The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I have about a million little goals. Now that I've started writing "what I want" down, and I'm actually checking the little steps off when I do them, I'm beginning to see a pattern emerge in what I do manage to accomplish daily (like cleaning, working, helping friends) and what I neglect (like cardio, singing, musicing, web business startup stuff.) Of course some of these are new endeavors and not ingraned "habits" yet, but an interesting pattern to note:



Hey, would you look at that... I'm still putting others before myself. Go Figure.



My purpose here is to actually keep this list of things that will help me accomplish what I want to do, and note what I DO manage to accomplish, and make an effort to every day get a little better at accomplishing more of the things that I want to do for me. I have some writing an publishing goals, some health goals and some life goals that I need to get a little better at working every day towards.



On a related note: One of the things on my list that I've noticed I have been able to do regularly - is pay more attention and give more dedicated encouragement time to my b/f. I notice that this is one of the daily goals that is easier to complete than some of the goals I have for myself. I also notice some interesting results (AKA: side effects) that I'm rather happy about.



Bow chica wow wow.



Go me.



Uh Huh!

I found this parody commercial absolutely hilarious.



















*Please Note:

This ad is for entertainment purposes only. The pookah does not advocate using alcohol or even pharmaceutical prescriptions as way of covering emotional or psychological issues. You may now resume the normal viewing of your life.



- This commercial was brought to me by Ogunshi.

Self esteem - the relationship you have with yourself when no one else is watching.



Do you keep your promises to yourself? When you tell yourself that you will excercise today, that you will not smoke, that you will not drink, that you will not eat that extra piece of cake, or that you will spend 30 minutes researching your latest business idea, do you make it a priority to keep these promises? Do you always follow through with your intentions, or do you allow yourself those sinful little lapses.



Do you keep your promises to others, or are you the type to make frequent promises to others merely a distraction to keep you from being reminded that you need to keep your promises to yourself? Do you put your promises to others before your promises to yourself?



When you make a promise to yourself, no matter how big or how small, and you do not keep your promises, you are telling yourself that you are not important enough to give yourself priority. You are telling yourself that you don't care enough to make sure that what is important to you comes first in your life. You are telling your brain, and your soul, your internal guide, that you don't love yourself enough to do what you know you should do.



Every time you do this, every time you break a promise to yourself you begin to feel worse and worse, and your self-esteem begins to suffer. You may start to get angry, you may start to get upset, you may start to get depressed, and you may have no idea why. It could just be that you are angry at yourself for treating yourself so badly.



On the contrary, every time you keep a promise to yourself, you know that you have followed through on something you wanted to do for yourself, and you begin to feel better and better. Your self-esteem begins to rise.



I've said this before. Not a single one of us is a static, constant being. Every day we are being molded. Every day we are becoming a product of our choices, our environment, our feelings and our thoughts. We can either make choices that hurt our future selves, or we can make choices that heal our future selves.



What promises do you want to make?

What choices do you want to make?



How do you want to mold yourself today?



-Rebekah Faith

WHEW - Finally all done with Batchyld's resume.

Now I need to work on SilverAngel's, and then do Ogunshi's website, then the Weatah website and then I need to get back to work.



My problem is I love to help my friends, and I promise them help, with the best of intentions, but then procrastinate about it.



I suppose I should stagger the tasks. Do something for work, then something for me, then something for someone else, then something for me again.



I feel very relieved that Batchyld's resume is done. Her interview is tomorrow and I wish her the best of luck.



One monkey down, fifteen to go.

Yes, my friends, there is actually a pie in the sky. It was made especially for you. It is your favorite flavor, your favorite crust, your favorite temperature. It is your pie, you can eat as much of it as you want and not get fat. It is all yours and you don't have to share it with anyone.



Now, all you have to do to get your pie in the sky is build a set of stairs, climb your stairs, and when you are within arm's reach, reach out your hand and take it.



********************************



First thing is first, you must figure out what the design of your stairs will be. If you don't know the first thing about stairs, you might want to do a little research on that. Find a mentor who has managed to build a set of stairs to reach his pie, and find out what needs to be done.



Next, you will need to finance your stairs. You need to buy the wood, the screws, the joints, the tools, etc. You will need to account for any miscalculations or damaged goods. You might need to buy more wood, or even a few extra tools. You might need to patch or replace some broken tools. You might need to re-asses your budget, so that you can have the finances you need to build your stairs to your pie. Ask yourself, What do you want more? Car payments for the next 10 years, or would you rather drive a used car and use the finance payments to instead build a set of stairs to reach your pie?



Next, and this I believe is the hardest step for most, you need to put in the hours. The actual work required to construct the stairs. You may find that you've worked really hard for days, weeks or even months, and you pull out your protractor and your compass, your GPS, and find that your stairs are not even going to line up with your pie. So you need to make sure that you still have the financing to deconstruct, buy new materials, and rebuild your stairs in the right direction. You need to have backup plans, backup means to continue to build your stairs, backup sustinence to keep you going until you reach your pie. You may need to carefully balance your time, carefully ration your efforts so that you have enough for the present, and also to finance your pie aquiring project.



Building your stairs to reach your pie takes daily effort. Daily effort, and bi-weekly reassessment. It means you must know what you are working for, and keep working at it every day, not just every day for a month, but every day for years! Time management on the pie aquiring project must be carefully planned. You want to make sure that you can work on this project for the long term. You want to make sure that you don't run, buy all of your materials, build for a month and then give up. You want to make sure you have balance of your current life, your time to rest, and your plans for the future. With proper planning, and careful pacing, you can and you will be able to reach your pie.



Your pie is right there, right above you, right up there in the sky. All you need to do is get to it. There are many people in the world who would say, "You mean I can have that pie... I can have that 1 million dollar house, I can have that $50K car, I can have that boat, and all I have to do is WORK for it?"



"I'm all over that!"



-Rebekah Faith

Goofed off and rested the entire holiday weekend. Sunday is when the rubber meets the road and I catch up on everything I was supposed to be catching up on this weekend.



*rolls eyes*



I'm terrible, I know.



But I'm glad I took the time to rest.

Well, our makeshift Thanksgiving here in our "pitts" of dissarray was pleasantly suprising!



Thanks to our friend Jim who did MOST of the cooking today, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving feast. I can attest to the fact that if you boil a cornish game hen first, it cooks up rather nicely in a toaster oven! He also did stove top stuffing with added sausage onion and rasin bits... and he did real mashed potatoes from scratch, and green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, gravy and real cranberry sauce!



I tell you, bless his heart. I openly admit. I would not have been able to do it! They say I have the patience of a saint, but I would not have been able to cook a whole thanksgiving dinner on a toaster oven and a single hot plate burner using only a folding chair as counterspace. I would have dropped things, and I would have thrown a game hen at the wall, I'm sure I would have.



He pulled it off though. I was so amazed. So amazed in fact that I went upstairs and did all the dishes afterwards, and then went on to organize the armor and swordfighting crafting supplies, and then I insulated part of the attic floor - AKA: ceiling over the bathroom and dining room. (For the last two hours I've been working a stubborn piece of fiberglass out of my eye... Meh. Only slightly unpleasant. Or, I could say, "How Irrigating!" lol!)



I'm doing laundry now, just winding down getting ready for the work day tomorrow. I am looking at the indoor/outdoor thermometer we bought and feeling very blessed that our makeshift "plastic-wrap" means of keeping heat in these two temporary living space basement rooms is holding. Inside it is 69*. Outside it is 33*. I am quite impressed.



Dinner was wonderful, and the festive warm atmosphere was more than I could hope for. It was genuinely both festive and warm.



Today was an impressive success. I feel rather like Tiny Tim. And so I stand up on a chair and say, "God bless us everyone!"

Far away from family, in a house without a kitchen. The phrase "Happy Thanksgiving" stings just a little.



We're doing our best with a single plug in burner, a microwave and a toaster oven. (on two plugs so not all three can run at once; and the microwave cannot be on if we want the spaceheater running.) Gonna see if two cornish game hens will allow themselves to be cooked in a little mini toaster box on 250 for three hours.



We have a house (mostly), we have electric (of sorts), we have friends, and we have food. Even though we don't have a kitchen per se, we really do have a lot. Gonna do our best to make the best out of what we've got... and if that doesn't work, there's always Denny's. ;)



How is it that I have a wonderful sense of nostalgia, when this is truly a scary first?



Happy Turkey Day everyone.

May you have a lot to be thankful for.

Well, I'm proud of myself, I battoned down the hatches, and got a good portion of my work done last night and this morning. I'm catching up in due course... taking a quick break right now, and then getting back to it in a couple of hours.



Now I have a new challenge. There is no term worse than "acute tennis elbow" and tendonitis of the knee, but the doctor sure wishes he could invent one to describe the b/f's condition.



The b/f is on strict rest for a week, no swordfighting, no chainmail, no drywall, no stairs, no NOTHING. But we still urgently need to get drywall done so we can move the electric over and get the heaters in here. There are two ways we could handle this. We could all take a week off and catch up on regular work, but that would put us closer to not being buttoned up in even COLDER weather... Or I can work double-pookah speed and call for help from friends and do the best I can with what we get.



I've put a bulletin out with my Pitts friends. We're willing to pay for extra help. We leave it up to the universe to decide which way the drywall knives land in relation to the temperature gages.



Universe, I am calling on your wisdom to provide either friends to assist, or clement weather for the week we will need to take off.



Thank you.

I'm a little down.

Is it me, or is it me?

Not sure....



It could be that I am just a little under the weather, or it could be approaching "that time", or perhaps it is my own internal compass telling me I'm not doing what I should be doing again.



It all started when my b/f says I need to fix up his chainmail and photo editing website. "Update The Website." Yes, I know. Mom was visiting, and I was a little pre-occupied with her, got behind on work, his site, my writing, following up on that "VR Band" idea, updating the weatah site with the dagorhir events, and everything else. I need to catch up. So I told him it would be done by this weekend.



Then I got an email from one of our own in the Dagorhir unit, gently reminding me that I need to put Nov and Dec activites on the unit website. Yep, I know that too. I need to "Update The Other Website." I haven't responded yet.



The Post-Thanksgiving Potluck that I need to "update on the website" triggers the thought of Thanksgiving. Every time I think about Thanksgiving a wave of disenchantment sweeps me into a pool of sadness. I thought we would be living in the completed house upstairs by Thanksgiving. I thought I would have the electric moved over, the oven hooked up and a working kitchen in time to make a Thanksgiving dinner. Instead it will be diner food or microwave meals for us.



I don't know what I'm upset about, I mean its only a silly dinner on a farcical arbitrary date, right? Thanksgiving is all in the mind, I could move it to whatever day we have a working kitchen, couldn't I? *Something is pricking me like a needle in the skin* "OW! Dammit!"



I also know that I have a boat-load of work to do before 9 am tomorrow morning, and it is now 3:16 am and I feel guilty for taking the day off to take mom to the airport to send her back home. We had a great visit. Didn't do nearly everything we wanted to do, but it was good. I feel even more guilty for crashing from exhaustion when I got back from the three hour tour of pitts airport traffic.



I am terribly behind in work. That's totally my fault. I'm trying to heal myself of my resentment-> money issues and focus on my work more so that I can afford to treat myself better. I am trying to pound it into my head that I am not just begrudgingly working to support other people, I am also working to afford what *I* want! I tell myself over and over again, "Goo hage me, Goo hage me! (Work hard!)" But for some reason there is a mental/psychological brick wall right in front of me that I need to blast through.



So, back to the CRUNCH of the three days of work that I need to do in under 5.5 hours.... On one hand I could stay up and do part of my work tonight, and not get up at any reasonable client support hour tomorrow.....



Or I could go to sleep now, and try as I might, still not get up at any reasonable client support hour tomorrow.



Hey, at least I'm honest with myself, right? I'm overcommitted, and exhausted. Seriously, What am I doing now? Writing a journal entry instead of catching up? Silly me, huh?



I'm not sure what's wrong... If its me, or if its me... but I hope to god I will feel more rested and more capable soon.



Its gonna take a little bit 'o discipline to catch up. (I've always lacked discipline.) Well, here goes. Its 4:00 am now, I will work for 1/2 hour before bed, and then wake up at 8:30 and continue. Its only for one day. "Kyo dake wa - Goo Hage Me!"

I light a candle. It is named "Discovery" it tells of a hint of a mountain lavendar patch and a wisp of a babbling brook. I realize that I could not be more at peace.



I just got back from "kidnapping" my mom and b/f. I took them to see the state park (with the ski slopes and wave pool) by way of the local hindu temple and the bengal kittens. Next we went to the art district where I indulged $30 on small trinkets found in various cultural shops, I took them to the VIP theatre to see the new BOND movie in the balcony seats, purchased the b/f an ice cream dessert, my mom a strawberry cheesecake dessert, and myself a glass of merlot.



I realize that I will always be harboring a seed of opression. My life has always been slightly shaded with a dash of resentment, a sprinkle of anger and a tablespoon of anxiety; and old habits are hard to break. I worry, mostly, about money. I long for the days when the magic doesn't always need to come out of my pocketbook, and I trust that those days will appear in due time.



In the meantime I thank the gods, spirits, and the universe that my well of good fortune remains running. I am healthy, I am happy, and I am grateful to be able to treat my family to such a wonderful day.



I pray that this house gets finished soon and we can move out of our basement dual-room holding quarters and up into the home we have nearly finished building for ourselves.



~Fin~

The Manifesta – Rebekah Faith

I have always inherently believed in the limitless potential of every human being. If you are a reasonably able bodied and able minded individual, I believe that there is nothing you cannot accomplish. Sure, we all have our obstacles, we all have our own demons to fight, our own battles to wage, and we are all given our own set of handicaps, and this is part of what gives us our own flavor, our own depth, and our own individualized wealth of knowledge and experience. I have always believed that obstacles are placed in our paths to create our specialized array of experiences; and any obstacle that one truly desires to overcome, can still be and always will be surmountable.



The case of the injured athlete learning to walk again is no stranger to our medical journals, however sad that it may be that it is no longer considered newsworthy. The body has a single job; and that is to maintain itself. I believe that the body can even heal itself better than most medicines or doctors can and the only thing that can get in the way of the body doing its job without the slightest flaw, is the mind.



I believe that each of us has within ourselves limitless potential. We all have within ourselves the ability to cure cancer, the ability to solve the energy crisis, the ability to win a marathon, or the ability to sing an opera. What we lack is the desire, the focus, the inspiration, the guidance, or the discipline.



Therefore, I believe it is our responsibility to be on the lookout for people with whom we share common interests so that we may work together with them, and they with us to provide the catalyst, or the inspiration, or even the pieces of the puzzle that we lack and vice-versa. Every human that you meet will influence you in some way, therefore I believe it is crucial to surround yourself with individuals that you believe will influence you in the way in which you wish to create yourself.



Yes, I said, “Create yourself.” You did not think that you were a static being, did you? Every day that we live, every second that we breathe, every thought that we think, and every person with which we share experiences are actually all forces which contribute the active building material and solidifying plaster of our growing, malleable essence. Our soul is, as it always will be, a work in progress. Just as you are always re-working your webpage to show a current accurate picture of the person you believe yourself to be, every day that you live, every thought that you think, every thing that you do, every experience that you have is actively creating the person that will one day be you.



(Work in Progress - To Be Continued)

I have a question, and of course I need to find a more suitable place to ask my question, because simply posting it here or in the forums is rather like throwing chalk to the wind.



I know that I have a knack for helping people. I've rewritten countless resumes, and helped tons of my friends get out of their dead end food service jobs. Also I spent a good deal of time helping people polish up dress, mannerisms and interview tactics to help prepare for the coporate workplace.



Now, I know I can do this for a living and I know I can charge for this, but what would I bill it as? Career Coach? Life Coach? Are there license requirements in my area? How much of my present philosophy, writing, or energy work can I incorporate into this future career once it has morphed into whatever works out for me? Could I get into trouble with the law if I do whatever X may be that I am not allowed to do or say without a license? What are those guidelines exactly? Where can I find them?



Well, tomorrow before I go and pick up my mum from the airport, I will make a few phone calls around the local homeless center and career placement center and see if I can get pointed in the right direction for helping me get guided in a direction wherein I can help my "chosen ones."



"Chosen Ones" would be anyone who could use a resume rewrite and some assistance to get a better job and get into a better position in life.



If by some miracle, someone reads this that can point their finger in a direction, please PM me.



Thanks,

Help! There is an army of full-grown obnoxious drilling monsters trapped in my head!



They must have been conceived about three weeks ago when I had the worst flu that I can remember in almost 20 years. Funny how they spent about two and a half weeks in gestational hiberatory bliss.



However, for the last few days, although I am completely over the flu, (nothing is running, nothing is dripping) my teeth hurt when I walk down the stairs, and my head feels like someone is spooning out the ol' canteloupe whenever I bend down to pick something up.



Seriously, I do not sound sick, I do not feel sick at all. However, I am accustomed to performing multiple engagements of "allergic opera" on a daily basis. Now if I try to cough or sneeze it feels like the dance of 1000 jackhammers have decided to crash my stage and provide their own accompaniement.



So, I finally caved. I went to the munitions supply warehouse and sequestered the General Issue pseudo-fed and the After-in (yes, the generic versions.) I am now prepared to wage war against these obnoxious drilling monsters! No longer will I allow them to dance along to my tune under my roof anymore!



I will update in a couple of days... as soon as I have evicted these unholy little snot-creatures that have set up their fortified dwelling in the deepest reseses of my sinus. "So, you are enjoying the picturesque view of my frontal lobes, huh? Setting up your all night poker games behind my eye sockets, are you? Enjoy having your wee little children jumping up and down on my dental beds? Ha ha! We shall see!"

YOU ARE NOT ALONE:

You know it too well. The darkness that wants so badly to control you. The feelings that make you want to let the blood run free. The sense of despair that comes from feeling like you are trapped in the bottom of a dark, earthen pit and the only way out are tangled vines covered in crude oil.



The feelings that are so overpowering that you don't even know if you are capable of living a "normal life." You don't even know if you are capable of walking around every day without hurting yourself, or someone else. The estrangement that you feel when you look at other people, the uselessness you feel when you try to think about going to work. The inability to rise and face a new day. The feeling that you are living a lie.



You are not alone.



See that woman over there? She is a single mom with three children and is living on welfare; but you wouldn't know it to look at her. The despair she feels is cleverly masked with an aura of hope.



The cashier in your grocery store who is always smiling, you know the one. She was in and out of foster homes her whole life. She never truly felt like she was loved, she never feels like she belongs anywhere.



That lady in line wearing the garishly large diamond ring, the one who’s Mercedes is illegally parked in the fire lane? Yes, she feels the demon of despair just as deeply as you do.



Who of these are not "worth" your sympathy? Can you truly stand here as a fellow human being, having felt the deepness of depression yourself, and say that one human's feelings are "worse" or "better" or more "deserving" than another's?



No. We all, every single one of us, struggle daily to keep these demons at bay. We all falter sometimes and find that this demon has gained control for a while.



We all understand what you are going through.



You are not alone

--Unless you want to be alone.

I have friends in pain, friends that are suffering, and its killing me. Its like reliving my own dark side. Seeing others in pain, pains me so great, that I want to bleed myself for them.



I would rather be killed then have them suffer.



I feel like my insides are bleeding, and there is no one who can see it. I wish the fates would take me instead. I've been there, I've seen the demon. I know I could kill him.



Although I suffer alongside my friends, they do not believe I feel their pain. How truly sad.



Lord, I finally understand.

Three major realizations within the last 30 days:



1. Success is only achieved when one works at a goal every day. Not every day for two weeks, but every day for over six months, over a year, over two years.



2. My inner soul's way of letting me know that I am not doing what I should be doing at any given time, is to express this in the form of anger, anxiety, and sadness. When I am angry or sad, it is because I am goofing off when I should be working on something else, or else I am not resting properly or resting enough when I should be resting or relaxing.



3. I originally came to VR looking for answers. Answers to why I knock out lights, why I drain batteries, how I can better focus my gifts of being able to pull out headaches or backaches. I originally thought that someone here at VR could lead me to the answers I was looking for. I have come to realize that no one can lead me to these answers. The answers will not be found in any book, as the answers are different for everyone. My inner compass will guide me to my own answers, in due time.



PS. I really love Billy's tibetan quote:

"If you are not happy with what you have now, then how can you possibly be happy with more?" Its so true! Right now, is the first time I can remember in a long time that I am happy right where I am. Not to say things couldn't be improved. I'd like to get the house buttoned up, and I'd like to lose more weight, but things will come in their own time.



I really cannot believe how much more relaxed and stable I am from only say... even three weeks ago!

I thought if I saved my timesheets up; submitted four at once, I'd have enough money to do the winterization and plumbing work that needs to be done on the house before winter hits.



My plan backfired. I came down with a terrible flu last week when I was supposed to put my timesheets in, and I didn't get them in on time.



I have not gotten paid since October 2, and now I will need to wait until November 16th. I have no money right now, no gas; but for some reason I'm not worried. For some reason I have the idea that this happened for a reason.



Perhaps I'm going to need SIX weeks of pay all at once to get this house done, and the starving period I will be going through for the next fifteen days will end with a more than literal feast of thanksgiving.



Fifteen days to go... wish us luck!



****************************

On another note:



Why am I so upset about this? I know I'll be just fine. I don't need anything right now, and I don't anticipate needing anything for the next 15 days. The boys have plenty of drywall to work with.... For christ's sake, *shouting at myself now* everything will be OK, I know it! I've got plenty of friends and family who love me, I'll be totally fine!



I know I did this to myself, So I'm a bit upset at myself, but also - I'm so angry for the HR manager ignoring my request to process the timesheets or cut me a small advance check on top of her not approving my request for my 401K hardship withdrawl two weeks ago to help us button up the house. I guess after everything I've done for this company I feel slapped in the face. I guess I feel like no one else cares.



Part of me wants to go to my bed and cry. The other part of me is chastizing me and thinks I am being silly.