES
But why here?
TUT TUT...THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE STIRRINGS OF INSUBORDINATION
Relax...l just can't see the point of this
YOU MUST LEARN TO WALK AMONG THEM
l already know that
BUT NOT HOW TO WALK AMONG THEM AS ONE OF US
l see...at least l think l do
YOU WILL HAVE MANY LEARNINGS AND QUESTIONS HERE...NOW...FIRST STEPS...ESTABLISH CONTACT