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Dear Alcohol,



First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As

my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden

inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless

family gatherings.



However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I

want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your

influence has led to some unwise consequences:



1. Phone Calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question

the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place

after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call family and those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends

when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let

alone all hours of the night?



2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat

a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and

mustard washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet

chili and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too

far this time.



3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga

to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me

to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that

appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it

should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the

lock!!



4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a

little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but

the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is

shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,

bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on

the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and

in no way interfere with my daily activities.



Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would

like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of

great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion

when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.



In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully

review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an

answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible

solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.



Thank you,

Your biggest fan



P.S.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon



Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate



Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Just in case you've had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day, here is a QUICK seven-step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.



The funny thing is - this really works. Try this………...slowly:





1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.



3. No one but you knows your secret place.



4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."



5 The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.



6. The water is crystal clear.



7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.



See - You are smiling already.

Well i finally got round to doing what i've been planning since i joined VR. prem membership :)



Lifes awesome just now, the darkness has been beaten back into the corner and the light is blinding, god i feel good.



I got a new car, some might say its just a car. but to me its a gimmasive thing. Its freedom, independance. and a chance for some new adventures :) now wheres my map of scotland...