The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

well, not much is happening and suprisingly it is a very cold day. that's cool though. i don't mind in the least. i saw the therapist yesterday (alec) and they are trying to keep me busy in positive ways because i feel trapped and non existant at this point of my life due to the fact that i am waiting on social security and they know that when i start to feel like this that i have no problem dissappearing and not resurfacing till i am ready to come out of isolation. i guess that i'm considered a flight or fight person. i usually do it when i want to feel something, anything to make me feel alive instead of dorment. i hate that feeling. i've meant so little to the world and people around me that i have no attachment to anything or anyone and i don't have a problem leaving with no notice. i know that everything we have is just materialistic and can be replaced so i'll leave everything behind and give no warnings. the fight part only happens if my rage kicks in and it takes alot to make me mad. usually i am only mad when i find out people are playing head games or endangering me and/or people i hold close to me that i care about. this is when my homicidal thoughts kick in and believe me i never go with my first instinct cause other wise i would have been in prison along time ago, instead i always go with my second instinct. other than that i am fine. i just get kinda stir crazy staying at a location for a period of time. i love to travel and explore, experiment and experience. i always say that we never make mistakes, instead we learn how to not do things and how to do things. i do not regret or feel sorry for any of the decisions in my past because i made them for a reason and i learned from them and i would not be the person i am today if i had not made them and experience what i have. that is why i am not mad at my family for the abuse they distributed to me growing up because i would not be who i am today if i had not endured it. don't mistake for a second that i am happy about it cause of course i am not. i mean it is unfortunate what i was put through to be the person i am today and alot of times all i want is to be accepted and not forgotten and i want my life to have meant something to someone and all that good stuff but, in reality i know it will probably never happen and if not then that is okay because i am a very spiritual person and i will not allow anything physical to tie me to this world when it is my time. i want to roam free and not be tied to a routine if you will. but, if i do accomplish to mean something in this world to someone and i am not forgotten then that is great too. either way i am fine. anywho* i am a rebeled person. if i feel that someone is trying to control me in any way shape, form or fashion then i will rebel and make them leave me or i will leave without notice, depends on how violent the person is and the situation. i do not believe in being another statistic. if i notice that there will be abuse i will leave and if they do get physical i do get physical back, but just enough to buy me time to disappear. i love it when people think i am stupid. i am a true blonde but, just because i space out does not mean that i am not paying attention. in fact that is when i absorb the most. it goes into my subconscious and my conscious. there are times i can pay attention to three or four different conversations and be able to tell you exactly what was being said in each. anywho* i really dont know what else to talk about today. so, i guess that i will write more tommorrow. :)

I was born in leander, texas but raised in florida. i really dont have much to say at this moment due to the fact that i am a very anti social person and i am not used to society. in fact i honestly would rather do with out society, but i am trying. i am not a bad person, but my way of thinking is considered inhumane if you will. people often times told me that i am so cute and innocent looking and they especially think i am adorable when i get upset until my rage kicks in and every one is shocked in amazement because they thought i could never say or do the things i have been known to do. but, it is something that has to be triggered. i have been told that god does not make children like me and that i am evil. that only evil people think like i do. i do not purposely cause trouble. i try to stay out of every bodies way by isolating myself. even my own family admits that i was never wanted. many times my natural mother tried to kill me and yet here i am. to my father i was an ego trip mixed with a constant reminder of his past with my mother enveloping himself into a catch 22 situation leaving me to be nothing more than an obligation. even as i grew up i was abused in many different ways. the only thing that has not happened to me is actual death itself, but i have crossed over to the other side (near death experiences) i know i should be dead, but here i am. now that i am grown my family still disowns me and i could care less. it just makes me that much stronger. i did at the age of 14, 15 venture into the vampiric world and was even created at a ceromony, however just like every body else in my life they got tired of me, telling each other as they passed me from teacher to teacher that i was to smart for my own good and that i ask to many questions. that was by the time i was 16 1/2 years old, and my family and i had to move to another state and i lost contact with those people. then when i turned 17 i ran away from home and joined the carnival. thus began my other life. life of a string of abusive relationships again brinking death along with them. i had three children and i gave them up for adoption do to the fact that i had no help and it was just me. now, it's just me and i am finding out that old habits still remain. i still love the taste of blood and as a matter of fact it is an afrodeasiac (sorry i don't know how to spell that word) for me. i not only enjoy it, but i feel refreshed and renewed, revitalized if you will. i love the feeling i get from it. it is better than any sex. i also think that immortal love is nothing comapared to human love. it is so much more stronger and more in depth. because of the fact that i have more homicidal thoughts than suicidal and sometimes i'd rather just smack the crap out of some one than to deal with them i am considered bi polar. i am considered clinically crazy yet if you were someone who just sits down and talks with me as many therapists have said that there is nothing wrong with me. that i am a very lucid person with a great head on my shoulders. that they think that i may be one of the most intelligent people they have ever met and that they actually enjoy having conversations with me. in fact in all my therapy sessions we rarely ever talk about my past instead it is usually about a topic of recent matters. the news or hypothetical thinking. i love that. i love to learn, watch and observe. my natural mother as well practiced wiccan and pagan while pregnant with me and there have been things in my life that have happened that i cannot explain. i know i was born with certain gifts that i am very careful as to who i trust to know these things about me. i am third generation american. grandfather on my mother's side is half irish and half cherokee indian. both grandmothers are german, and my grandfather on my father's side is scottish. my children have even inherited these gifts. so, this was just a little inside to my world and i hope that it was not to much. i hope you enjoyed listening to my lifes story as i will some of yours. blessed be.