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not my usual style...





You'll have to forgive me. This is not my usual style of blog. Usually I am so forgiving, such a doormat... but not today. So if you don't like to see the ugly side of the pookah, I might advise that you hit "ALT F", and then "X" right now.











*** are they gone? ***











good.







Don't want to ruin my reputation or anything....



















The asshole FUCKTARD left a happy birthday comment on my sweet lil bro's myspace page. I haven't managed to get a hold of my bro to wish him a happy birthday or even talk to him since before his birthday, and I'm quite a bit waaay jealous.



Right over there on the top comment of my lil bro's myspace page is the asshole FUCKTARD that I supported for god knows how many years. Apparently he is doing just fine and dandy in California. Even lost himself 100 lbs and managed to get himself into shape enough to run a 5K marathon!



FUCK!



I am sooo pissed!



What am I pissed about, I wonder? Couldn't I get myself into shape if I wanted to? What is it, do you think, that is holding me back?



And why the FUCK haven't I mailed back that picture of nan yet? (His grandma who told me all the time she loved me. The same one I once considered my jewish grandma.) Oh my GOD why haven't I mailed back her picture. What is wrong with me?



And now, all I have in my head is a chronic replay of all of the evidence that I was never good enough. The bastard going off to Florida to hang out with his "little sister" and not wanting me to come with him at all. Taking a florida disney vacation and not wanting me around. Within the same year he was going off with his first co-star to the mall, shopping, asking her to dress him, redo his wardrobe, going out to dinner, spending days with her, rehersing kisses and shit (can't do it at the front door, can't do it in the living room, gotta do it in her bedroom) This crap I put up with. And again... not wanting me around.



OK, two years later... four years later.... doing two/three plays, falling in love with THOSE co-stars, hanging out with them until 4 or 5 am.... not inviting me to the parties, events and blue rooms... again not wanting me around. Oh and reporting back to me that the other casting members would ask, "What are you doing going out with HER?!?"



Yes. Over nine years I spent with someone who had a complete inability to accept me for who I was (or even want me AROUND in public) Someone who made it clear that he did not accept my music, my boisterous personality, or even (in the privacy of my own home....) my belching.



He never wanted a pookah, he wanted an size six, fashoinably dressed, gucci wearing arm trophy. He wanted a dainty little debutante to show off. I put up with his high standards and ridicule and inability to accept me for who I was for years. I ignored the fact that he'd flirt with, and practically or maybe have sex with his pretty little co-stars for ages. (Regularly coming home at 4 or 5 in the morning, what do YOU think?!?) It PISSES me off that he's managed to post a comment on my lil bro's blog, that he seemingly went out to Arizona to hang out with lil bro. That this Fucktard is still somehow connected to my life?!?



God dammit, go drown in a river already! I fucking HATE you!



For years you wounded me, and you expected things to end nicely? Now I'm the devil? You fucked me over for years!



Well, I paid off the car that your deadbeat ass had repossessed. Isn't that enough?



I count my blessings that in over nine years, no children were involved.



You self-centered asshole, hair fag, fashion obsessed, stuck up, lying about your age AND your hairline - Stuck in the mutha-fucking-closet, barfbag!





May you lose everything and find out one day the true meaning of REAL. The true meaning of LIFE. May your next armcandy showgirl who doesn't fart or burp end up as a fossilized wrinkled old prune. May you cheat on her with another man and devistate your homelife. May you never have true love, true peace, or true happiness in your entire life.



You goddam ugly fuck.



I thank god I have someone now who loves me for exactly who I am.



I am sorry it took YOU to teach me what I don't want, to find what I really do want.



I am sorry that I have not healed enough yet to be able to not think these things.