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tatsandholes's Journal



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4 entries this month
 

i always have a way of fucking everything up. . .

21:11 Nov 30 2006
Times Read: 527


why am i so fucked?? and fucked up? i might lose my apartment, my car's dead, my boyfriend is getting bored of me. maybe i just need to go away. i don't seem to make anyone happy anyway. so what's the point. all i do is go to work and come home. and god knows how much longer i'll have this home. the goddamn fucking attorney won't call back. i don't have the money to get my car fixed *blown transmission isn't cheap in case you didn't know*. Rich, god only knows. i love him, truly. but if he's not happy then there's no point. see, i'm one of those people who cares not a bit about themself, but strives only to make everyone else happy. it's probably because i probably have BPD *borderline personality disorder*. i'm starting to develop a Devi complex with relationships. everyone always leaves because i want them to be happy. maybe i should start striving to make myself happy, too. i don't see much point, but. . .maybe i should just put myself away again. it's been so long since i've done that. and the kitchen knife is starting to look pretty tempting. like i need more scars. and that would inflict much worse scars than a rusty x-acto knife. nothing seems real anymore. . .not that it ever really did. . .it's getting bad. . .my schitzo episodes are starting to spread out into daily life. i'm starting to see and hear shit. i'm starting to get all moody or bouncy for no reason. i'm thinking some pretty sick shit. perhaps i shouldn't be left alone. sometimes it's worse then. . .sometimes not though. i'm beginning to just think about saying fuck everything. i'm starting to give up. what will happen then? will it be like JTHM, and i'll attempt suicide numerous times, for it only not to work? and then it'll work, and the universe will implode. then i'll just be thrown back? why do i think so much? why is my mind such a dark and winding road? why can't i just be "normal". well, mentally anyway.


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for all of you who don't know just how crazy i am. . .

02:57 Nov 22 2006
Times Read: 544


i wish i knew what was going on in my head. Rich, baby. . .please don't leave me. i want you to be happy. . .but. . .but. . .then i'll be alone again. see, when you ask me what i'm thinking, I don't even know. i told you i don't know. . .if all this shit doesn't explain that, i don't know what will.



i feel as if i grow crazier by the day. so many of me. . .so much confusion. . .i've got to find a way. . .what the hell's going on? why do i seem to be on the outside looking in on myself? happy and bouncy one second. . .next second, nearing comatose and silent. heh. . .asking for fire whilst firetrucks go by outside. . .heh. . .stupid greazy chicken. . .mindless rambling, god it's like my little notebook of insanity. where have i gone?? help me find the way. . .there isn't one, oh yeah. everything disappears. green absynthe. . .neck cracking joy. gotta get away from here. . .just run away. . .from what??? why am i so fucking psycho?? i know there's shit going on in my head all the time. . .things that aren't me. . .i don't remember, only pieces. . .i'm rambling. . .i hate my job and the stupid fucking people that go in there. . .it's not even the right card, you dumbass!! wrong slot, too. . .duh! sitting comatose. . .Bush. . .conscious yet not. . .*poke*. . .hurt. . .huh?? hair, but it's purpleish. . .not mine. get off of me. . .no one's on me. like a mental patient again. laughing at disembodied heads, lobbed off. . .not laughing at actual funny shit. but it spat out a big red ball!! it was candy, dumbass. . .watch the fucking movie. . .GOD. . .i'm rambling off again. it seems as if when i get depressed or sad or people talk to me or leave me, i get even more psychotic than i usually am. . .nifty?? how many of me are there?? stupid short fingers, little hands, little everything. short sucks. shoot me now. i need blacklight action. . .meow. cigarette time!! woohoo. . .it's that time again kids! yay flammable. . .ashing on a magazine and paper towel. . .hurray for flammability. . .but no fires. . .fire trucks, but no fires. lipring. . .squirrelnuts. . .heh. . .squirrel. . .*twitch*. . .i did too!! my legs went. . .twitch. . .hehehehehehhehe. . .anyway. . .fetal. . .position. . .pickled punks. . .ya'll know what those are kids?? those are the unborn babies that they put in jars with fermaldohyde. yay fermaldohyde. . .shiny things go blruerarerghiheogiah. . .yup. . .just like that. . .scary monsters and super peeps again!! dreaming to sleep. . .oh wait. . .heheh. . .i almost wrote wayt. . .heheheh. baka neko. . .i was gonna write baja neko. . .mexicali cat?? nobody's real but they're willing to let you go. . .feeling. . .feelings. . .woah feelings. . .Buffy. . .the movie. . .yeah. . .time sucks. . .loser!! muaahahhahahahahhaha. . .why am i turning all psycho~schitzo again?? this happened before. . .oh god not again!!!!!! hehehehehheheh. . .darkness. . .little white bunnies in a line. . .against a wall. . .with blindfolds and cigarettes. . .what do you want on your tombstone?? pepperoni. . .so there. . .stoopid glasses. . .heartbreak and novacane. . .won't help the pain. . .i'm out of control. . .i'm in a hurricane. . .i'm in a hurricane. hello?? moshi moshi. . .konichiwa. . .salve. . .dorito crunch. . .all these miles of water. . .darkness taking over again. . .seeing things. . .AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . .chees y go squish. . .fetisha. . .corsets. . .squish. . .no more waist. . .that's all there is stupid. stop yelling at me. . .wait, i'm yelling at myself. . .so what's with your kind. you scavenge to find. . .what makes you. . .supreme in design. you're just another pretty face in a room full of whores. accuse you cause they end up. . . .differently divine. . .chicken dinner. anonymity. . .i choose the crowd to divine. . .divide. . .chrome max factor. factore. . .tora tora. . .mrowr. . .they made us with a tool then they taught us how to live. . .candy man. . .contrabands. . .cheese. . .ramble ramble ramble. . .bubble of reality. . .there's no ceiling fan. . .oh wait, there it is. fake bubble people everywhere. . .a glimpse into my mind. . .scary isn't it?? stop skipping dumbass. . .grarg. . .why am i always alone?? by myself with so many around me. no one gets it. will someone explain why my mind is so fucked up?? i don't remember what i was going to say. abuse. self. abuse. jaded at times. so you see me die. see i'm jaded at times. so you see me try. stop staring at me you!! oh, it's not you, it's me. . .scaley things. . .bark bark. cool down time. . .tyme. . .punisher. . .i punish myself. . .wow. . .people may actually read this you stupid fuck. now EVERYONE will know how crazy you are. oh fuck it. i wish i knew what was going on in my head. Rich, baby. . .please don't leave me. i want you to be happy. . .but. . .but. . .then i'll be alone again. see, when you ask me what i'm thinking, I don't even know. i told you i don't know. . .if all this shit doesn't explain that, i don't know what will. stupid afterthought. antidisestablishmentarianism. tophat sex hah. . .swooshy pants. . .teeth that just keep dying. the minute that it's born it begins to die i'd like to just give in i'd like to live this lie. i'm on my way down now i'd like to take you with me. i'm on my way down. fuck typeos. . .i don't care anymroe. see. . .i'd usually be fixing that up right now, as i have been this whole time, but i'm not gonna anymore. . .hahahaha. . .i don't care . .bloswtorch. dirty wings. . .can you possibly fathom how incredibly idiotic you sound right now?? i'll end this madness now. please. .oh i don't even know. . .


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not alone anymore

06:10 Nov 08 2006
Times Read: 549


yay. . .i have a boyfriend!! i've kinda lost trust in girls, and he found me and lives right down the street. he's so kawaii!! he cares about and trusts me. He Doesn't Want to Hurt me! that's a really good thing. that's what we're both used to in our relationships. but we care about each other a lot. he's so adorable. . .yay scrawney boys. . .^-^ and if anybody ever fucks with him. . .i will fuck them up!! he makes me all smiley and giggly. . .meow. . .Patty said she's never seen me this happy. maybe it's because i'm actually with someone who cares about me. Richedy Rich Rich Rich. . .mmmm. . .ummy boy. oh. . .and if anyone wants to see his pictures and be all jealous. . .he's my #1 on myspace *tats_and_holes*. that's all my happy ranting for now. . .


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personality jobber

04:17 Nov 02 2006
Times Read: 558


About Me Personality Quiz
What is your name?:Brynn
How old are you?:20
When is your Birthday?:11 October 1986
What is your zodiac sign?:Libra/ Tigre
Where were you born?:Sewell, NJ
Where do you live now?:Clifton Heights, PA
What color eyes do you have?:Brown *that go from green to red*
What color hair do you have?:black *blonde naturally, though*
How tall are you?:5'2"
How much do you weigh? (Be Honest Ladies):@ 129
What is your race?:Human
What is your worst fear?:to be alone forever
Do you smoke?:yes
Do you drink?:rarely
Do you cuss?:when i get pissed off usually
Do you use drugs?:HUGS, NOT DRUGS!!!
Have you ever or will you ever steal?:i stole POGS from Pathmark when i was little
Are you dependable and/or trustworthy?:yes
Do you play in a band or play an instrument?:i sing *and people tell me i do it well?*
Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?:dragon/tribal/rose tat on lower back, 00g lobes, cartilage, tregus, labret, nipple
If you had a favorite serial killer who would it be?:not a real one, but Otis from House of 1,000 Corpses/Devil's Rejects
Do you suffer from depression disorder?:i used to and it's recently started returning
If you had a choice about how you wanted to die what would it be?:something gory, but mostly painless, except for the gooooood kind of pain. . .
Have you ever tried to commit suicide?:yes
Have you ever purposely caused harm to yourself or someone else?:i used to cut myself with rusty X-acto knives
What subculture do you belong too?:many
Are you evil?:ummm. . . .
Do you believe that you can be possesed?:christianity isn't my thing
Are you a paranoid person?:i can be
Do you ever get jealous of somebody else?:many people
Are you obsessive and/or compulsive?:sometimes
Are you a violent person?:usually not, except for against myself
Do you take your anger out on other people?:no, i bottle it up and end up taking it out on myself a lot worse
Do you blame other people for your mistakes?:no, i blame myself for other peoples'
What is your favorite game?:DDR
What is your favorite movie?:too many to name
Who is your favorite band?:too many to name again
What is your favorite song?:right now? Black No. 1/Little Miss Scare-all by Type 0 Negative
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?:horror, mangas, fantasy
What is your favorite color?:black
What is your favorite food?:sushi
What is your favorite drink?:green tea
Do you own a pari of converse?:two: one of which is so destroyed, they can't be worn in rain
Do you own a pair of dickies?:no
Would you ever kill yourself or someone else?:depends on my mood (my wrath is not one to be toyed with)
Are you a virgin?:hell no
Are you kinky?:i can be. . .*wink, wink*
Do you like biting?:very much so
Do you masturbate?:doesn't do anything for me
Do you watch pornography?:not usually, but i have some
Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color?:not allowed due to work
Have you ever shaved your head in a socially unacceptable way?:i shaved it in 11th grade, but i donated my hair to Locks of Love
Are you hyper active person?:definitely not
Are you religious?:not really
Do you have any self inflicted scars?:many on my arms
Does pain turn you on?:pain, not discomfort
Do you stand for originality and creativity?:above most else
Do you like meeting new people?:not usually, i'm shy
What do you like most about life?:ummm. . .not much at this point of it
What do you dislike most about life?:most of it
Do you believe in love at first fright?:i used to. . .
Have you ever pierced a body part yourself?:mhm. . .my ear and my nipple the first time
Have you ever had to beg for dinner money?:no
Do you own a car?:yes: black '93 Chevy Lumina Euro Sport
Have you been to jail, yet?:no. . .i'm a good girl. . .maybe. . .
Are your clothes held together with safety pins?:a lot of them
Do you have actual scars from punk rock shows?:no
Have you ever vomit while making out?:that's wrong on so many levels. . .
Have you held a job for less than a day?:no. . .i hate working, but have a high work ethic
Do you own more than two pair of jeans?:yes, don't usually wear them though
Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason?:umm??
Have you ever been kicked out of your parents house?:no
Have you ever been fired from your job because of your attitude?:no, i've only quit
Does the world piss you off?:especially right now. . .definitely
Take this survey | Find more surveys
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