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Remember how I posted a couple weeks ago I was sleeping 15+ hours at a time? I haven't hardly been able to sleep the past 2 nights, and it's going on the 3rd night, now. Two nights ago, I laid down at 2. By 3, I was back up because I laid there for an hour unable to go to sleep. So I got back up and worked on school work for 2 hours until 5 in the morning. Finally laid down, took me another 30-45 minutes to fall asleep, and woke up at 10. Then last night, I laid down at 10:30 because I knew I had to work early this morning, and I couldn't fall asleep until 12:30 or 1, and then woke up at least 5 or 6 times in the middle of the night, and I had to be up by 7 to get ready for work. It's now 11 p.m. the 3rd night, and I'm not tired. Coincidence? I think I need my meds.

So, remember what I said about being set off like a firecracker? It's ba-ack! Every little thing is pissing me off and I go off on tangents again. I even went as far as hitting my fiance last night, and I left a mark. That's the first time I've hit someone that hard in probably 10 years. I had a temper when I was little and it's getting worse again. If someone pisses me off all I want to do is beat the shit out of them. Strangling used to be a favorite of mine, and the tone in my voice totally changes. I'm normally a fairly quiet person, not when I get pissed off. I have my own opinion of things and when someone doesn't listen to me I get very pissed, which is what happened last night. We were discussing a very sore subject and once a subject becomes sore with me there's no way for me to calm down when it gets brought up again. Best to leave it alone or suffer the consequences. My emotions are getting out of control again. I don't know how to control it.

Lack of energy. Sleeping 15 hours at a time. Craving carbs. Don't wanna talk to anyone. Don't want to go to work. Tired all day. No motivation to get anything done. Angry. Violent. Easily irritated. These are just the physical symptoms I've been experiencing for about the past week. I couldn't figure out why my body got thrown into a depression phase, and then it hit me a few hours ago when I was listening to a song. The anniversary of a traumatic event is coming up for me.



I got pregnant the month that I turned 17. My due date was April 9th, 2010. August 18th, 2009 was the day that I lost my baby to a facility that was supposed to give you "counseling" and instead just wanted to get the procedure over with. They didn't give a shit. And it was all thanks to my family. Thus, the reason my parents and I are no longer speaking. To this day I'm still angry with them for forcing me to have an abortion that I didn't agree with. I don't think I'll ever fully get over it. It was not my choice and I hate them for it. They took an innocent life away all because they would have had to deal with my baby being in the house for 3 months before I turned 18. It was such a disgrace to them. I'm a disgrace to them. My dad makes $100,000 a year, and they couldn't afford to help me take care of my baby for 3 months? They can blow $2,000 on new rings and yet can't come up with a little money to help out the first few months of their grandchild's life? Biggest lie I've ever heard in my life.



I can still remember the night I told them. The first words out of my mom's mouth were "You better not be." and my dad's first words were "Oh my god you're having an abortion". I will never forget that. They threatened to take me out of the country or send me away to my uncle or whatever they had to do to take my child from me. Rip it from my protective womb, a mother that was supposed to protect her child and failed. I'm a failure because of that. I don't deserve to have kids. I can't even protect them before they're born.

COMMENTS

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bloodredatrophy15
22:54 Mar 20 2012

wow what the hell? my fam was like that with me when i got pregnant so i told them where they could shove their ideas and i walked out of there and i wont speak to them now

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xXkahylieXx
00:59 Mar 21 2012

If I could've, I would've. I was 17 so that would have caused more problems and I was trying to avoid stress being pregnant, I didn't want to hurt the baby.

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So, I just started back on my medication a couple of weeks ago. It seemed like it was helping and then I realized I've been back in a manic phase the past couple of weeks. And didn't really even notice it at first. Tonight I went from really happy all day to really pissed off and I don't know what caused the switch but something inside me just changed again. I know the meds have been helping some but I don't know how long it's going to take for it to really start kicking in. I hope it's soon because I don't want to live like this anymore. It's an every day struggle.