The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

im going to wake up tomorrow and make myself believe im going to be okay. because i want to be fine and not worry about the "If's". i want to wake up and know im not hurting the ones i love and care about. bad enough i lied to my mother again, she asked me if everythings better and i looked her in the eyes and yes when i wanted to say no. and explane to her my everyday strugle with life i have. all i ever hear my friends say is are fine, are you okay, why dont you ask me tomorrow and i will really tell you how i feel inside. what they dont know is that i dont want to be that fucked up girl that ruined her life with pot and booze, skipping school every shot i get. i want to forget about that and move on re-start everything i did wrong and turn it to everything i did good. people say it gets better and time heals everythng. my mother doesnt understand when i tell her i feel so alone in this world, she thinks cause m siblings are never home, but know the truth is i feel like i shouldnt be on this world, like i shouldnt be alive right now. it feels like i just dont fit in this world with every other human beings. they even say the bad follows you no matter what. maybe getting away from here for a lil while will do good, maybe good will hapen, but you cant turn the impossible possible, but i can convience myself i will be strong again!

i wake up every morning thinking i will have a good day, but i dont. im sick of people asking me if im okay and i lie every time saying im fine when the truth is im not. why cant i just tell them the truth. for the past three years i've been kieing, skipping school, putting on a fake smile and doing things im not proud of. how can people say they know how i feel when they havent walked in my shoes? i've been trying to fins what i have lost, been trying to be happy. im scared that im going to cut again, its been 2 years that i havent cut. maybe getting out of depression is harder then i thought. im scared to tell my mom how i truely feel, she'S the first person i love and will always be the first that i love. i mean it should be easy telling her cause mothers are there to listen and care, most of all support you no matter what you have done. maybe its time i seek professional help? get answers to why im like this. to be treated with the proper help i need. maybe rehab? because sometimes i wonder what is like if its painful or painless. i even wonder if people would be happier if i was gone for good. as scary as it sounds sometimes i feel like im going to take my life or attempt to again... i wish i could tell her but i dont want to scare her again. i even have the urge to cut all over again. i hate to say this but when i smoke weed it takes my pains away, but whent the rush and high are over the pain is back, it seems like no matter what i do the pain comes back. what i dont get is why am i like this, i mean someone my age shouldnt go throu this, the shoudl be happy and not depressed. depression gets tiring after awhile.