My development as a human being.23:10 Jul 08 2007
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Conception, it’s hard to really pinpoint my conception seeing as I was an unplanned birth. I can tell you that I was conceived over in Great Ol’Britain where my father had been stationed for the time being. My mother was unaware of me being there until a little over three months when she had her first doctors visit. Unlike normal doctors that you can go to right away, in the military they keep you to the date. It means a lot of waiting, but she knew I was there at 2 months. The doctor’s visit was really straight forward, to the point and not much else could be said about it. The announcement of her being pregnant with me, wasn’t until a week later. The emotional response was that of surprise from the family, because well I was an unplanned birth like I said before.
Before my mother realized that she was pregnant, she thought that I was a gall stone which was later proved wrong. During her pregnancy with me, she dealt with morning sickness through all the first trimester and on through part of the second. Through most of the first trimester she didn’t know I existed, so it was fast and visibly not seen. In the second trimester, she dealt with me getting bigger of course and being sick most of the day. The third trimester, became uncomfortable for her like most women get. I was rather active in the utero, and often kicked, and pushed around. My mother went into labor too early once, and had to be rushed to have it stopped. In that time, because of my activity my mother thought that I was a boy. Just because she had my brother to think about it. Other than the listed things above, my mother had a normal pregnancy.
The doctors had originally had my due date for August second, but later changed it to July seventeenth nineteen eighty-seven. Up until then, there had been a set date for my mother to be induced into labor…that day never came. On June twenty-second nineteen eighty-seven. My sister had come home from ballet class, when my mother had exclaimed “My water broke!” My sister being only eight years old, and not understanding what exactly that meant had replied, “Well fix it!” That little bit of comedy followed what would be my birthday. I was born at 10:05 that night. My mother wasn’t supposed to go into labor, because she was having a C-section. The labor only lasted a total of two hours and she was quickly rushed into surgery get me out. I was the only child that she was awake for when I was born, what a pleasant surprise to find out that I was a girl. I weighed 7 pounds 6 oz. and was 19 ½ inches long. The stay at the hospital was a total of five days, and then we were allowed to go home.
Ever heard the term that first impressions aren’t everything? I guess when you’re a baby, everyone loves your first impression. Sad, to say you grow out of it way too soon. My physical characteristics were this, I wasn’t a chubby baby and I wasn’t a slim baby either. I was one of those, just right in the middle babies. I had been born with really dark hair, not a lot but some was there. I had blue eyes of course, that stayed around for about 6 months. My personality was very bubbly and lots of energy to go around. I don’t believe that has changed much now. My temperament was very easy going and I didn’t cry very much. I was one of those types, that could take pretty much anything you threw at me. My sleeping patterns in the beginning was rather backwards, I wanted to eat every 2-3 hours. After I was 2 months old, I started to sleep normally. My siblings reaction to my arrival was one of happiness. My brother of course was excited that I was girl, because he could have his own room. My reaction to them? I didn’t react very much, they were just more people to look at and pick me up.
Throughout my development, I have always remained one of those children that saw what I wanted, and got it no matter what. When I was 6 months I had started to crawl, which for me was the best thing. My sister had said I didn’t really crawl as much as I scooted. I would put my face down and rock back and forth. I started to pull myself up onto things and step around when I was 10 months old. I was taking my time, I guess you could say. I wanted to see how things worked before I did anything too fast. I didn’t take my first steps until I was 13 months old. I started climbing out of my crib when I could get myself over the bars. I believe that my reflexes were behind my speech as it is for most girls. I said my first words at 6 months, and I said Dada first, then Mama. Doesn’t it always seem that babies say dada first? I said my first sentence when I was 12 months old, and it was I wanna play. I was always one child that had to be on the move.
Throughout most of my toddler hood, I had spent a great part of it in Alaska. I think it had an impact on my sleeping patterns, because in the winter it’s always dark in Alaska. In the summer the sun never goes down, as for my development being affected? I’m not really sure about that. I always wanted to play, I just didn’t seem to sleep when I was supposed. I would sneak out at night, just to play in the middle circle that had equipment. My sister had to start sleeping with me, because she didn’t want me to get into trouble. My parents had put a lock on the door that was a chain, but I had gotten the wise idea to use a broom to get the lock open. I believe that I was alittle advanced in problem solving. As for friends, I made them easily I wasn’t very shy at all. I had lots of friends around the block that I lived on. I had two pets throughout toddler hood, they were both cats. One was named Klondike, he had been given to me for my 3rd birthday and Sunshine.
In my early childhood, I wasn’t one that learned things that I didn’t like. If I wanted to do it, then I would. I didn’t go to preschool, I went to a daycare that had things that had to do with preschool. I went for about 2 ½-3 hours a day. After preschool we moved from Alaska to Kansas, I started at a school when I was 5 years old. I was easy going with it, glad that I had people to play with. I took to school like it was something that had been apart of my life the whole entire time. In 1st grade, I still liked to go to school but recess had become my favorite subject. I still didn’t like to do my homework and found it hard to get through it all. I was more of a social butterfly, than someone to really do my work. My mother would often force me to sit down and do it. I struggled with telling my parents were I was going, and sneaking out because I just couldn’t keep myself from going.
In middle childhood I really didn’t have too many things that added to the top of what I learned in my earlier years. I was an optimistic child, I didn’t have a bad home. I didn’t have any trauma that couldn’t be over come. I really didn’t think about my self image, and how people saw me. I was more interested in what was going on during the day. I had some people that would bring me down, but for the most part I was just really wanting to have some fun. My stresses were an a minimum, I had my friends with their problems and of course the ever increasing load of homework. I was still very much the same. Possibly, alittle more mature but as carefree as ever.
Adolescence I think for me was the hardest thing I ever went through. I went through many stages that had to do with my identity. I started off with Identity achievement, because I had nothing to really challenge what I believed in. I followed what my parents believed in. I steadily started to ask questions and went into Identity moratorium, exploring all the options that I had before me. I didn’t make any commitments because it was just something I wasn’t willing to do. I changed my beliefs around a lot to fit into what I thought was best. It took me years to come to terms with what I wanted, I came to identity foreclosure as well as identity diffusion. Then finally settling back into Identity achievement once more.
My parents were really supportive of who I was, or wasn’t. They were sensitive to my needs and we really didn’t fight much on what I was doing in my life. They wanted me to be my own person, and it helped me out that they allowed me to do what I needed. They helped me set my morals, I went from pre-conventional level easily to the universal ethical principle orientation, just because they were there for me. I believe that a lot of doing what I did in adolescence with my parents really helped me.
My religion had been set for me as a child, I was raised in a roman-catholic home. My mother was very open if I had questions about the religion, but at age 15 I left the church realizing it wasn’t the church for me. She respected my need for space when it came to religion. I wasn’t really ready to accept the concepts that they put in their books for me to learn or read. Today, I go to a church that isn’t roman catholic, but I have my religion which is all that matters to any of my family.
The cultural norms around me were rather closed minded, everyone believed that you had to go to a certain church. People wanted to follow the trends of the time, it was important to look your best for school. It was common to see girls wearing tank tops with something over it. My school didn’t allow so much skin to really be shown. I joined in cheerleading one year, and ended up leaving when I realized it wasn’t for me. The cultural norm wasn’t something I could follow so easily. I also found that I took on the culture’s beliefs of the times. I hadn’t found my own voice quiet yet.
My goals of the time was to get out of school, just to make it pass the next semester just so I could take a break. I wasn’t really too worried about the future. I didn’t have much of a look toward it, I wasn’t so goal orientated as I am now. I believe that I set my standards low so that if they didn’t quiet meet, I wouldn’t be too disappointed. I didn’t have a very high self esteem and had wanted nothing more than to get through my day.
Work, I didn’t have a plan with work…or atleast not homework. I really didn’t have much of a thought process when I put it all together. I always wanted to do things later on, I would put things off until I really had to do it. As for my goal for working in the future, it was one of those things I didn’t think about. I was more in the now, not the later.
I knew that I wanted to continue on my education at this point, because of the fact that my parents wanted me too. I did not however have a concept as to what I wanted to do. I did, however think that I could be a good massage therapist. I did find out that physical therapy later on would be a good compliment to what I really wanted to do. I didn’t however weight so much on my skill level as a scientist, which isn’t very good. I did like the thought of helping others out, and at that point that was all I really wanted to do. I wanted to help out anyone if I could.
I knew that when I got older I wanted to get married, I had always wanted to have a relationship with that sort of intimacy. I really did not go on dates much, and I had boyfriends here and there. My goal for marriage was to find someone that not only I was physically attracted to, but someone that I could depend on for my emotional needs. I was very picky when it came to having a boyfriend, they had to have certain qualities about them that complimented my own.
Children, I always loved children. I had been an aunt since I was 8 years old. I grew up around having to be the more mature one with a child. I loved to play with them and I knew that like my older siblings I wanted to have them. I just didn’t want to have them anytime in high school or college. I wanted to wait until after the I do’s to make a decision on to what I wanted to do with children. I believe that is the same goal I have for myself today. I don’t want children right now, I want them later on in life.
The world around me as a young child didn’t mean much to me. I couldn’t really write the effects that the gulf war had on me, because I really didn’t pay attention to it. I remember some of the things the news was saying, but I didn’t have too much to worry about. My father wasn’t getting sent to it, because he retired just as it was starting.
I remember the attack on the state building in Oklahoma city. It was something that I didn’t really understand. I made a trip to actually look in on the building, and I remember having this profound sadness that all these lives were lost. I couldn’t really describe everything that I was feeling, just that it made no sense to me.
When the attacks on the world trade center happened, I remember having this profound fear about terrorism. I didn’t understand why it was acceptable to kill so many innocent people for the sake of a cause. I started to watch the news more, and I was more interested in what exactly was going on. I was starting to look toward the outside world, after the terrorist attacks. I wasn’t and still am not too afraid when it comes to terrorism, because of the tactics that they use.
I think hurricane Katrina had the most profound effect on me. I have several relatives that lived in the New Orleans area, it was very hard for me to watch and wait for those that I loved to contact us. My Aunt and her family moved up here to be with us. I had just started college, so it was strange to have them here, but it was a learning experience. I learned to embrace family to the fullest, because sometimes that is all you have got. I still have family members that haven’t fully recovered from Hurricane Katrina, because there isn’t enough money for them. I believe that there are still social injustices with the victims of Katrina and those from the terrorist attacks.
Music, it has always been a part of me; I learned to play the violin when I was 10 years old. I sing it, and I have written lyrics before. Music has been a constant with me, it has brought to make new friends in many different groups. It is also something that I look forward to when it is an event. As for it being a cultural thing, it’s just something that is important for an adolescence going through that rough time in their life. It expresses things that we can’t with our words.
Higher education and work for me now is the extent of my day. I am often doing things just to make my school work improve so that I can make the grade. I do not want to be the one that gets stuck behind because I couldn’t do well in school. I find it very important for me, to further my education just so I can climb the ladder of success. I believe that work and my education will help me do this. I am forcing myself to do things, that in earlier life I never would of dreamed to do.
I find that love and marriage are not so much on my mind right now. I am way too focused on what I should do with making money. I know that it’s not just that is going to complete me, but I need to make myself comfortable before I enter that set of life. I realize that love is something great and easy to handle when you have it. It is also something that you must balance, you can’t have your world completely revolved around one person. I will however look forward to when I do get married, because it is still one of my life goals.
I still want to be a parent when I get a little bit older, but I have to have something’s set in place before I start to wonder about that. I want to have my money in place to have them, and I want to own a house before that. I am still putting off having children for at least another 6 or 7 years. They are going to be great later on.
I don’t really know what to say about the development of my own children, only that I hope I can do what is best for them. I want to seem them go through life just as healthy as I did. I want to have that balance in discipline were I am not bribing my child to do what I think is right. I want to follow steps to help them develop into healthy adults with discipline that fit’s the child and the acts that they commit.
My models for successful aging is my grandmother and my parents. They embrace the effects that come with aging and they don’t allow that to bother them. They all function just fine with the world around them. My grandmother doesn’t have Despair over her life coming to it’s end. She is completely whole with what she does, her integrity is something I am looking to inherit when I do get to the milestones that she has come to.
I don’t think I will die until I am in my late 80s or early 90s. I really haven’t thought about nor talked about what will happen to me. When I do reach the stage were death is a common thing to think about. I hope that I will embrace the fact that it’s life, I will have to leave it sometime. I believe the cause of my own death will be as natural as anyone would want their death to be. If I could choose a way to die, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to leave the world as peacefully as I was conceived into it, almost non-existant and I won’t cause those around me so much pain.
My philosophy of life and death is this, live your life the way you want others to remember you by. If you live a good life, people will more than likely remember you for the good things you did. If you live it badly, well the same could be said. Don’t go on living regretting everything that you do, because you’ll waste a lot of time. When death comes, just remember all the things that you did before that were wonderful. It’s a natural thing that happens, death isn’t something to run away from, it’s something to embrace and take.
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