The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I went into DMACC today to see the counselor there to help me figure out what I need/need to do and then do it. She had me go online to take some career assessment tests and I'm going in around noon tomorrow to take the ACT. After that I have another appoiontment with her at 2 so I can get it all figured out. I'm a little excited/nervous. I'm FINALLY taking this step. This is also going to help with the long-term stuff I want to do.

Another decent length journal entry is due for this afternoon.

I feel like my brains have been scrambled around a little.

For the first time in my life I feel like I've failed. I've always taken the stand that as long as you try you can't fail, you may not succeed but you won't fail. In this particular thing I did try but I still feel as though I failed......

If I won't let go will you accept that? If I continue to try will you mind? If I told you that you are the "Only One" from my poem would that bother you? If I said I love you what would you say or think?

How can I put it into words so that you can truly understand? There's NOTHING that can make me not want to be there for you. That doesn't even quite cover it.

I've been trying to figure out exactly why I tend to get along with girls better than guys. I really don't see a reason. It's a little frustrating, it's hard to have "guy talk" with girls.

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ladyakkera
05:29 Feb 01 2008

Ive found I get along better with guys than girls. Its easier for me to talk to guys.

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*crosses fingers*

So, tomorrow I have an interview anytime between 8 and 11 a.m. and then I have an appointment with a college counselor at 2 p.m. The interview is for a management position at a Target in southern Des Moines. I am going to see the college counselor to see what all I need to do to get started and what not. I'm looking at a couple different options. I might go in for business administration, that would make opportunities for several different careers as well as assist me in getting my business. The other option I'm thinking about is going in for some sort of writing degree. For the second option I'm leaning strongly toward something that will allow me to become a teacher, this would give me a good career opportunity, as well as allow and help me to pursue my writing. SO, here's to tomorrow! *raises Cherry Coke in a toast and drinks*

*sighs*

Have you ever second guessed a decision you've made? Ok, I asked her out on a date. She said yes and I was looking forward to it. Then something happened and we had to cancel it. Now I'm wondering if I should... *sighs* She was apparently pretty heartbroke when I broke up with her back when. I think I should just be patient and see how things go. Still, I've got this feeling that I can't explain.

I've been trying to find some old friends, I've been semi-successful.

When I was thirteen my mother decided to uproot us from our hometown and move to southern IA, this wasn't a problem but it did start a downward slope. Once there my mother started dating a guy who had a serious alcohol problem. This man was the kind of guy that my mother was pretending that the husband she had just made an ex to be. He was a heavy drinker, abusive to her, and he treated us kids like shit. He was not totally useless though. It was because of this man that I started learning to control my temper, I now have more control over it than I ever thought possible. The next man she dated wasn't much better. At age 14 I began doing little odd jobs around town, all of it was manual labor. I had to do this in order to help pay bills because my mother was working less and less and therefore putting us more and more at risk of getting evicted and totally screwed. At 15 I got my first real job, it was just doing dishes at a restaurant but it was a steady paycheck and it offered about 32 hours a week so I didn't complain. Unfortunately the boss and I just didn't get along. Being young and having little patience I quit. Shortly after that I became a sub-contractor as a janitor. It wasn't the most wonderful work in the world but it paid. Not too long after that I began working at a grocery store. I continued working as a janitor. I didn't work quite fast enough for the taste of the store manager so they started giving my hours to people who could. I can't blame them, I didn't meet their needs. I worked there for a year when I was offered a job at Pamida. It was better hours. I worked at Pamida for a year, they gave me two raises during that time, one was against policy. During that whole time I was working as a janitor and doing various odd jobs. On top of that I was managing to get A after A in school and was one credit short of graduating in my sophmore year. Alas they wouldn't allow me to graduate until midterm of my senior year. During this time my mother had become a Jehova's Witness, this was causing problems for me so the first chance I got I moved out. The first chance that came up was my father. I moved in with him and finished up my schooling in a little over a month. Soon after moving in with him I seriously injured my knee, this unfortunately prevented me from performing the job I was working at the time. I needed time to heal and they weren't willing to grant it, so I didn't keep that job. From there I went to work at McDonald's, anyone who ever has can tell you it sucked. That one was particularly unpleasant due to one of the supervisors. While working at McDonald's I was offered a job at an ink factory, I took it since it paid 12.33 an hour with guaranteed overtime. Well, this job didn't work partly because of me and partly because of the situation within the factory. One week after leaving there I went back to McDonald's. I worked there until I was once again offered a better job, I took it happily. Once again it didn't work out because my car brokedown and I couldn't afford to fix it. Then I got a job at DQ, it seemed alright at first. I quickly got a couple raises and I was happy. Then I got screwed over, I was promised a promotion that I didn't get. They gave it to someone who had experience in that position. I was a little frustrated but I got over it. At this time I was doing the job of an assistant manager and I wasn't being paid for all that I was doing, oh well. I can't say it didn't bother me, I was there more than any of the managers and the only one willing to do what was necessary to get work done. Unfortunately the manager was more worried with being a buddy to the employees so eventually it was doing no good. I was going in on my days off, going in early, staying late, and doing my work plus many other peoples. One night I aggrevated the injury to my knee and so I called in. After all that I had been doing for them I felt I deserved that much in return, I met with opposition. I got into an argument with the manager and I foolishly quit. I must admit it was a little immature of me but I was immature. I hadn't had the chance to grow up for real because I'd been putting to much effor into pretending to be grown up so long. I was stuck in between teenager and adult as a result. I don't deny that I alone am responsible for my actions though. After DQ I went to work for Casey's. I loved that job and I was well taken care of there. Then something came up and I thought I was moving so I turned in my two weeks. By the time I realized I wasn't moving they had already hired two people to take my place. So I got a job at Hy-Vee, after a couple weeks there my father got evicted. Since I was renting from him that meant I was being evicted too. So I went into the army. Technically I never should have been able to because of my knee but... While there I had all the same doubts and second thoughts as anyone. Then they found out about my knee so they gave me the boot. Since I got back to Iowa I have been searching for a job but I haven't been lucky. It's a bad time of year for job hunting and the job market in the area I'm living sucks. I've recently started job hunting in the Des Moines area.



I have a couple goals for myself that I've been trying to figure out how best to achieve but I haven't quite got it yet. So, judge me if you want, that's your right. I have made some bad choices due to a certain level of immaturity but I have learned from them adn I know that I can't keep doing the way I have in the past if I'm to meet my goals. I am more mature for real now than I ever have been.

Well, the date is cancelled. I don't care to go into detail on here.

Simple sexy, simple hot, simple cute... simple. not extravegant or fancy. I don't mind elegant, but SIMPLE.

Well, I have a date tomorrow night. I'm picking her up at 7:30 and we're going to see Sweeney Todd.

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SinginGhost88
06:21 Jan 29 2008

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :P

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So I went down to se dm today and put in some applications. Still lookin' for a job obviously. If I get one down there I know that there are some really REALLY cheap apartments.

I think I am gonna chill outside for a bit after I eat.

Holy shit it's fuckin' beautiful out! I would love to sit outside just listening to music and chillin. It's days like these that remind me why I love Iowa.



On a side note, I just heard a song by a band called Sixx:A.M. I fuckin' love it. There's the one line from the refrain that keeps running through my mind "Life is beautiful".



Ok, I was expecting "personal conflict" but I wasn't expecting this. I thought I was going to have trouble with some relative or something like that, but not this. *sighs* Ah well, I guess I'll just have to work it out.

I feel like some McDonald's. ???

Have you ever done something that at the time seemed like the right thing but in hindsight it seems both like the right thing and the wrong thing? How can something be both right and wrong?

Torn, that's the only word for it. I feel so stupid now too. I had worked to forget, I denied it to myself. Recent thoughts seem foolish now.

No, I really haven't. I have reached the point where the only reason for living was to live. It sucks. Not that my life was that bad, sometimes you run out of reasons anyway. I'm over that now though.

This word has been crossing my mind too often lately. This particular why is a new one for me though.



I have wanted it my whole life. Even when I was a child. It's odd. Why? I mean, if it were something new I might know the answer. It isn't though, it's just more pronounced.... (gets lost in thought)

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SinginGhost88
04:11 Jan 29 2008

You need to stop with the open ended sentences and the vague ideas...say it already...!!!

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Half thought thoughts are very obnoxious... especially when in the form of poetry...

I have this odd feeling... I don't think it's mine but I don't know where it would be coming from...

A friend is supposed to be there for their friends. A friend is supposed to comfort them when they're down, stand up for them when someone's messing with them, and destroy those who would hurt them. At least that's the kind of friend I am. I care about those I call myself a friend of. You see, I hold my friends close as most would family. But... damn it... I know.

gaahhrrrrmufkersubicosker.... *sighs*

Damn it... I had a thought and now it's gone... grrr....

[Verse 1]



I never felt nothing in the world like this before

Now I'm missing you

& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door

Why did you have to go? You could have let me know

So now I'm all alone,

Girl you could have stayed

but you wouldnt give me a chance

With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand

And all my tears they keep running down my face

Why did you turn away?



[Bridge]



So why does your pride make you run and hide?

Are you that afraid of me?

But I know it's a lie what you keep inside

This is not how you wanted to be



[Chorus]



So baby I will wait for you

Cause I don''t know what else i can do

Don't tell me I ran out of time

If it takes the rest of my life



Baby I will wait for you

If you think I'm fine it just aint true

I really need you in my life

No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you



[Verse 2]



It's been a long time since you called me

(How could you forget about me)

You got me feeling crazy (crazy)

How can you walk away,

Everything stays the same

I just can't do it baby

What will it take to make you come back

Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that

Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me

Don't leave me crying.



[Bridge]



Baby why can't we just start over again

Get it back to the way it was

If you give me a chance I can love you right

But your telling me it wont be enough



[Chorus]



So baby I will wait for you

Cause I don''t know what else i can do

Don't tell me I ran out of time

If it takes the rest of my life



Baby I will wait for you

If you think I'm fine it just aint true

I really need you in my life

No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you



[Bridge]



So why does you pride make you run & hide

Are you that afriad of me?

But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside

Thats not how you wanted to be



Baby I will wait for you

Baby I will wait for you

If it's the last thing i do



[Chorus]



Baby I will wait for you

Cause I don''t know what else i can do

Don't tell me I ran out of time

If it takes the rest of my life



Baby I will wait for you

If you think I'm fine it just aint true

I really need you in my life

No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you



I'll Be Waiting.

I was looking at my journal and the top entry (the one that's just below this one now) said it had been read 5 times and then I changed the page by accident so I immediately switched back and it said 10 times. This isn't relevant but it caught my attention so... lol.

I need to explore my sexuality a bit. I don't mean as in bi/straight.gay, I mean as in my fetishes. I've been in the dominant role, I liked it but I think I should experience the opposite too.

I finally feel ready for sleep. Off to bed now

I thought about going to sleep. As soon as I did I realized that I most certainly didn't want to. I would rather be doing something, working toward my goal... *sighs*

Since the heart exists in shadows nobody knows you better than your own shadow. So how much can you hide from those who see from shadows? So often people attempt to hide things in the deepest part of the shadows so that they do not see it. Yet the shadows see it and so it is layed before those with view of the shadows. So those seeing withing them often know things of people that they don't.

... sometimes I wish it would stop....

I've decided not to let myself be distracted anymore. I hadn't even realized I was. I will be more vigilant. How dare I let myself lose even the slightest bit of my focus?! I know why I'm doing what I'm doing and I know why it's so important to me.

Something was different... No, it was the same. It was both, I've tried hard all day to figure it out... It hit me so suddenly, I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it sooner. It was gone, almost all of it...gone. I don't know what caused it. I feel almost as emotionally neutral as I used to. There are some exceptions but I don't feel overwhelmed now. Even though I was pretty focused before I am clearer now.

I did some job hunting in the Waukee area... ehh. I realize now that it's a little pointless. Say I get a job there, then what? Where would I live until I got my own place? Certainly not here, I couldn't afford to save up and make that trip daily... *sighs* I couldn't ask my borther to stay with him either. Independence is something I'm having difficulty achieving, finances are interfering. I have to say that some of it is due to some less than great decisions on my part. So where does that leave me then? Right here still stuck in the Boone/Ames area for now. That kinda sucks too. I was at a store I used to work at today and ran into one of my old supervisors there, they actually asked me if I could come back... Damn it! The Hot Topic there was interested in me... Maybe I should apply at the one in Ames?

Once upon a time it wasn't uncommon for a person to dedicate their life for one person, to devote their entire existence to the good of that person... They were men of honor and loyalty then. I should have been born in those times....

The goals I have for my life will take a lot of money and I won't be happy with my life if I don't achieve some of them. So then in that sense doesn't money bring happiness?

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Swanne
23:30 Jan 24 2008

No.

Money on it's own cannot bring you happiness. The money will create an opportunity for you to acheive your goal, as you said. It is the Goal that is making you happy, not the money.

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placidchaos
23:34 Jan 24 2008

Yes, that is true.

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if only a mind were like a room...

It's funny how just saying it to someone and not just putting it in a hournal helps. *isghs* she's right, I need to learn to handle my emotions better.

Sometimes I have to wonder, am I intentionally trying to make things harder for myself?

I've been thinking that a lot lately. *sighs* I could probably stop if I could just get my head straight. No, I don't think that's right... I dunno. Damn it.

I don't want to, I'm just not ready. I guess I'll hold on a while longer.

I have been analyzing things, I had thought that it was my irrational decisions that had put me in the position I'm in slowly but surely. I have now come to the conclusion that I was wrong. It has been my second guessing those decisions and then going against them that has been the problem. I need to find a balance. I think I need to make one more irrational decision though, maybe, I need to think.

Me: Hi my name is Jason, I was just calling to double check on the status of my application.



HR Lady: I saw that your application went through but the management is all in Omaha at meetings. They won't be back until monday so we really can't do any hiring until next week.



Me: Oh, ok then, thank you.



HR Lady: No problem, bye.



Me: Yep, talk to you later.



HR Lady: You know, I'll tell them you called.





being obnoxiously determined just might pay off.

The place that I was looking at the overnight postion with decided to fill the position from within, now the fuckers don't have any ft positions. Damn it.

I wish I could design the world. It would be dark and beautiful, you can't even imagine. I will design a world for myself, when I have my own personal place I will make it like the world I envision.

I so long to PLAY music and not just listen to it.

This site has really lost my interest. I find nothing in the forum that catches it and I really don't feel any desire to make friends here because I'm sure that any new friends here would only be online. So why do I stay? For some reason I can't bring myself to quit. It's not just this site though, it's the online world in general. I want real people in real life. I somewhat dread that idea though because I know that having real life friends means making time for other people and for reasons unknown to me I don't like that thought, just thinking about it makes me feel a little bit like someone invaded my personal space. Ridiculous.

All Around Me by Flyleaf



I have yet to hear a song by Flyleaf that I don't love. I think I'm gonna have to buy a cd.

Why?... Why the fuck not?! Mother fuck!

Fall The Legions by Galt Aureus... I love it.

I've gone to a couple clubs around here just to check them out, never did more than that though. I wouldn't mind dancing but... I dunno, I think I need to go with someone who can help get me out there, break me out of my shell. *sighs*

I'm so horny I've taken to looking at nudy pics online while I masturbate. *sighs*

Another thing on my to do list. I started research for a business plan for the business I plan on having and then I just stopped. I need to get on with it again. Maybe I should lay out all of my plans for myself? Not here of course but somewhere I can keep track of them and set things up that need set up. Basically I think I should put it in writing so that I can clear my mind to make arranging everything easier.

I got my lip re-pierced! It hurt more this time, odd. I may have a job at the Hy-Vee in Ames, they're hiring for an overnight cashier. That's awesome since I'm looking for an overnight job and I have experience as a cashier.

why? Don't think about anything specific when you ask this, just ask it and see what the first thing is that comes to mind.

I hate writer's block.



This afternoon I'm going over to ames to do a bit of job hunting there. If I can find a job there then I'll look for a place there too. I might get my lip pierced while I'm at it. I'm trying to decide how much money I should/need to save up to move and not screw myself. I'm still debating just taking off when I get my tax return, that wouldn't be very responsible though. I've been thinking over what all I need to make the life I picture for myself, it'll take years to fully accomplish. That's time I'm willing to dedicate, I really don't have a choice unless I suddenly become really rich. I still intend to own my own club/bar someday. The question is when. I have a clearer view of my future than I ever have. I've finally stopped wondering "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I see what I want to and will be. I also see some of the people that I want to be in my life at that time. I know I want my brother to be there, of course I want Christina there, there's an old friend by the name of Jennifer, and there are people who have yet to be added. There's a couple who I was surprised to think I'd like them there, not that I wasn't friends with them, it's because I wasn't THAT close with them and I haven't seen them in quite some time. Their names are Brian and Heather. I picture myself living in a medium to big house, everybody lives nearby (I actually had a dream about this and all the people listed plus a few more lived in my house and it was quite large), I picture myself having a child but I don't know if I'm married or what. I don't know if this will ever be quite like that, but that's what I picture. When I picture that everyone is happy. I see myself doing well enough that I can provide for those I am close to if I wanted. I know what you're thinking, but oh well. It's my "dream" and I'm going to make it come true to the best of my ability, I know it will take time but it's worth it.

I just remembered I lost my cell phone, I suppose I should try to find it. lol

I really need to quit thinking in such a disconnectedly random way.... Actually, chaotic would be the best way to describe it.

Hmm, I've been doing some thinking and I'm hung up on this. What do you call it when you have a goal that is neither selfless nor for yourself? I have some things in my life that I wish to achieve that are not for me but are far from being selfless. What do you call that?......

Damn my indecisiveness. How can I make an important life decision when I take over an hour to decide whether I want to go for a walk. *sighs* Damn it. This is just another time when I'm going to just have to do something without actually deciding. What a contradiction.

There are so many things I could/want/feel like saying/doing. *sighs* I won't accomplish anything here in Boone, I kinda knew that but I thought that there were some things that had to be done here. No, Boone is a trap that I have to leave or be stuck in for quite some time. Decisions... I have my goals, how do I best achieve them?

I feel the need to, well, I can't describe it any better than this: I want to help people, not just those I call my friends and family either. This is new for me.

Ok, so the time table for my plans have been reset. I won't be going on with them in the beginning of February as I said, instead I'm going to hold off. I am going to save up a lot of money first and their are some other things I need to do. I had a dream the other night that made me realize that to truly achieve my goals I need to find a career. I need to do something where I can actually make a living and afford to buy a house. I won't be satisfied renting my whole life and when I buy I want to buy something decent. So I'm thinking about college. I have thought about it in the past but I always decided against it, I never felt as if I could stick to it. Now I think I'll be able to do it. That still leaves some decisions to be made.

I have been looking back, looking at the present, and looking forward. Last year was about learning, growing, and experience. I have changed so much and yet so little. I learned how to feel, that's the main change. I have struggled hard to find a balance that seemed out of my reach, it finally seems to have settled upon me now. I allowed my emotions and desires to get in the way of rationality and common sense. I caused bad where I meant good as a result. I still don't know what I all I want fof my future. The things I do know that I want I am going to work toward. The future is in my hands. I see what I need to do and I am going to do it. This is going to be a year of hard work and I believe there will be more discovery, learning, and growth on my part. I look forward to this year as I never have another. There are many paths ahead for me to choose that go different directions but they all merge into one after a while. I don't know what exactly is ahead but I intend to keep moving forward anyway. As I take the first steps I feel a sense of both loss and gain. I finally feel ready to live this life.

That's what it is. I no longer seem to be able to muster words to describe things properly because I've never felt this much in anything but anger. I seem to have been freed emotionally in a way I didn't think I ever would be. I owe it all to you my friend! I've been told that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that, but I do think that sometimes someone/thing gives us a helpful push.



I feel.. happy. Once upon a time I never would have said this, then once I started there was only one thing that caused it. Now, I can't say why I feel happy.

*sighs* I need to get laid.

Huh, this is a weird feeling. I felt momentarily crushed. Now I just feel, yeah, maybe things are right. A strange acceptance has swept over me and I feel like I can truly be her friend. It feels almost as if we were never more than friends. My feelings for her have not changed, I just, I can't explain it. I still feel that little bit of jealousy, that's natural. It's not the same as though, he's got what I want but it's alright because she's my friend.



I've decided to move forward with my plan. Just in a different way.

*sighs*

So, I have things figured out, well, mostly. I had plans that are still going to happen, the problem is what do I do until then? Should I stay where I'm at until it comes time to do what I plan to do? Probably. I'm getting kinda annoyed, people keep trying to shove their advice down my throat and make me use it. I don't need it or want it. Not that I don't appreciate it, but they're being too pushy. Ah well. I can't wait 'til the time comes for my plans to take affect! Just a couple weeks.





Music: Stricken by Disturbed

I really want to do something to change my profile, but I don't know what.







Not totally unrelated... Expression, that's what I need. Real expression, not just vomiting words onto paper or in my journal. I used to be able to express myself this way, I'm not quite so able anymore. I don't just mean emotional expression either, I am also referring to expressing the art that is piling up in my head. I'm wondering if that isn't part of the problem too. Perhaps all this unexpressed creativity is becoming cancerous?

I just realized how truly guilty I am of this. *shakes head* I think I need to keep a better watch on me and not let me do it so much. *smacks self upside head* Dumb ass. Escapsim isn't necessarily bad, only when it's abused.

I'm starting to get a little frustrated with myself, it feels like there's something in my head I need to get out that I'm not. The problem is that I have no idea what it is! *sighs* I think I should stop writing all these journal entries seperately.

I have a chance, I will take that chance. Nothing will stop me. I will NOT let anything in my way! Not even me!



I find it interesting that I lose my will power and so write about it and thereby fortify my determination. For some reason expressing it only makes me more obstinate about it all. The more I give up the more I struggle on. lol, It kinda reminds me of when somebody tells me to give up because I can't succeed, what happen then is the same as what's happening now. *sighs and chuckles* So basically because of the way I am I can never actually give up even if I decided I wanted to, I won't let me. I never will really want to though. Sometimes ya just gotta love the way my duality works.



On a side note, I just read over a journal entry I put in the other day... *shakes head* I guess that's what I get for just typing and not paying attention to WHAT I'm typing.

*sighs* My boss called me this morning to ask me not to come in to work. At the time she called me they hadn't even had ONE customer.



On a completely unrelated note. I'm not used to feeling this much emotion. For whatever reason I have never had this much. Maybe it was a result of me trying to maintain control, maybe at some point I just stopped givin' a shit and never realized that I actually didn't care. I don't know, but I don't think I've coped with it as well as I should have though. Once I managed to get it ALL out on paper or in here, not just bits but all of it, I look back at it now and shake my head. Overboard, that's the only way to describe some of it.



I have learned a lot over the last year, and changed quite a bit too. I look at my life and I feel a degree of resentment. If things had been done different when I was growing up I wouldn't have the problems I do now. I realize that there has been a lot of choice on my part, but I still hold that I was not given all the necessary skills as a child. Oh well, I have gained much now and life moves on. Life always moves on... Oh no, ok, I'm gonna stop typing before I go into another long and bizarre thought process.

Damn it, I have a thought but I can't get it out properly.

Stayin' at a friend's house again, for now anyway. I have another place lined up but I can't move in yet. Funny, I had actually lined this place up a couple days before this happened. I see too much coincidence in all this. Ah well. Won't be too long that I'm where I am. Looking forward to it. I am only scheduled 6 hours at work this week...what the fuck? I know it's only a part time job but... 6? It's just fucked up. Asi es la vida.Well, I really don't have much else to say at the moment. Lata.

Online job hunting seems pretty pointless. Almost all the jobs listed are bullshit. Guess I'll just have to wait.

I got evicted! Hurray! lol I know, not something people are usually happy about. I hadn't read my lease carefully enough when I signed and didn't realize until too late that it really trapped me. I had found a place I wanted to move to though so I wasn't too happy about that. I got evicted though so no worries! I can move anywhere I want! Although, I'm not happy about how the bastards did it. Thieving fuckers.

Something happened today that I definitely did not expect. For the first time since I was a small child I felt fear. You see, fear is not the same for me as it is for others. Where they feel panic and/or terror I might feel nervous. It’s just like I am with pain, what is agony for most is often a minor nuisance for me. I think my lack of fear is directly connected to my experience of pain. I think that’s also more than likely the reason I do not fear death. You see, most and probably all fear is because of pain. Take literature for example, in most when a character knows they’re about to die the first think to their mind is: “Does (or will) it hurt?” So because I experience pain as I do I don’t fear it, since I do not fear pain I do not fear death or it’s other causes. This is also somewhat why the death of others doesn’t seem to bother me. Take my brother as an example. I love him dearly and would fight and kill for his survival. However, were he to die tomorrow I would feel no pain at his passing. Depending on the circumstances I might get pissed off. Otherwise my feeling of his death would be no different than I feel about him now. I love him and want him around, but he isn’t and that’s life. Oh well. I know this sounds callous, but it’s really not. I have had this view since I was very young, death just doesn’t sadden me and that’s where the pain of someone’s death comes from. So then what of this fear? Where does this fit into it?



The thing is, this last year I have come to know two emotions that were strangers to me. The first was happiness, the second was love. Not the love I feel for those I consider family. No, this was something different and far more intense. It was akin to the crushes I used to get on girls in school but so far beyond them that they could never really compare. Then it brought me something else. It brought me a new pain, one I felt in a way I never felt any other. For nobody in this world would I cry over but Her. It would be a combination of selfish and selfless mourning. I realize that even if I could not feel the new pain I still would, well, dread the idea of that. That is where the selfless mourning would fit in.



Here lately I have had a couple nightmares of just such a thing. Then to my horror she wrote two journal entries that, when combined with the memory of those nightmares, mad me think the worst. What if there was something wrong with her that she hadn’t told me? What if she had reached the point where she was going to do something stupid? My heart clenched and it became filled with intense fear. So I called her. I don’t know if she noticed but my voice was shaking when I said hi. When it became clear that she was ok I had to literally choke back tears of relief, my voice broke from it a few times. *sighs and chuckles depreciatively* I hope I NEVER have to feel that again! Certainly feels good to get it off my chest. *chuckles again and shakes head at self* And now that it’s gone I feel unreasonably affronted as though it were her fault or she’d done it on purpose! How dare she! lol

Well, I suppose I should go now, times almost up. I'll be back on this afternoon though.

Jason looked down at some of the recent lyrics he’d written with mild disdain. He didn’t seem to have it in him to write what was there, so he had tried a few times to force it. He sighed, he was just too unhappy. Not that he hadn’t been unhappy almost his whole life but it was different now. The unhappiness had changed form. It was heartache. Not break but ache. He could at least have channeled heartbreak into something, though depressing it would at least be decent. Heartache on the other hand… It was like his passion was gone. Only to be expected, his heart was like a pond that had become stagnant. Damned nuisance it was, a year ago today he’d not have had THIS much difficulty. Then again, a year ago today he hadn’t met Her yet. In just a month or two would mark the first time they’d ever talked. Of course he didn’t have a clue what would come, even had he known Jason doubted that he would have done differently. He sighed again. No, he would still have proceeded forward. You see, it was just short of a year since they first spoke. Nothing glorious, romantic, nor even the slightest bit beyond two strangers meeting.



Jason had joined a website for like-minded people. He still wasn’t even sure why he had originally bothered. He hadn’t been, and still wasn’t, very socially outgoing. It wasn’t that he was antisocial, he just always felt as though he were a black and white cartoon character plopped in amongst people of reality. That was about the best he could describe it. Then while browsing the site he came upon a profile of a girl who he automatically felt a desire to befriend. He didn’t know why, perhaps it was nothing more than the face that she had overtly challenged people to even try becoming her friend. He had taken the challenge and succeeded. Very quickly he felt an unexpected closeness to Morphinedream, that was the name she had chosen and it always seemed a sad name to him. It was something of a shock to him to have discovered an actual friend here, just as much because it was online as because he hadn’t had any friends for a couple years. It was a good feeling. Perhaps that is why he was so eager to respond to a girl that messaged him about (if he remembered correctly) a month or two later. She called Herself SinginGhost88 (for some reason this always put him in mind of a siren/banshee cross…?).



Jason had been across Her profile before and had considered saying something to Her, for some reason he didn’t though. Then She sent him a message instead and he replied. They had a short conversation once or twice and the next thing he knew the were conversing extensively, more than he did with anyone else. He decided to add Her to his friends’ list, something that he rarely did. Over the next while Jason continued to talk to both of his friends. He didn’t know what, but there was something with SinginGhost88 that made him want to talk to Her even when he didn’t even want to talk. After a bit Morphinedream disappeared for reasons of her own, this only made him enjoy talking to SinginGhost88 more. There was still that indefinable quality to make him want to talk to Her no matter how anti-talkative he was.



Sitting there talking to Her on night, Jason caught himself smiling. He might not have noticed if his face hadn’t become sore from it, this was because he DIDN’T smile. Suddenly it came to him: She made Jason happy! That’s why he loved talking to Her so much, not to mention that the conversation itself was enjoyable. Then a thought occurred to him, “Why does She make me happy?” Nothing else managed to. In fact, he couldn’t remember ever having actually been HAPPY. Sure he’d been amused, entertained, and even humored; but never happy…



These thoughts bothered him a little, Jason wasn’t such a fool that he didn’t know the meaning. He denied it none the less. He withdrew himself from Her company, he made excuses as to why. Actually, the excuses made themselves, he merely used them. It was idiotic really. It wasn’t like he was afraid, he was still unwilling to admit it to himself though. To this day the why is beyond him. In keeping with his denial, he got back with an ex that came around with the obvious desire to do just that.



Jason quickly realized it was a mistake. He almost immediately decided it wouldn’t work, the problems he couldn’t name before were very obvious to him now. It was because of Her that this was so, and so he was forced to admit the truth.



He began finding time to be online when She was. The online friendship resumed and the conversations became longer and more frequent than ever. Jason hadn’t realized just how much he had missed talking to her. Now their conversations took on a subtle undercurrent. He kept making hints and what not about his growing feelings for Her. She seemed oblivious so he took to a much less subtle form of hinting. She STILL didn’t’ seem to notice.



Finally, she prodded it out of him. As it turned out, she had noticed the hints but decided she was reading too much in his words and thought he must be talking about a different girl. To his great joy, She said She had the same feelings.



Oh how HAPPY She made him! It seemed like things would only get better. Then life stepped in to frustrate them and the plans they had begun to make. After a while the essentially broke up. It was too late for Jason though, he was deeply in love with her by this point. At first he reacted little badly. He found out then that there was actually some pain he couldn’t master. It was still only pain, it was not hurt. No, he spoke truth when he told Her she couldn’t hurt him unless She tried. Pain and hurt weren’t the same to him, and this was pain.



Now he looked at a fresh set of lyrics he had managed to write. These weren’t bad, certainly better than the last. He had learned to subdue the pain even if he couldn’t master it. Subduing was enough though. Looking over the lyrics he thought that they might offend Her a little. He certainly hoped not, he needed to get them out.



After it had all settled in him he realized it was merely a reprieve that would end. The love he felt would always be, She would never truly know just how much she really meant to him. He thought to himself, “And what is a little sacrifice so that you can devote your life to the one you love?” That was why he was about to do what it was he was about to do. He hadn’t told her of course, he had decided it best to wait ‘til later. He considered whether he ought to just tell her now, or an even better idea was to let her decide. Yes, that was it! If She wanted to know now She would, if She wanted to wait than he would tell her when She was ready. This wasn’t the kind of conversation to be typed though.

I almost forgot that I had to go to the court house this morning for two traffic tickets that were due today. Only almost thankfully. They gave me until april 4 to pay them. *sighs with relief*

I've decided I really don't like doctors, which just adds to the general dislike of the medical profession for the way it is. It seems like almost all the doctors I see are ass wholes. At first they put on a caring and kindly face, then they let it drop for a pompous and self-centered one, giving a true look at them. Well, I have another appointment at 8:30 a.m. This time I go to see a surgeon to get things set up. *sighs* After almost 21 years I'm finally gonna be getting my first surgery. *twirls finger in the air sarcastically* yay... Anyway, I guess that's enough whining for now. I just had to get it out, I was so happy that having some unpleasant emotion thrust itself through my excited euphoria only served to piss me off more than I was. Well, lata.

To tell or not to tell, actually, to tell now or wait? well, I can't right NOW since I'm out of time, but I could sometime sooner than I'm thinking. hmm....?

I find it amusing how selfish I can be/feel sometimes. I usually don't express it outwardly though since I recognize it for what it is. Still... *shakes head*

Well, doc appointment at 2:20 today. I'm gonna have him take a look at my knee so that I can hopefully get it fixed. There's a chance that I could get the surgery done free or at least damn cheap if I act while I've got the chance.

... and it kinda looks like a giant bouncy ball. lmao If you couldn't tell, I'm in a really good mood. Naturally, that makes me more of a smart ass.

Part 1: 35% complete

Part 2: 75% complete- Jan 14 update: 99% complete

Part 3: 0% complete





Total Plan completed: 50%- Jan 14 update: 60% completed



Next update- TBD

Well, here's the deal. I have enough to get at least that much set up so that it's ready for when I'm ready. I'm not sure if I should go ahead and do that though. What to do what to do. I wish I could bounce this off of someone else but I can't. It would take $300 to reserve it and that would leave me with about $110 if I do. The problem is, I still don't know the exact date yet and once I do this there is no turning back. What if it ends up taking an extra week or so? What would I do until then? Well, I have an idea on that one but I wouldn't be able to be certain until I got right up to that point. Hmmm, perhaps I should just do it? I'm fairly certain it won't take longer than the first week of February and that's prolly all the longer I have anyway due to events. I... I think I shall.

Ahh, drifting is soo much fun!

Well, time for me to log off. I'll be back on in anywhere from a half hour to a few hours.

It looks like that's when I will be able to achieve what I'm working on, in the first week or two. Gotta love things coming up unexpectedly that are in my favor.

It is NOT on my side. It is NOT something to spend as yet. It is NOT something to be idly passed. It IS something to be endured. It IS something I must use wisely. It IS something to be worked through with my sweat and perhaps my blood. Pain, endurance, and hard work are needed to achieve what I must. I'll be damned if anything will get in my way! The only obstacles between me and what I want are me and time. I will be determined, I will persevere, I will succeed!





Music: Comatose by Skillet, Forget to Remember by Mudvayne, Carry on Dancing by Savage Garden.

You damn mother fucker! (string of unintelligible vents of frustration, indignation, and insults) *sighs*

Damn, I guess I need to fix that. The post I was intending to put in has to wait til tomorrow.

Today the director of operations for the store I just started working at came in, she runs a few different stores. I was pretty pleased with myself when she made it clear that she was impressed with me. Then later she was telling my manager that she needs an assisstant manager at one store and possibly a manager at another. I of course went ahead and put my name up there for consideration, she's actually considering it. OH yeeaaahhh!

I've got an entry comin' that I've wanted to post for a while. I don't have enough time right now so it'll be her this afternoon after work.

There are things I wanna post in here but I don't want them read by anybody, if I had a premium account I could set them to private. I don't have one though. I remember having things I wanted put into writing that I wanted kept private, well, it was between me and a friend of mine. In order to do that we actually made our own alphabet. It's just that writing it on pater doesn't quite do it, I don't know what it is about this journal that makes it feel so much better to put stuff in here instead. Some things aren't meant to be seen by others though, some not at all and others at least not until I'm ready for people to. *()&^*^)*(&^(_^*)^**^*(*()(& sorry, venting. I should go get something to eat. Well, until tomorrow then.

Damn the libray and it's rule of only 2 hours and 15 min in between!

It wasn't bad, definitely NOT the hardest job I've ever had. Plus, I get a free 6" sub everyday I work, rock on. I saw something today, it fits pretty well what I have wanted/still want to do.

I was going to write something in here, something that frustrated me. Now I can't, suddenly none my problems matter to me and they just seem ridiculous.

Well, I start my new job on Wednesday. I'll be working at Subway. *sighs* It could be much worse, I'll have to get a second job.

Well, not doin' much today. I have an interview at 2:30 and after that..? I dunno. I tried to call last night but there was no answer. I've decided to start keep in a written journal, I've done entries here and there in the past but I've decided to actually keep a steady journal. This is something I've thought about and wanted to do for sometime I just never have, no clue why not. It occurred to me too that anything I want to put in it that I want to keep private I don't have to worry about people reading. Actually, I do know my original reason for not keeping one. This is the first time I've ever lived alone and everyone I've lived with were nosy people who I didn't trust not to sneak into it. I may post partial entries from the written into here sometimes. I read some history the other night, personal history that is. It was kinda odd, in such a short time people can change so much. That's partly why I want to keep a regular journal, a documentation of who I am and the progression to who I will be. Well, I've rambled enough for now. I think I'll go for a walk after my interview. Peace out.

Just sittin' at home today cleanin' and what not. I'll prolly be stuck at home all day tomorrow too, especially since this library isn't open. I'll prolly go for another walk before the days over, tomorrow too.

Well, there have been a few attempts at organizing a meet up for us and our neighboring VR members. Here is one of the "ifs" that has become a "when". Once I get on my feet and am working regularly I'm going to set something up. I already have a few ideas but I'm not working on anything until I have the money and time.

The funny thing about friendship is that you can choose who's friend you are but not who is your friend.

There it is... Do you see it? It's coming... Are you prepared for what lies beyond?

For the first time in, well, ever I've come up with three new years resolutions: 1. be more social, 2. keep better contact with my friends, and 3 is for me. The third one has hardened my resolve on certain things. These things have gone from "ifs" to "whens" because I WILL achieve them. You see, on both sides of my family stubborness runs strong. As a result there is no way to deter me once my mind is set.Once my mind is set I do not fail.

Another year gone by. *twirls finger in air in sarcastic joy* It just means I've got a whole year ahead of me til I say that again. Nothing but another day, same as every other day. I hate this, I'm tired of not having any reason to celebrate...ever. Some would say that being alive is reason enough. My response would be what's so wonderful about being alive? I'm sure they'd come back with something like "What's so bad about it?" Nothing really bad, just frustrating. If there were one word to completely describe life that would be it: frustrating. To be honest, if I were to die tomorrow it would be a relief more than anything. It seems to me that twenty years is too long to waste time. That's all I've done my whole life though, waste time. What have I really done that matters? Then again, I don't have a desire to add anything to this world, I hate it so. It seems to me that progress has been a bane on mankind's existence. There is one and only one worth while thing that I can and want to do. Nothing else really seems to matter that much after thinking about it all, Nothing else matters at all. I used to say there is only one thing I fear, now there are two. My first fear is that there is life after deat and I'll be forced to endure another existence like this one. My second and greatest fear is that I'll never be near her. In fact, I would not fear the first one if I knew she would be there too. So, having managed to vomit these thoughts into my journal, here's to another year. *toasts and tips glass back*