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damn it all
03:48 Oct 13 2006
Times Read: 535






things to think on

Current mood: determined



Yesterday was a hard day for me. A friend of mine came back into my liewhen i thought she had left it for good.

Her ane is Crystal.



she is another friend of mine form dragon fest and for a while i had a crush on her( lol how silly that sounds)



she first came into my life when i was having fath issues

iwas rebelling against every thing i had been taught( mush as i amsure mos people do)



mymother and i were fitting that year and i felt so alone it hurt

i broke down after a big fight with my mom

and cried over it forr the first time in years. giving in



to a part of me

that i had locked away for years



it felt good to do so

and i have done it regularly since

and have not had any issues with faith since. i ahve an over abundance of that i am told



agian seh came into my life

when i was facing off against my x. and trying to break free of her



when i am in a relationship i am a very loayl soul

i belong to that person



without question and without

doubt

but with crystal there it was easier to let go

she saved me from throwing myself away to a person who didnt love me even if i still took my sweet time in lettig go



all i did was cuddle althoguh my head still wonders if i could have done more if i ahd asked



and my heart is still curioous



but i knnow that i cannnot do that lol and at this point it is for personal reasons





we kept in touch kinda for a while

and every time i would talk with ehr

it owuld be the same three topics

i found that odd

lvoeers lonely or faith

always the same



then she disapeared into the world of bdsm( not a place fro the unwary)

when i talked to her i was to vanilla to keep up

to green and not good enough

her world could nt acomodate

me nor could i understand it

it ditdnt make any sense to me



it jsut felt foreitgn

and well i got curious and dove in headfirst balls to the wall and all that jazz.



I did things follishly and have the mental and emotioanla and physical scars to prove it



i changed a lot more then i thought i had

and gave mroe then i thoguth i had till she reapeared yesterday



for a while

i ahve kept myself closed

and i realize why this is

i do not believe as so many do tat the soul always finds its mate

or even if suxh things exist



at this point in my life

i ahve found many of the things i want i a mate/partner/ friend

and am giving them



i think i may have offended her

when we talked

by teling her i have a war against mormons



i do not think it ws taken well



or some of the other things i said.



in truth i wage war against the indiffrence suffered by humanity

the loss of its innocence

this is the age of growth

the age wehre we make the diffrence in the world



i am still me

and i ahve survived

in a way suprisng to every one who knows the full tale

and o date i think that is about 2 people other then myself and one of them died not long ago. due to inaction form the mormon church



( the church of later day saints)





i am told i am a cinic

and have lsot mycuh of the joy in my life

but it happens



i have hopes and fears but have given up the delusion sof childohood tat i may pursue the delusions of adult hood



I thank you Crystal for the things in my life you ahelped me change

and for teaching me in your own way how to bend like the reeds in the wid



i amynot be a subby or a true dom

but that lesson hads tought me more then you can knwo



Iwill pray for you

and i will send love and hope your way daily no matter what happens or if you never pop into my lie againON that you ahve my word