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The service for Logan's mom is in two weeks, on the 9th. It's not been an easy five months since her passing, and I don't know if things are going to get easier anytime soon. There's a lot going on that I can't discuss here, and it's just stressful. If I felt like I was in a limbo before waiting for the move, it's even worse now due to these other issues. It also kinda sucks that the service is the 9th, and my birthday is the 10th. I don't really want to do anything, because I don't want Logan to feel obligated to celebrate with me when we'll have just had the service for his mother. I'm not that selfish to demand gifts and whatever when the day before, we were all reminded that his mother isn't with us anymore. My parents will be attending the service, so they'll actually get to meet some of Logan's family. It's under the shittiest of circumstances, but it is what it is. I need to make sure I have a nice black dress that can be worn, and I might have to get a new pair of shoes, since all I have are heels, and my Adidas, and neither are really appropriate for the occasion. I might get a pair of black flats or something with a kitten heel. It still makes me sad to be reminded that she's no longer here. I really wish she and I could have gotten to know one another better. She was such an amazing human.

Oh no, Hulk Hogan died. How sad. Or something. Kinda hard to be upset that a racist piece of absolute human excrement died. I was sad that Ozzy passed, despite not being a fan, but Hogan? I don't even believe in hell, but I hope he's down there burning. Fuck that guy.

I took my mother to see Superman in IMAX yesterday. She's not a huge fan of comic book movies, and I have never been a huge fan of Superman (or most of DC, to be honest), so I've only seen a few of the Superman films over the years. But, man, it was really good. Like, really good. I didn't expect it to be as good as it was. When I heard that it was Gunn's first movie in his new role with DC, I was skeptical that he could make something truly worth watching, I considered it a shitty test for him. But, man, did he blow it out of the water. I highly recommend seeing it if you haven't already.

Logan and I drove down PCH for the first time since before the fires. It's devistating, the damage that's been done to a fairly iconic shoreline. The Pacific Palisades... Gone. The iconic houses right on the beach, so many of them are gone as well. All that's left are the pillars or bits of the foundations. You can see along the hillsides where the fire just ripped trough. In such a short time, that shoreline has so drastically been changed. I don't think it'll ever look the way it did before the fires.

We also tried going to Little Tokyo, because I thought it would be fun to walk around and look at things. I haven't been out to Little Tokyo since before Covid, so I expected some change, but not what I saw. It used to be blocks of stores, now it's like, this tiny little corner, with a few stores open. I don't know if it was Covid, or the fact the ICE is still roaming around our city, or both, but it was so sad to see. We didn't bother stopping, it wouldn't have been worth it.

I also got to briefly meet one of Logan's other siblings, one of the bad ones who fucked him out of his trust for college. I've known his two youngest sisters since we started dating, but I've only heard of the three of Kirk's kids through word of mouth. He was not what I had expected. But then, he was also totally what I expected. If that makes any sense. He's got the rich kid who grew up in a stupidly wealthy family vibe to him, while also being... He gives the impression of someone who'd wear a fedora and say "m'lady" to any femme presenting person. And, you know, that's not an awful thing, it could be worse, but it's just not what I expected when I've heard the stories I have. Or maybe it's exactly what I expected and the reality just shocked me a bit. I don't know. It's just one of those weird things. But, while he's still one of the bad ones, he's also the only good one of the three of them, so I guess there's that. He seemed to really want to at least try to make things right between him and Logan, and I can respect that. I'll see him more at the funeral service next month.

But yeah, it's been a nice weekend, they always are, and they always go by too quickly. I can't wait until we're actually able to live together.

Figuring out myself and my gender identity has been a slow, years' long process, and I'm still trying to figure things out completely. But with that, I've been considering the idea of getting a chest binder, as well as going by a more gender neutral form of my name. I'll always be Nicole to family, and that's fine, but I am toying around with the idea of going by Nik. My immediate family has called me Nik or Nikki since I was a kid, so it's not all that different. But I feel like that's more aligned with who I am. So, I don't know if I'll ever fully change my name legally, maybe when Logan and I get married, but at least when I introduce myself or when working I can just say I'm Nik. It hasn't been easy, since fully realizing I'm non-binary, I've had to deal with a lot of push back from people, people saying I'm confused or just going along with a fad. It's also hard with the whole "there are only two genders" bullshit rhetoric. But, I know who I am. I'm not some confused kid, I have felt this way for my whole life, just never really having a way to fully realize it. I'm going to be 38 next month, I know who I am and how I feel. I'm not some silly kid who's just playing along with what's in at the moment. That line of thinking is so harmful. To say anyone who feels differently is just confused or trend following, it's disgusting and so harmful.

But yeah... That's where I'm at, and I'm so grateful that I have people in my life who do understand and who do accept me for who I am as a person, not for what gender I may or may not align with.

COMMENTS

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R3d
01:21 Jul 11 2025

I am so proud of you! :::huggs:::

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