The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

As me and daycon are getting better , john is just acting like a a hole as alwways fing docuh,.



now i find out from grace of cores this boi is brining a date tonight figures well i do not care any more.



he is who he is and i alomost slipt a few times about why i am mad at john and so on, and now it is what it is well im tyrd of him and if we make it don't know how fine if we don't fine i am just fed up with his closet but and i could go on but i won't feel like it.

hay all i am glad john for a chage did not egt back to me since he said he had to go to bed because we need to talk get our mess on the' tabil at the right tabil and so on and then go from there or end it. and daycon is being better he has been tetxing me back and told me he misses me so badly and he is being greet. and i realize i love him so much and dilon still, and yet i love john, but he a mess we either need to work this out or not and be done with it but dite has been helpful and explandthings to me and as much as it hurts it makes sences and helps ect.



in a any case i get it more if we do ? if we do not we don not. and daycon is someone i do love as much as dilon and in time when he here we can see what is up and so on. basicly dite said its a test in all ways and what not.



and i gtg but daycon tetxing love his fine tale .

GRACE who i am not mad at told me john told her that he still loves her and is wife martelr and told her this drunk and sober and accodring to her you tell the truth while you drunk.



and now its like what esle how much more can i take from him? he still loves her i guess he may always since they had a thing so i guess some could say he amy always but still and he may have feelings for me. but yet this happens and it hurts and grace is telling me about it, and i am trying real hard to be sorptive i am with out being a snake i am but its hard as hell, and i just want to either find out if me and john have a chance or not ,. and if not then i can be sad and cry and knew i did what i could handle ' from his closetd but .



and in time move forword and just foucs on my wirteing my kids and daycon and so on.



buit still it just hurts hearing how he feels about her still even to this day and the fucket up part is how she is trying to help me with his man and she dont even know. and it hurts i love him i hate him i hate me because i will always love dilon also and daycon no matter what but still its a mess he a mess and i am a mess also ectectecte etc and i am out.

ps i just hate that he loves her and yet i cant hate to much because i still love my bois, and always will .



ect ect/ well gues what grace really wnats to help me with this guy ' and its john which is the fed up part , and she is saying she really loves john which sucks and that she wants to you know what with him oh gods shot me now plaease i did it this time.

now this girl is telling me all this and almost figured out it was john but lucky she was jokeing thank gods last thing i need is more druma' and telling me like i do not know how good in bed he is ya know i need to get off this druma trian before i get hurt more is all i know just how do i do it. and i hate lieing to grace and all this and i actuly got a text messge from john back after i text him figures. and of cores he said he is in bed and said ttyl figures well just as well i can talk to him later besides its either things work or they don't then i can start to cry and be sad and then heal and just wokr on the men i have and who want to be with me/ . nuff said/. well happyley sadly he meaing john messes with graces head they have fun and he hurts her the way he hurts me

he loves her maybe but hurts her the way he hurts me , and i am like woppeie he dose teh same mess to her as he dose to me.



butb sadly that just means he is more of a mess and closet case then i thougt and i may not be abil to take much more i need to worry about my sanity and he is not helping and in the end i may need to call it quits/. and grace ask me like john with me and how he hurts her well more then she will ever know.



i need to call it quits and move on and let them work it out and focus on a dragon that may be ready to straghtin out.

after all and get back to what is real again in any case that is life i am in love with a men who is always going to be hurtful , and crule and a hot mess.

ACAL WAS TELLING ME POINT BLANK to ither fight for john or give up on him' on what i told him he basicly said this si new to him , and he just admoted he had feelings for me and i need to fight for him by being patniet seeing things from his side and undertsanding it , and figureing what i want out if this , and him and being there for him surporting him' and being there for him tell him i am here for him and if he needs call me and what ever esle , and not to presure him and so on.



and know he has a lot of fears and what ever esle, going on and so on.



and to do what i can to show him i am here and so on.



and knwo its not going to be insiet happies with us , and so on and all the other things acal told me so i am getting it and work on my issues with my self and my patince and so on so that is what i will do.

im ok im not greet but i am ok i know john treets every one the way he treets me it is not good it dose not exsuse it but i get it.



i love him like i love dayconoto but i need to take care of me if it happens greet if not i will be sad but it is what it is.





and i may have a way to get daycon here he may he may be a super in my buliding and if so greet and i can have my man here, and i wonder if john was jeusle when maggie ask me who i am i love wih? i hope so only so i know he do care and that is how i feel but i am good today couple days left and i will have my phone back on so there.

WELL after haveing grace tell me all the loves of her lives john being number joh and them still haveing feelings for each other' or so she says when he told her while he was drunk and his happy but trying to follw her down the basetment' and know gods know what esle i am like damn always something with him' and what ever esle , i am just so angery and yet sad , and it seems like he really is not comeing out the closet any time soon even thow he admited how he felt about me and doing all this mess , but still i could go on but i think you get the idea any way it is what it is.

at lest i know he a hole to one and all and that is not good but i know its not just me. and i just hope is this what will happen? i do not know i need to give him up but still .

Ok john fighting with april about her faith andcalling her names i am glad i left early' and i hate that john told grace whiel runk that he loved her still. and yet can only show me how he feels ina in derickt way and perv way , and i just feel like hell, and acal said he is acting all macho and keepinga image and that is why he acts like that but still he never sses it from my view so why should i see it from his and basicly that is where i am at with closetboi figures i fall for the crazy ones.



i hate him/ and john and billy were slapaing each other on the you know and and grace said why dont you come out the closet already ' and i m like wow thinking this to my self and wont even go there to what billy said to me thow he is kidding' and so on and as me and grace talket today she helpt me with john with out her knowing it, and of cores he told her how he feels about her while drunk and wont even give me any thing deisnt while sopber or drunk' and so on and he is a you know? any way i just hate him and i love him and i dont want ot but grace may be right one being obsiet and i do not agree about it being full on lust but i do agree i am alittle ocd but ' i may need to work on it but what ever . its life.

my heart is breaking i was haveing a good time ' and john was there he said hay jonahan and tocuhed my shoerder and i was so happy' but then then he was pissing me off with him talking about him doing this or that woman and him wanting a woman tonight' and him talking about doing april for 90 seconds and him talking about his or that and i think grace is even nocienmg he is in the closet' and i am worrying if we ever become more' if i should tell him the truth about me and maggie and jester was helping me with that and found out she is a sucbus and i am in love with john i love him' and i want him and i want him to know but i don;t and he just keeps pissing me off and all he dose i hate his closetd self and i just need something what i should do is end it and just move on but i love him' and he just hurts me and wil never be a real man for me and i know it but yet here i am.





and i should not have to keep love a sercet i should riase the ruff with who i love but i cant tell any one really who i love ' and i hate loveing him but i do and all his gtalking about women and doing this and doing little things to piss me off. it hurts.





and i am just sad and heart broken and when he talket about his dad dieing and it made me feel for him so much and when we talket about how he loved his phoen and he can wacth tv on it ' said asoume nd he said f ing asosume and so on but yet he hurt me more .

after words so in the end he is just hurful he is breaking my heart and i could go on and i am just sad i guess he is who he is its as simple as that and i am sad now.

and him and his viloent tendes and him wanting to beat some one up and blowing them kiss and so on' and so and him pill takeing and so on its f ing anoying and he is turning wores and wores and i am tyrd of loveing him but i do and i hate it. ps his firend billy did help me with something and he is nice and so on even got alittle border line today and its as simple as that.

Ok I SAW THAT BOI ONLINE AND I DESIDED not to pm him just like i am makeing sure i do not blow up his phone sin ce he said he is not a phone person what ever'; mostly i am doing this for me because i need to ' and i need time away also ' and i am just tyrd of chaseing him he can come at me when he wants i am just tyrd of it nuff said is all.

As john called me and said he was on his way he said the popo stopet him on his bike because he was drunk and made him to a teste and he past and let him go after that and of cores he said its not his nighta nd when he told me about his shoulder i was like damn he was not kidding and as we were walking he told me about his desires of of many men getting it on thow he could not deal with women like that and how he told me this guy he got with also got with his father and he said he gets it from his fathers side of the family' and he told me he hurt his shoulder and how if it was going to a womans hosue he would have turnds around and i said i guess you do care and i should be flaterd he said yes'. and then we talket about him and his fears of his family being all super cathlic and how they would hate it if he was bi and i am like i had to say my two cents and after that we finly talk about april and he said he was only doing it with her because she was on him he was drunk ' and ther cheap excuses and so on' and i was angeery and i told him the one person i would have the issue with, and he said i am sory just like how he was sorry he dose not get in to relaistionships with me ' and so on , but yet i would alter find he dose feel the same for me in his own way ,.

he says he is a germ aphobe and he cheket her out beause he would know what to look for and she dose not have it nd that she is delsgugal and i said how do i know that you not just syaing it? he said i would not lie to you and i could go some where esle sorry to be a a hole but i can and he said he was sorry for that at a diffrent tiem but still' he also told make not to go on the side walk the street will help you not fall on the ice .





as we got to my house and he told me he is a top mostly ' and so on as we got in my house he got ready me and me for him' and we wacthd a movie and we kisset it was amazeing' he said you did me right the last time i was here and so on' and as we kist and started to do other things i was soon learning he dose feel the same way he let me do things to him he would not let many esle , and after we took a break i said you ever notice me like the first time we meet? he said that is so long ago but yes i did i notice every one and i finlly read my letter to him and after that he said noting but later showed me how he did feel thow i would ahve perfeard derect words but still he showed me ; with things he would not do normaly' and he said he would not be comeing out the closet and i said how do i knwo you not makieng it up about april> he said i would not lie to you and i could just go some where esle not to be a a hole but its the truth , and that was before he showed me how he cared' ' and he said he was sorry he was not comeing out the closet ' and i said don;t be sorry i just feel sorry for you , and we talket about how women would feel if there men were bi' and how missy bf would beat his ya know what uo he did not know what john is all about and all the other details' and after we talket and so on we were involved and i said i wish i could make things better for you he said i wish you could to but i said relaty dose not work like that sadly. and i did make him admit something before he made me admit how sex y he is, i said you said me before other men he said yes i did say that,. and i said yes i do , then and it broght me back to what he said i rember you saying at pudgys when you said this time in a diffrent tone that he was not my type' i said i said that because i did not know ' if you were or not and i asumed you were srtaght and besides i was playing hard to get . he said i kinda figuerd . and aftr we takket about why he never told me sooner he sid he had trust issues and so on i guess maybe its just as well' . as we were in to each other that was how he showed me he cared . dumby and we talket more and i remeber how he told me to walk in the street to afvod and so on i said i wish you would tell me dereaclty how you feel she said i am not like that . and before he went later then he should he said i shouled you how i feel more then i would or have shownd most women , and as he left and we talket and i said call me before you get home and him calling every one and he said don't blow up my phone i am not a big phone person' and i said before he lefta nd hugd me i said i still wish you would tell me how you feel deraclty and he said i know or what ever but i know he feels the same for me. and he told me of his old life of things i will not here , but i know now give or ake how he feels just that he will never be out and i know he bi and he seems to think just because he would be out that it makes him gay when it just means you out asa bi man i know he bi. thow he said it a little much but wont hold it agsit him i relact my self alot and how he told me his old life ' and so on, and it was nice playing and kissing him, and it was nice feeling this with him even if i will never be his boy firend and we will always beinween and so on . so that is where i am at he is a busy man these days and so on and that is where i am at for now. I will never fully have the man i love but yet i have the truth he said he will always tell the truth and i guess for now that is what needs to be. so acal is right after all damn him also , oh well goes on but i do love daycon also he just bugs me also. Content-Length: 0 Connection: close Content-Type: text/html and john told me he is like a dad to jese and he had to be hoem to make sure he went to school, and that was why i said even jeese would do that to you and of cores john said yes. just makeing sure i got as many details in her as i could.

ps its nice to know he notices me and that he even nogtices when i put things in myspace sapose that is a good thing. also he said he will have to hide the letter i wrote hime ' he did not leave it here and i guess that is another way he cares i even said that bs to him he said i will ahve to hide it so no one finds it and so on. man i guess he cares the a hole pic. i even said i guess you care in your in the closet pervertd way,.

I am shcoket john called me ' he said he called to give me his number and say he knew i stopet by a few days ago and i ask him' how was his day and how he was doing? he said same shit ' and we we talket and he left and ask me ' if i was doing any thing tonight? and i said no and he said maybe i will stop by and after we talket he and i hung up.



and now he caled me saying he he is trying to get a ride over to me saying grazie is mad at hima nd grace is also and saying she was ok with me but stil' and he said worse comes to wores he will ride his bike over to my house' and so on, and he said he will find out son and after that we hung up.



i am still pist at him and still think he a bser but still.

ps he ask if i will be up a while i said ya. so he said ether way he will stop by.



he caleda few times aying he will be by and needs to rechagrg my phone and he will tell me what is going on' and so on' and maybe we will have alittle fin emm hmm ' and saying he needs to charge his phone and while before he comes over he will let me know and he has been callingme jonathan today' and so on so that is where are at for now after his beer he will be over. john called me again he was sorry ' for not calling sooner he is on his way eh had to stop and pee ' and said he will be over in a half hour or 45 min the most ' and he sid i am getting old and i can not wie the bike like i use to , and i was like we may have to work on that he didt say much he just sounds like he was blushing i said u want to talk on the phoene while you ride here ? i said or can you not do that? he said no and we hung up and i said take care and left it like that for now,.

today is full of anoying events ' first some ass comeing by for the state inspeaction' and b talking to melssia and her trying to beat uo john for em and her telling me kelly knew he was by a long time ago. and this heffer missy as i call her told me she had him once also i am like i don't want to here this shit and this b boi as i will call him is just full fo surpreazs and now i feel like deakcing him more but what ever he is who he is.

I had a dream this afternon where i was with johnand sam and we were at kfc ' and he said as we were leaveing i am not in to men any more and i woke up and i was liek damn' i know sometimes dreams are just dreams but still ' i guess it just creapt me out is all.

Today i finlly got the guys to see john i walket there didt take long beleave it or not i saw his soon to be sister in law or sisnter in law dee' she said hi i said hi back she said john has not been here for a few days and she said wondeirn where he is ? i hope he ok i said oh ya he's fine dee said' and she sad come a minite and i did she took my number ' down she ask if i wanted there i said no since he did not give it to me i ws thinking of my personatly and i did nto want to be disareaspful to his family and dee took the number down we had small talk and i left and as i was walking i felt good only because i fased the fear ' and i let it go and wores comes to wores i wil give it to him next week and so on, so there ya go,. at leseti know for sure he dose this to every one his famly his firends i am not threiild with it but i know now its to every one if he wants to stay here he can but i am not worrying about it any more. nuff said i am still pist at him but what ever.

Vinne finlly fixed my msn today' and i am happy it is done' i am hanging with grace and april' and i am happy but i have that bum on my mind as always and vin told me how that john is a mess and he dont know what that boi up to' and he is a ass hole to every one' and he treets every one like that' which is fun so not' and i said i want to choke him meanng it semi jokeily but still vin said he did not care ' and so on and i am haveing fun with the gang' but still i just wish i did not have these feelings for him and i at times hate daycon but still i guess i need to see it threw dite said she sent what's his face to me and she wont tell me what will happen but i need to see it threw and here i am now so it figures .

i have to love the ass holes.





ps grace and john made up and he showed her in his way he cared just wish he would do the fucking same for me' but i will be stoping by his house this week and getting closure one way or the other and maybe i can be free ' or at leste find out how he feels .



ect.

HERE THE THING i am so pod because i was sapose to hnag with vinne' and then go to johns and well tunrs out of cores not always something so now i am going to see john monday and deal with this one way or the other man i am just so pist off is all. oh well.

I HESRD HAT APIRL IS GETTING A DIforece from her husband' and she said i do not know why since i askt her' i guess its one of those things ' and i just hope it has noting to do with you know who because if i ever forgive his nasty but and it workst with us not even sure what i want it would behardthings chage more' in any case i guess time will tell if things are ment to be we will find away wsy or if he is a bumb more so then i thougt then i will find better' but i am sorry for my firends loss in an case , preticly since it seems' so sudden and she dose not even know why.

the end for now.

ps as it seems april thinks she will die and end up alone and i prey that dont happen as long as its not the guy i may or may not love or like or hate , but time will tell, and yes i still love daycon , and want to be with him i just want him and john is all, and i prey april finds the right guy.

As i was on the bus going to the mall i could ahve sowrn i saw john and i thougt if it was him' he saw me and was trying to get the bus.



and he mist it but still now i do not know what is going on if its him or not and derick said if its him let him chase me and if its not i really miss him and must be falling for him' and so on,.



and well i guess in time thinsg will work one way or the other' and the last i guess my borther is right in any case i guess its just life is all figures i always go for the bums.

I MEAN IM john actly answerd a im of mine firts time and it was not his brother i was wanted to set a date for us to talk but he is busy' and i talket to him how i feel or part of it' i said when you do not pm me it hurts andwhats up

noting much

just writeing

what u doing tonight

?

hangin with my boys

cool that cool

is this al or john

john

ok just makeing sure ' i got your brop the one day

hay i been trying to get a hold of u

need to talk to u when you get a chance

sometime this week

whats up

ok ' well just a lot going down lately and i am like what the fuck, and sorry for the many pms its just impornt is all and its something i do not want to say online in case people are listing

no one is here it`s cool whats up

plua i wnat to give you your gift

ok thank you

ok

A ITS GOOD TO SEE YOU ON line

b man its so hard to say this online so bare with me

ok

here goes i was wondering why you never pm me back and i know you busy nd i get it and what ever esle' i mean it is just like every one esle has your time but me, yes i know this may sound silly but still,

and i am not trying to make u mad but stil

man i had all this typed ina letter

oh wel

sorry i got alot of people that demand my atonsion

i know , all i am saying it feels like i am noting , and i know you busy i do not eapxt every wakeing mintue of your time hello you and i got l9ives just syaing

i mean i just feel like a damn you know and that is all i am good for trying to use codes so no one sees

and its like i am not even imporntut

again maybe i am projecting but still'

man i wish i could say this inperson figures ,

i`m just busy i`ll be in touch i gotta go my boys r here

i try and get it i do i always try and bethere for people i care about i do

ok fine i will conture this later take care and ty for at leste letting em say someof this

ok



Last message received at 12/12/2007 07:54 PM that is basicly what was said ' and it seemd like he did care its by no means a way for me not to hate him but at leste he did for a time give a dame so i guess its a start.

the end for now.

oK THAT IS IT i hate john so much he gives comments to every one but me ' and i am sure he returns everyones pms but me he will do every thing for every but me and i hate him i am done i need to give him the letter and i need to move on from his ass because i hate him so much

Well it figures after i was so worryed about his turst ' and keeping it and never betryaing it he did this and dose not even funny' how he dose not even pm me at all' and also while i am at it if he dont come by this week then with vinne or me thow with vin would be better then i will' ahve to go there and have it out with him or type a letter with his gift and go from there nd move on that will get risky but still' any way that is how i feel .

Ok i am waiting for graces firend to coem bya nd stay here since he needs a place and so far he is not here not sure if he got lost or what ' and frankly i do not know and i am not tyrd just pist is all mostly because of john any way not sure what esle to say so that is all any way i just feel sick.

Oh my gods i found out this you know what ' had sex for 15 sections with our firend april and she has a std and i feel like my heart ripd out ' and it made me wonder how he even really felt about me and how they kist on a dare and how it started and how i feel ' is sick to my belly and i feel like ending it all i feel lost and heart and sad ' i feel sick i feel like a loser i feel so much i can not belive there drunk buts where doing it for 15 sced and it could hurt so much its sick' and i hate him and i hate my self words can not express how i feel at all and now i just want to crusl in to a hole a die' and how i feel and went on and on about i wish i was dead now ' and i am giveing that pig his gift but after that and i tel him how i feel in case he did not know and then i am gone and i am on to better i just wish i could say more but i can not .

Well as i was talking to my firend about the things john wrote and he said basicly said dont be paranoed' and we talket about him and how he did not like the way john looket and that i could do better' and that he do not like hairy guys and we talket about how sam may react to us and so on' and we talket of possbiletys and so on' and after that we hung up and we talket and so on ect.



ps acal said john is not my only opston which is good but still.

HEAr is the thing' i was looking at my bulliton and i say johns kissing history and i was worried if he thougt i was a bad kisser and worryed he do not like em basicly doing things that are totlay unnessery and need not be even thougt if but then again' this is me now i feel better and came to my sences now that said' i saw in it that he never kisset a guy which we all know is bs' and that he lovesfemails i am sure he do but we both know he likes men also hehe so i guess i just needed talk about it here because the boi infearyates me but yet i have feelings for him and if we are going to be any thing we are but still; and plau i miss daycon and so on and it don't help any way that life gtg,.

Here is things i am dealing with john and who he is' and i am done worrying and IF we get together we do if we don't we do not my firend i mean he is a mess and a half till then i am going to be me that is all i can say for now' i am just going to take things the way they are if he will ever be ready for me he will if not f him and i am throw.

HAY all ' man i had thsi crazy dream where john was over and we were getting in to and somethingt happend to my floor ' and i was fixing it and then my tolet broke and john was wondeirng what was keeping me and i was trying to hurry up so i said f it and went to him and i think we got it on.

and that was it.

Hi all what up? i called grace to see how she is , and to see if she would be cool with body spray and she saidya any thing from a firend i would be find with , and i ask her if she would be fine with pucker also its a drink' in case one did not know? any who i ask if sam would be fine with a fariy poster ' and i ask her what john would want? and she said liqer and grace told me he likes tequerl and she told me a botteli cold get for 7 8 bucks and so on and she said since i ask he live at > or what ever she said i could get him over or i could give it to him or what ever which si good and basilcy i got a idea to get him now' so basicly we talket and then we hung the phone up and that it.

Talking to acal' he has expland why he thinks or says john is inlove with me and how he is nerves around me and all this' and at first i was like oh ok' but now i am just not sure' and so on and we talket and i feel better but yet more shut to thnk about all i know is nerves or not i hope we spend time together and he gives me a clue on what to get him' and he pisses me off sometimes' but i care about him and after talking to acal i get it more but still oh well i guess for now i will let it ride and let this happen and enjoy things and take my time ect.



but will say this with me and john it dose feel diffrem
t that much i will say .

but yet i love daycon so much and will always have love for dilon no matter what.

AS i am getting shoping done and think on what to get people i have three people to go now and i am wondering what to get john' an dthinking about him and my bf daycon and loveing him and talking to him now and that makes me happy' and i love him even if he gets on my nervs but hes teh one for me just like john pisses me off but still' and so on i guess its one of those days any way later.