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Recently, things have seemed to be really out of hand with medical, social, and academic issues; however, I have noticed that everything is falling into place. I am meditating on a daily basis now, focusing my attention toward making my life positive, and I am beginning to feel different. I am beginning to feel good. Just a few minutes of gratefulness for what is good in life has helped me. I am just glad that I am not totally numb.

I was in the hospital for three days and I was finished with my IV medication yesterday, so I am home today. The whole thing was that my migraines were so intense that I needed to be hospitalized so that I could get an IV DHE therapy. Basically, I had a needle in my right arm for a day and a half until the veins were worn out by the somewhat damaging medicine, as the IV meds were somewhat corrosive to the veins, but it was all for the greater good in getting rid of the migraines.

Initially I had a few medications by the IV and in each dosage there was always one that burned my veins. A supplementary dosage that was supposed to also help with the migraines induced psychotic effects in me for a short while, but luckily I spoke with the doctor shortly after and fixed that. In fact, the supplement was not at all necessary, so I was a bit confused at that. I ran a fever for a while, and man, my arm was hurting really bad. The nurses removed the IV because it had taken so much wear and tear on my arm and veins; me veins bulged in red lines under my skin, and it was scary for a while. I got my left arm stuck five times before the nurses could find a vein that would flashback blood, and that was tense. Each time the needle would be stuck and then they would try and wriggle it around to hit the vein, and five times before one finally took! They took my blood pressure and temperature shortly after, and my blood pressure was obviously out of whack because of the tension from all the pain, and I was still running a fever. It was tough to be like that, needle in arm tied to an IV bag for three days, barley moving at all. I am glad I made it through, and I look forward to feeling better when my arms heal up and my fever cools down. I might take tomorrow off as well to recover, I am just so exhausted.

I constantly find that I have no motivation to do work, especially when it comes to things that take up a great deal of time. Am I supposed to feel pain from doing homework assignments and term projects? Enough suffering pervades through my life from my headaches. I went to a psychologist yesterday, a close friend of mine who I have known for about a year. The suggestion was to get into a regular sleep pattern, but the randomness of migraine attacks has destroyed my time and quality of sleep for the past week. After I told him this, he said there is nothing I can do to help it. We scheduled an appointment for a psychiatrist to talk about medications near the 22nd.

I just don't understand this pain. Work, although unpleasant, is not supposed to hurt like a knife. And when will I ever find reprieve if the pain only escalates. Since last march there was an increase in the frequency of my headaches, going on constant until the start of August, which brought along migraine attacks. With October, my sleep is degrading and I sometimes find it difficult to eat because I feel so ill. Oddly enough, I don't display any outward signs of my pain; I don't know how to express a suffering that many people wouldn't understand, few would sympathize with, and many would say that it is fake.

In my studies of psychology, I remember the first opinion that I had on suicide, that it was a decision made by the person who suffered from some horrible sensation like depression. But the choice of all action is an illusion, you can only choose what is limited in your conscious reactions, and time constraints pressure decisions and influence emotional motivation. If someone if born retarded, they did not choose that, so a similar reason must be true for those who suffer intangible pains as I do.

It is frightening some of the thoughts that I have. Murder and suicide and physical manifestations of pain; I know that these are my unconscious thoughts, part of me is looking for a physical reason for the physical pain that I feel from an apparently mental origin.

The outside influence that another person can have on one is important for changing emotion, as I mentioned in a previous entry. When someone tells you something, and you believe it, it creates an emotion and it is real. If a friend tells you that you are a great artist, and you take that compliment, then you will have motivation to improve your art, so a new reality is set into motion. My unconscious thoughts have a distinct lack of outside influence, which I need to derail this negative thought pattern. I know that I need consistent social contact with a close friend and emotional communication to restructure my unconscious thoughts. I have put into motion the means to establish such contact with an acquaintance who is capable of understanding feelings. Some people mistake emotional communication as love, but I know that I am incapable of love because I know what love is. All I care for is feeling happiness, any opposite of pain, any escape of this agony.

I remember that I can influence others' emotions and even physical feeling, such an amazing power. It is just so hard in the daily haste of life to find time to chat and indulge in sensual pleasure.

I am open for any comments, suggestions, or anything else through private messages, so feel free to send me one. Thank you.

COMMENTS

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Viridian
16:32 Oct 10 2009

I constantly find that I don't read big walls of text

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