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The Littlest Vampire - Chapter Six



Commonly accepted Human folklore states that vampires are the most elegantly evil of all the creatures. Commonly accepted Undead folklore states that humans are the most imbecilic evil of all the creatures. If we apply logic to the Human’s interpretation of evil, all we discover is this-a Vampire is bad because it is at the very least, well dressed. The Book of the Undead also states in the by-laws that Vampires are required to have accents. But otherwise, they blend. More importantly, vampires were thought to feed only from the neck and the wrists. Veins and Arteries carry the main supply of blood around the body. Humans give themselves a lot of credit about being such efficient machines. This is not a reality. The neck was good, but LV needed the whole body.



And That Involves A Lot of Sucking.



To make a vampire’s contact with a human during dinner time go a bit faster, most vampires ripped off human limbs and saved them for later. Think Polly-Oh String Cheese. The Littlest Vampire didn’t slaughter for revenge or personal gain. She slaughtered to eat. She was a tiny thing compared to most of her prey, so she believed in left-overs. Presently, the moron underneath her was trying to get his hands under the Littlest Vampire's shirt; and that was going to be the last thing he would ever do.



Leave the Light On



The Littlest Vampire giggled and reached for his hands, giving the impression of coy modesty. She leaned forward and placed her lips on his neck. She could tell by all his “ohhhs and ahhhs” that the human thought he had another thing coming. She parted her lips and let her fangs rub against the prickly leather this human had for a neck. The most human teeth can do is give you a hickey; therefore, the sensation of a vampire’s fang is an unexpected one. Like a chainsaw when you were thinking plastic spoon. She made sure to position her tiny hands around his wrists so when the idiot would finally panic, LV would maximize the carnage.



Human, the Other White Meat



There was a split second when the human’s subconscious realized he was no longer the hunter. It translated into a quickening of the pulse so small even a heart specialist couldn’t discern it. To the Littlest Vampire it was like a fire alarm. She sank her fangs into his jugular as he began to panic. “What the Fu…?” was exactly what he said before he started screaming. LV was going swimming in this asshole’s jugular; to prove she was no amateur, she was ripping his hands off at the wrist. And so, this human- this shining example of “nothing to write home about” met his demise while screaming like a little girl. He begged and cried, offered money that he didn’t have, and vowed to live a respectable life going forward. But most humans couldn’t spot respectable, even if it was a nun outside a whorehouse.

The Littlest Vampire - Chapter Five



They arrived at the human’s apartment. Unimpressive. The Littlest Vampire was not shocked. The human was stumbling through his welcoming gestures of “Make yourself at home. Here, get comfortable on the couch.” LV smiled up at him and gave him her most innocent puppy eyes. She really didn’t like this one and it took every ounce of strength not to rip him open like a Christmas present. She needed to wait. When she disliked the fundamental character of her meal, she made sure to keep them calm and unsuspecting. The last thing LV wanted was for the human to go into shock- then he’d miss all the fun.



It Says Hand Soap. That’s Not a Hand.



The human finished whatever nonsense he was tending to in his bathroom. The nonsense in question was a male’s ability to come home from a bar with a random stranger, stick his balls in the bathroom sink, rinse the aforementioned reproductive organs with hand soap- maybe, and deem this fresh smelling and sanitary enough to penetrate a complete stranger. The Littlest Vampire heard the slopping gurgling of water in a sink and knew her instincts were right on the money. She was living in strange times.



For Those Feeling Tropical for 6+ Hours…Please Visit a Doctor



The human settled himself next to her on the couch. Thus began the bullshit. “Hey, can I just hold you? I just want to snuggle.” Snuggle. He wants to snuggle. The Littlest Vampire was about ready to slaughter HIM to put HER out of THIS misery. Because she was so tiny, the majority of men used the size discrepancy to hoist her up and into the awaiting penis (lap). She pretended to “snuggle” and sniffed at his neck. One must always know what is in their food. Drugs, alcohol, industrial chemicals, and certain diseases are carried through the bloodstream. The effects passed onto a vampire during their feeding were usually temporary although they ran the gambit depending on the drug of choice. We can get into that fun conversation later. Sniffing this one was easy. Viagra and Rum.



Just Add a Stick of Butter



Humans like to categorize the specific gore they associated with a particular species of Undead. It’s as if the categories would really somehow protect a human from more exposure to the unknown. According to Herr Human, this is what’s supposed to happen. A Werewolf would rip victims to shreds and ate whatever was visible under a full moon. Mummies terrorized the population into a fright. Nobody’s really sure why since a Mummy’s mouth is taped shut so eating is a complete waste of time- the Bulimics of the Underworld. A Zombie would bite into living human flesh, eating and infecting whatever it put in its mouth. Just as a side note, the Zombie Virus is a very aggressive strain of the common yeast infection. One can create their own zombie nation by placing unwashed panties in a bread basket overnight. By morning, the infected bread looks no different than buttered toast. By noon, world domination is yours.

The Littlest Vampire - Chapter Four



4am was approaching and the Littlest Vampire didn’t want to take any chances. Whether she liked it or not, the hands belonged to her entrée. She glanced toward the direction of her assailant. She followed the arm up towards the human it belonged to. As suspected, it was a middle age, middle class, mediocre, nondescript white guy. Nothing about him appeared to stand out, so maybe that’s how he snuck passed the bouncer into this den of coolness. But in his mind-and I stress in his mind only, which LV was currently reading for amusement and to kill time, he was a legend.



But He Said He Loved Me



“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked her. LV smiled up at him, “sure”. Like the hundred times before, this stallion of a man would lead his newest trophy to the bar and feed her enough drinks as he could afford to get her in the sack. The drunker she would get, the more protective he would start acting. By protective, he was 1. making sure his investment wasn’t snatched up by another man while he was paying, 2. that she was drunk enough to rely on him to get home, 3. that she was drunk enough not to remember his name or the legal definition of rape. Thanks to copious amounts of booze, this caveman style marking of territory was usually interpreted by a drunken whore to be charming. To this human, right now, his master plan was just getting started.



Gelding the Stallion



“I’ll have whatever you’re drinking.” That was her standard answer. Like the thousand times before, she would be paraded up to the bar by some loser with a master plan. Vampires, with their heightened preternatural senses, considered liquor to smell like a variety of vaginal infections- not anything someone wants in their mouth. The human would be concerned with getting her drunk so the trick was to order what he was having. It didn’t take a mind-reading vampire to assess this type of character. His lack of self-control inevitably takes over and he ends up drinking his and hers. Before the fool knew it, the Littlest Vampire would have him hailing a cab.



Path of Least Resistance Must Be 200 Yards Away From a School



Nine out of ten times, the human would direct the cabbie to his address. The one time they insist on your place usually means they are married. The Littlest Vampire could tell this one was a confirmed bachelor, and a lazy opportunistic one at that. It was no surprise she ended up at his place. This was the most ideal of situations. The Littlest Vampire never brought anyone home. One must understand that humans were live meat and nothing more. To a vampire, bringing home a human for dinner was like slaughtering and cooking a live chicken in your toilet. It was just fucking weird. LV almost always went to their homes. She wouldn’t even do it on the street. Some have said that she kept this rule to shield those innocent souls on their way to work or school from finding the gore. Others would say it was because she, like most women, didn’t like eating in public.

The Littlest Vampire - Chapter Three



It was less about spotting a meal and more about human mating behaviors. Being older than the city itself, LV recognized that there were very few constants in life but the ones that did remain were worth keeping. Hundreds of years ago, her mother taught her that a lady never moves, “let them come to you”. Despite her ability to walk up to anyone and mind-fuck them into their own slow death, she preferred to let it happen the old fashioned way. It felt more honest. It also doubled as a public service.



Douchebags, the Not-Endangered Species.



LV made her way to the dance floor. In less than 5 minutes, she felt something on her leg. There he was, humping away like an unneutered Chihuahua. There is no introducing the victim or a “Hi, what’s your name?” This is not a typo. No missing sentences. This is the current acceptable interaction between men, women and all possible combinations of the two. Then boom, just like that, the dance floor suddenly parted down the middle, leaving him on one side and LV safely on the other, far from the clutches of his penis.



Is this a Rap Battle or a Dance Off?



The crowd repositioned itself in a circle. In its center, the humans took alternate turns exhibiting hot dance moves. Most were quite amazing. It was Chelsea. They were Gay. And it was awesome. LV loved watching them dance. It was obvious by their incredible talent and the hipster attire (too poor to afford matching pants) that they were professionals. The Littlest Vampire spared them. It was her undead contribution to the arts. At the other end of the spectrum were those that sucked. In this category were the tourists, drunks and investment bankers mumbling the lyrics.



It is Not a Stereotype if It is True.



LV chose dinner from the latter. If they were out late clubbing on a weeknight, odds were nobody would miss them too soon. When grocery shopping, one must feel around for the firmest piece. If it smells, it is probably not fresh. Pesticides and hormones are best avoided. The same applies in picking out a human. The funny thing was, the humans were just as guilty, if not more, of being predatory. LV needed blood to survive; that was the deal. Who knows what sorts of agendas the humans had.



You Peaked In High School Didn’t You.



Even the most drunken male will always seek the presence of a woman out of his league. The Littlest Vampire was by all appearances, a tiny creature. Granted, there were moments in history when she wished to be less pint sized, but for the most part, her look never went out of style. LV let the laws of physics take control of the situation. She headed to the bar and took 30% of the crowd with her. Before she could even get to the bartender, hands reached out from the darkness to grab at her. To her, this approach was no different than getting peed on. She hated him already.

The Littlest Vampire - Chapter Two



The Littlest Vampire crawled into her coffin. She made sure to get it with the Wi-Fi; you lose internet when you close the lid so it was a crucial addition. She googled key phrases such as “compromise; understanding your mate; men are from mars”. She loved gutting and dismembering a man quickly ...but this time she wanted to be more like a real woman. And apparently, according to her online research, that meant bleeding him dry over a lifetime.



Twitter said the modern man finds this most appealing.



The more and more she read, the more and more LV sank into sad confusion. Is this really what men wanted, or what humans were about? It wasn’t that she was suffering through her most recent breakout, or that she was avoiding the task of unpacking moving boxes, this was a genuine centuries-old, science experiment to beat all other science experiments. For starters, with all the game playing and lying involved in “getting yourself a spouse-house-child support- job of your dreams,’” one could argue that the human was actually the scary monster of ye old fairy tale. All LV ever schemed for was a hot blooded meal and very thick window drapes. With her mind on food, she shut her Air Book and threw on some clothes.



Tuesday is the New Friday



What she loved about this city summed up to one very important word…Logistics. People came to New York City hoping, wishing, praying and dreaming about going missing at night. And though there were prettier places, warmer, better smelling places, bigger places, but what good would that do if 1. everyone could be accounted for and 2. nobody was around at night? That was as useful as a quadriplegic with a Shake-Weight. Winters sometime were tough to feed; nobody went out in the cold. But she would stick it out. It’s not like she could move to China…LV didn’t speak Chinese. Never get stuck in a place where you don’t know the word for sunlight. Bad. Bad idea.



Are you on the list?



It didn’t take long before the Littlest Vampire found a place to go. She looked down at her watch; 2am. She looked at the nondescript black door and line forming in front of it...long. She remembered it was a Tuesday, bingo. The Hotspot. LV simultaneously crossed the street towards this midnight buffet and switched into her human “costume”. Mimicking the female of the species, she lowered her shirt, fluffed her hair, turned her nose up and cut the entire line without hesitation of being denied. It was important to show she was better than every single one of them; if not, the bouncer would smell fear and kick your pathetic ass to the back of the line. Secretly she hated doing this because she actually was better than them and one should never make fun of the disadvantaged. Nonetheless, she charmed everyone within spitting distance. And she knew it. She had the kind of charm that could get her elected as President. The world was just lucky she had no interest in politics.

The Littlest Vampire - Chapter One



Rather than terrorizing the human, the Littlest Vampire gathered her things and left. More often than not, she was baffled by human behavior; this typically led to a “Missing Persons” Report by the family of the one she could not understand. But in more recent history, LV was shooting for change; less manslaughter, more counting to 10. It had been so long since Littlest had a pulse that she felt more like an alien trying to learn about this modern world instead of the “GREATEST EVIL THAT EVER LIVED.”



Or it could be that she dated assholes.



She didn’t really mind walking out on him. Being around for a few hundred years meant a breakup at week 3 was nothing to throw off anyone’s diet. However, on the walk home, she found herself deep in her little vampire thoughts. What bothered LV the most was not this particular human, it was humans in particular. It started in the late 90s with the internet…and more recently-YouTube that LV decided to educate herself on the State of the Human. At the very least, she wanted to know where her food came from.



Le Coopertif Vampyre



Earlier that week, after a 6 month co-op board review… which actually did feel like an eternity… the Littlest Vampire moved into her first apartment- of this millennia. Unbeknownst to the Humans, Le Coopertif Vampyre was one of the premier luxury properties in all of New York City catering to the Undead. Yes- Catering. Thanks to modern technology, it became increasingly difficult for creatures of the night to live in a world with Social Security Numbers, DNA Analysis, and To Catch a Predator.



And like the mighty dodo bird…the end was near….



Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, Mummies, just to name a few, were on the verge of extinction. Contrary to popular belief, these so-called Evil Spirits, were anything but. You probably wouldn’t meet anyone nicer than a Vampire, or more pleasant than a Werewolf. They were labeled as predators, devils and all manners of bullshit by a species so low on the ethical food chain that it was almost laughable. The only reason why humans were so pissed that these magical creatures existed at all was because the human, didn’t like to be on the menu. Well, that and the lower self- esteem that usually accompanies being bumped down a notch by a far more superior-magical-smarter-faster-stronger-can steal your spouse without even trying- type of being. Therefore, to continue living alongside their human food source, the leaders of the respective groups formulated a plan…it was labeled the Sub-Prime Mortgage Banking Failure. And with that, properties were purchased, identities were assumed, and not a single human was the wiser. Because that is the beauty of paying in cash.