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I often times wonder where this pain filled road was leading me. It was leading me to the strengths and needs of my soul. It was leading me to find the pieces that so long ago I left neglected. I looked toward all the things I thought I wanted, thought I needed, and never once really questioned it. It was then that it finally broke down, we were meant for each other. We would of made each other happy, if I wasn't who I was, and you weren't who you were.



The fact remaining, we are now each other's past and no longer the future. Yet, I press on and find my way.

For the next couple of months, my writings may seem a bit crazy. I am trying to really place my emotions into prospective. I used to be one that was so willing to build things, and now I feel as if I can only destroy. I miss being someone that used to be the life of the party rather than the person that just seems to break it down. I miss feeling whole and I miss having the things that I used to have.



I miss a lot, but I was listening to the radio the other day about how people are constantly reaching back trying to pull their past in because at one point it helped. I can't keep holding onto my past, because even if it feels right, it isn't always right. I can tell you about a year ago I was in a relationship, and I had plenty of friends. Now, this year I am no longer in a relationship nor do I have many friends.



I feel as if the slate that I had created was wiped clean and there has to be a reason. I mean after all I wasn't put through this just to have myself discarded and not thought of. I have one person now that I hold onto because they are the only reason I believe that I can stay alive. My best friend Tara. I don't think I can ever explain the amount of regret, guilt, anger, and pain I carry yet I don't think it needs to be said.



I am walking down a rather dark and bleak path with barely anyone around me. I had one friend leave me behind because they wanted to get closer to Jesus, and look who is getting that instead? Me. I feel as if I am getting closer to Jesus instead of them. I feel as if the things they wanted for themselves aren't what they are being given. At least I don't really know for sure.



I feel though that I have to censor what I write and it just isn't fair. I can feel, I can think and then it can be over with. Why should i have to be the one to shut down what I feel? I don't write in this journal for someone to read. They can if they want too, and even if it hurts to read what I feel then that's their problem. I don't need to be punished by my own writing, because chances are I am already punishing myself.



I just wish that people could see that.