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I can sometimes be just a little vain. Last night I started getting an ache in my bad knee. On a scale of 1-10 I would normally rate the pain in my knee a 1-2, now I would give it a 4-6. It wasn't so bad but I was on my feet at work and then I walked the 2 miles home, then I walked to turn in bottles and cans before I went to the grocery store to get some food. I've been fighting a limp all day and I finally gave up and let it happen after I left the store. Well on my way back I noticed my hot neighbor was out in her car and the limp instantly disappeared. *shakes head at self*



On a loosely related note: The store got in the pizza I requested so I had to get one tonight. I got that and a Powerade and the two things took almost every penny I had, it's a good thing I get paid at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

So... Today wasn't too bad. It was one of my two days off this week but the boss lady called me around 8 this morning and asked if I wanted to work 4 to 8 tonight. I agreed. Tonight combined with the 21 hours I'm supposed to get over the next 3 days is going to put me up to 36 hours for this week, I'm way freakin' happy about that. Next week I'm scheduled for 29 hours too, can't complain there. The only reason I got called in tonight though is because they fired one of the shift managers for being a real dick and he went a little psycho-ish, the boss lady basically wanted me there because she didn't want to take the risk of him showing up at the end of the night and it only being her there (a.k.a. I was there for the intimidation factor). It turned out to be a good thing for them that she had me come in, they would have been one person short if she hadn't. We got slammed around 6 and it was a good pace.

Today wasn't bad, business was fairly steady and that made the afternoon go by fast. I was in a pretty good mood too and that made it better. Shortly after I got to work this afternoon the boss lady asked me if I would be interested in learning to be an opener. What else could I say to that but, "Hell yeah!" Heh heh She said I wouldn't open too often, just when my school schedule allowed it. She also told me that they're not going to hire anyone to replace the shift manager that's quitting, they're just going to divide the hours between some of the remaining employees. Boo-freakin'-ya. She later told me that I would probably get 40 hours the last couple weeks before school starts because there are so many people needing time off. *dances* Hell yeah! That freakin' rocks! I'm lookin' forward the next paycheck after this one! This one isn't going to be too shabby either, well when you take everything into consideration anyway. Just to put a little icing on the cake, after talking with me about it one of my coworkers cleared it with the boss lady for me to cover his shifts next weekend so he can go home to Chicago. That's 10 more hours! I was already scheduled at 20, so that's going to put me over 30. If you take into account that it usually takes us a minimum of 30 minutes at the end of the night to get out and sometimes (like tonight) up to an hour, that's going to put me at about 34 hours for the week. *dances some more* I'm one happy mother fucker right now!

The other day something good happened to me that I didn't journal in here at the time. I'm not sure I can explain it all 100% but I'm going to try my best.



It started with finding out about my financial aid for college. I was already stressed to the max at that point and even though that was good it still put a bunch of emotional stress on me. It may have lifted other weights on my mind but it added its own in a way. I was pretty much at my emotional limit that day.

Before you can really understand the signifigance of this, there's somethings you need to know. I started repressing myself when I was a teenager, when I lived with my mother back then. Originally it was just in my attempts to control my rather violent and explosive temper, it was a major problem. It took me a while to get it under control. During that whole process is when the Jehova's Witness shit all started. Because of that I had to repress and hold inside so much more, I basically shut anything of who I really was inside. Even when I got out of that situation I was still in need to do similar with my father. Eventually I got to a point that I couldn't let it all out, I was trapped in myself. All my emotions felt dull and as if there was a buffer between them and myself, they were nothing to what I was used to. Occasionally something would manage to bubble to the surface but it wouldn't last long. So all this time I've felt so out of touch and numb, not just my emotions but the passion they are a part of. I could feel only so much and then no more, I would just shut down most of the time if the emotions got to strong and then I didn't feel anything.

Well, I was at my emotional limit from the good news about my financial aid, I was maybe a hair from my shut down point. Then something happened that pissed me off, I mean beat the shit out of somebody and destroy anything in reach pissed off. I had one of those moments when it feels like a switch flips inside of myself and when it did, for just a moment, I felt the bottom drop under me and there was nothing for the split second. It was a moment of amazing clarity. Then everything came flooding in, I can't describe just how it felt. The overwhelming joy of the good news, the rage over what just pissed me off. It was like a sudden, crushing flood and terrible thunderstorm meeting, that's the only way I can think to describe the feeling. I managed to hold back long enough to walk away but then I snapped. It was wonderful, it felt good. It was like everything blocking what I felt, dulling it, was gone. Since then it's all been like that. I'd forgotten what it was like to really feel those things, not just observe the presence of the emotions. I think this is what a therapist would call a break through.

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SinginGhost88
22:50 Jul 22 2010

:) Yay.

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I haven't been on much lately despite just recently getting my internet hooked up. I was feeling very withdrawn, not trapped or repressed like I normally do at those times but I needed some me time. I'm back now. I did a lot of reading. I read Wizard's First Rule, Sister of the Dead, Traitor to the Blood, Stone of Tears, and I got started on Blood of the Fold. I also re-watched the whole series of Avatar and the first season of Merlin. Other than that I haven't done much.

Soooo.... I got my internet hooked up yesterday, I'm so loving being back online.



I am, 100% for sure, absolutely no doubts, going to college this coming semester. I'd better be since I got a little over $10,000 worth of financial aid, which is more than I actually need and have some left over! I'm really looking forward to it.



I watched the first episode of Legend of the Seeker last night... I wasn't impressed, I couldn't seperate the show from the book in my mind and the show doesn't live up to the book.

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chrysanthemia
05:00 Jul 14 2010

That's how much I got, too! What are you going to college for? I'm going into paralegal, and I'm beyond excited to be doing so. It feels great, doesn't it?

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For the most part it's been a boring couple of days off. I went in to the financial aid office at the university today, my Dependency Override was approved! I should be able to find out what I'll get for financial aid tomorrow! I'm so excited. Other than that I haven't done much but work on getting shit put away and playing KoTOR: The Sith Lords and listening to music. I need a life but I'm not worrying about it now. I need to go home and call to see about getting my internet turned on sooner, I called this morning and they told me it didn't look like they had anything but they also said I should call back again this afternoon to see if that had changed.

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SinginGhost88
03:47 Jul 08 2010

Did I ever tell you how much i love you and the fact that you write in your journal, so i have something to read when I come online....



Just sayin =D

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placidchaos
16:16 Jul 13 2010

Well hey, I'm glad I'm good for somethin'! ;) I'll be writing more now that I've got the internet back too.

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I called to check on the cost of gettin my own internet yesterday, using open wireless signals has just become to unreliable. The one I was using has been too irregular for me to be on more than a couple minutes in one shot over the last couple days. I'm at the library now. The good news is that my internet is only going to cost $29.95 a month, that's freakin' cheap. My mother gets hers $3 cheaper but that's only because she got it while they were doing some special. For some reason it's cheaper in these apartments than it is in some other places, I don't know why and the CSR I spoke to didn't either. The only problem is that I won't be hooked up for another week because all their techs are to busy fixing some problem in this area that's causing intermittent service (unrelated to why I can't connect, I'm just not close enough to the source of the signal to get enough signal strength).

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chrysanthemia
04:51 Jul 14 2010

I was able to get hi-speed and wifi for $19.95/month. With Bell. I wouldn't do it again though. Since I decided to use their mobile service, they've treated me like shit, and the service is faulty. Sometimes, you really do get what you pay for.

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On a dating site I'm on I came across a profile that I think is somebody I know around here. I'm pretty sure it's them, the pictures look just different enough that I'm not 100% sure and the age is listed as a year older than they are but... I don't know. The pictures do look a lot like them, the personality sounds a lot like them, and it is this town and I doubt there are that many people like them here. The person I think it is is somebody I work with actually and have a bit of a crush on, I'm not sure if I should just go up to them and say, "Hey, are you 'such and such' on pof?" I did message them on the site though, if it turns out to be them like I think it might be interesting.

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TheRoman
21:13 Jul 05 2010

everyones on pof these days,i bet it is i would just ask if i was you.

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Wow. I hit the hay around 12:30 last night. I wasn't super exhausted or anything, just generally drained and bored. I just woke up a few minutes ago at 5 on the dot... I have no clue why. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize I was awake at first, it didn't clcik until I went to pop my jaw and realized that it wasn't part of a dream. Now I simply don't feel tired enough to go back to sleep.

It feels like it's been a long day. It didn't feel that way until I got home and actually sat down though. At least I have almost exactly 23 hours until I work again.



The day started out good for the most part. I got up and showered before heading out the door to walk to work. I got to work and the day went fine, we were just busy enough during lunch to keep me moving and that's just what I was in the mood for. After the lunch rush was done I noticed that a spot on my left foot was feeling really tender, so I took off my shoe to see if something was in it and a pebble came out. Now I've got a blister there, if it had been over just half of a centimeter it would have been on my callous and there'd be no problem but... Oh well.



A week ago I accidentally burnt my hand on a coil in the fry warmer. It wasn't a bad burn and was barely noticeable the next morning. Today the back of my hand started itching like crazy all of a sudden, I was scratching it and I could feel some weird bump. I got to looking at it and I realized that it's the spot where the burn was and it had a blister. After a week a burn that was barely anything blisters... What the fuck?



I went to the library the other day and requested 2 books through an interlibrary loan, Sister of the Dead and Traitor to the Blood. Those are the next books in the Noble dead series and I've been dying to read them. The library called me today to let me know that one of them was in, I was pretty excited about that and went down to pick it up. Unfortunately it's Traitor to the Blood which is book 4 and I still need to read book 3, hopefully that will be in soon.

Grrrr... I haven't been able to be on much to talk to my friends lately and during my absence a friend that actually means a lot to me disappeard off facebook. It upsets me because I've had too many friends slip from my life and I don't want this one to, it also worries me since I know she has a heart condition. I have a phne number for her but I don't know if she still has the same number, I'm not much for talking on the phone so we've mostly chatted on facebook. It's going to depress me if I can't get in contact with her.

After being in limbo the last few months and even worse the last couple weeks, on top of being overworked... I. Am. Fried.

I work tomorrow morning at 11. That means I need to be up by 9 to shower and relax before I head out the door at 10. I still need to locate my alarm clock to plug it in, not that I really seem to need it since my internal one seems to be working great currently. I also need to locate the charger to my Mp3 player so it doesn't die while I'm walking to or from work tomorrow.

I'm really looking forward to getting back into my own routines over the next while, I think that's going to be the best thing for me to fully 'recover'.

I watched Animals tonight. It wasn't a great movie but it wasn't bad either, it was interesting at least. The sfx left a little to be desired and there was a spot or two where the camera work wasn't that great. I also felt like it didn't quite reach its potential. I liked it though, the general idea was intriguing and the acting wasn't bad.

It's funny, I don't feel guilty at all about frivolous spending when I have to walk a couple miles to do it. I guess I feel like I've earned it a little or something.

I actually met the perfect girl once, for me anyway. She was literally everything I find attractive intellectually, emotionally, sexually, and physically. Unfortunately she was also married to a friend of mine. To be honest I've been sort of looking for her double, not exactly since I know everyone is unique but she's sort of the standard I've gone by. I haven't ever found it despite having entered into relationships since I met her, I've been into the women I've dated but in all this time my ideal hasn't shifted even the slightest.

I'm finally back on. After a period of enforced absence I am glad to be back. So what has happened since I've been gone? Let's see... Not too much really. I just moved into my own apartment again today, I'm very happy to be on my own again. I got a new cell phone, it's nice to have it. I'm fully registered for classes at college, I'm just waiting for a second person to write me a couple letters so I can get my financial aid but nobody I've asked seems to be willing to commit to either doing it or not. Basically everybody I've asked can't really be bothered to take the time but are too ashamed to say so. The one person who did write them for me volunteered without my asking, showing to me once more that family has nothing to do with blood.