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Well, I haven't been on in a week or so. I've gone to log in a couple of times and just didn't. I just couldn't come up with any reason to. Something clicked in me now that I've finally managed to manage and now that I'm feeling really happy. I still do and don't want social interaction beyond the few friends I have and both sides of that coin leave me with little desire to come on, this place is an opportunity for some sort of that and because I do very little of that here it only underscores that sense of loneliness I've felt since I parted ways with my closest friends. At some point this site went from being my escape to scratching a raw spot. I don't know why. I simply can't log on without feeling my loneliness emphasized, I'm really happy these days and that makes me not feel that loneliness without some enhancement to it.

Sweet, I've been trying to find out what that song is for a while now. Now it's in my profile:

It's My Turn To Fly by The Urge

Now this is familiar. Working, sleeping, eating, rarely seeing people outside of work, and spending most of my free time in complete solitude. The only thing missing is going to pay the bills only to find out that my mother spent the money on some junk food and movies. Right now, this is how I like it. I have the money to do what I need to do and nobody to waste it. I am comfortable and happier than I have been in a long time. Now that I'm getting used to things being like this I'm doing really good. I'm not getting to see Tina as much as I'd like but that's temporary. I think that after I get my debt paid off that I'm going to switch to a morning job. I miss being able to enjoy the night but working in the afternoon would leave me less time to spend with Tina than I already have. I'm looking forward to being able to save up some money this winter. Now that things are going so well stupid people and other stupid things don't bother me near as much. If things continue this way, 2009 promises to be an awesome year.

Payday tomorrow! YES! Over 20 hours of overtime on it!



Tina has decided that she might not mind getting a two bedroom apartment with me. lol. I was teasing her about making me be at home alone. I didn't realize that I was making her feel bad. When she said something about it we talked for a bit. She doesn't want to give up her solitude is part of what the deal is. I get that and that's why I don't push, if I'd realized my picking on her was making her feel bad about it I wouldn't have. So she's thinking about the idea but I told her that even if we do it won't be until the spring. I won't move until I have my debt paid off and that means winter and I won't move in the winter unless I must. Plus, I'm not sure if she's really ready or if she's going along with it because she knows I'm lonely when she's not around.

It's funny the things we sometimes do to ourselves. If you knew that jumping was going to break your leg than why'd you do it? Is it human nature that we torture ourselves or is it a conditioned desire?



I knew as a child that my mother tended to have a violent temper and I still went out of my way to push her to that point. I intentionally did things to piss her off more and more. In elementary extra milk cost 25 cents and at some point it became a routine thing for me to round up anybody who would be willing to put up a quarter in the recess before lunch and entertain them by slamming my head into the school wall. When I got older it switched to punching the wall a long with someone else to see who could continue to do it the longest. One time my knuckles were bleeding profusely before I quit. All through school I hated bullies and I did almost everything I could to annoy and provoke them. After school I put myself into situation after situation that led to emotional suffering. I constantly did things to sabotage myself without realizing as I did so that that is what I was doing.



I have to wonder, am I that masochistic or was I defining my life by the amount I suffered?

Wow, thankfull this was one of those times when things look messier than they actually are. It looked like hell and yet it took me barely any time at all to clean up. All that's left is some straightening and laundry. I swear that I am going to finish it tomorrow and after that I'm going to KEEP it clean!

The last couple of weeks have seen me feeling extremely and inexplicably out of sorts. I don't know what the deal has been. I felt as though I was being consumed by despair. I couldn't bring myself to do anything, I had no desire to do anything other than lay around. Whatever was up isn't anymore, it just seems to have faded in the last 24 hours. That having been said, I think it's finally time that I clean up the trash heap.

I've managed to re-find a wireless signal. So I will be on more as long as I don't lose it again. I don't have anything of any relevance to write in here right now so that'll be it for the time being.