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It's another off day. But Angele and I get to move into our house this weekend. Still need to find work. Finelly made it to Caitliff. All I do is rate on this site and I jump right up to the next level. Probabily should think of cooler things to say when I rate, lol. Then maybe it might not take so long?

I got more chobits pictures for my computer! ~I love,... chobits...~. heehee.

I'm going to get a hold of myself.

I'll kick this depression, eventually.....

Josh isn't helping. He wants to, but he isn't. Too bad for him. I'm just not caring about anybody or anything at this point. Just not. I'm heading for a trainwreck, I can feel it. I hate feeling apathetic. Maybe.....? I always get this way without ritualization. That's what I need. I need to get back to routine. This should be interesting. lol.

I need to control myself....

I didn't want to do it, but I was craving so bad. I felt as though I were going through withdrawels. My friends tried to pour as much energy into me. So I got quite a bit of energy. But at the end of the night it was just me and one of my friends, and he started teasing me. He kept trying to cut himself to see how I would react to the blood. It didn't happen, but it drove my crazy until I just grabbed his arm and started biting. One thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. Or rather he had sex with me and I bit and scratched and tore at him. It was feeding frenzy, and got him so worked up, so here I am. That wasn't something I wanted to do. Not with him. I don't think of him like that. He thinks of me that way, but I don't. I let my feeding get out of control. Can't do that anymore

I hate my life today....

So that means I better do something about it. I learned a few valuable lessons. I'm messed up in the head, and I think too damn much. And I oversimplify. I don't feel I should ever have to explain myself, but no one thinks like I do, so they don't understand what I'm saying. It's so frusterating. Especially when people can be so literal. Everyone is closeminded. Openmindedness doesn't truly exist. We can all be openminded, but only about what we are willing to hear. Maybe I think too much for my own good.

Got to keep going, everday; that's what we say.

I've been having difficulty sleeping. I can't stay asleep and I'm not getting any rest from it. Just slowly stewing. It's a lot of shit to get over. I'd been with my ex for almost three years. That's a lot to let go. It's scary, to be walking these route. So easy to just slip back to were I was. A wave of fear washes over me and I just want to go and have him hold me and pretend this never happened. But I just keep walking, just keep going, because I can't go back. I don't deserve to put up with that shit. Just put one foot in front of the other.

I've got to get him out of my system. He pisses me off so bad. Never piss me off. At least now I can be more of who I am, not hide because of his stupid prejudice. At least I got payback. He cared more for the computer and material items then he did for me. But who bought the computer? So now he's SOL for his own damn behaviour. He's even got the nerve to say it wasn't all him. He's right in that, for I should have just walked away the first time. Dummy thinks he's so smart, some sort of badass, some sort of pimp. The truth is, he doesn't know half the shit he thinks he does; he won't listen to any body. Bastard even set me up. He just wanted to be able to mess around with anyone he could get his hands on. But he didn't want to leave me. Coward. Tried to cheat on me behind my back. Thank god I have friends who give a damn about me. He even tried to get Angele to go out with him the second I left the room after I broke up with him. The sleazeball. If she hadn't known and been friends so long with him she would have kicked him in the balls. He even told her he has a list of girls! What the hell is wrong with this guy? He has a girlfriend he's been with for three years and has all his friends envy because they'd all kill to get a chance to be with me and what does this SOB do? Keeps a list of other girls? He can go to Hell in a handbasket. I doubt no girl will seriously consider him. Except the naive ones. Angele was right, he is a Statutory Rape case just waiting to happen. He couldn't handle a real woman (or for what he really wants, but won't accept, a real man). He made me so sick being with him. I couldn't do the things that I do around him but I accepted some crappy things about him that I just couldn't handle. I couldn't stand these things about him, but I accepted them because cared. How does he repay me? He doesn't deserve what I can give. He's now alone and completely friendless now, as no one has an excuse to hang around him anymore now that I left him. But that was a lesson I needed to learn. Now I need to take it to heart and not do anything stupid. I need to get my together. Things will definitly be better for me now. Peace out.

So I'm finelly getting off my butt and taking charge. I finelly left my bf. Also found help for learing to control my abilities. I'm learning more about who I am, and I am grateful to my friends for how helpful they have been to me. I can finelly learn the answers to the questions I didn't know how to ask. it's about time i left that mess called now officially me ex. He makes me so mad, he messed me up royally. He was starving me. I got to be around people! I've got to have a way of sustaining myself. I can't do that with him holding me down. I can't take care of him. I can't drag him up with me.

I got to practice some more with my boken and a friend's new sword. I guess I'm developing a sidewinder technique of how I wield a sword. I'd like to do more in learning the kitana and this other type of sword. I look forward to getting better, though.

I finally got my hair cut today! So my hair doesn't look so bad anymore. Maybe I should just stick to growing it out again after this. lol. That's a joke. Guess I should just keep talking myself into picking myself up some more until I get around to actually doing it, uh? Should I just do what I think I should be doing? Why do I make it seem so much harder than it is? Because I'm an idiot I guess. Haven't seen Josh or Angel in a while. Wonder what they're up to? Think I need to do more research on some things I guess. I'd rather have a discussion with anybody willing to talk to me. I find it so much easier to learn that way. That's all I want to say today. Guess I should just put something constructive on here from now on.

It's a new day, a new beginning. Time to again ask myself the same question. What do I want in Life? Asking is the first step. But I'm growing tired of asking. When will I start doing? When I'm really ready to stop asking and start doing would be the answer, now wouldn't it? Never ask a question you really don't want to know the answer to. That would be my problem. The answer is not what I want to do. It's what I need to do. How much of a push do I really need to give myself before I go for it? Why am I really scared to go for it? Because it would mean leaving my comfort zone. Everything you need is always right there in front of you. It's only a matter of reaching out and taking hold of it. Well at least I have a place to lash out at myself on where others can laugh at my ridiculousness, too.