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Emotional fulfillment through social interaction, it is an idea, left blank. It is like I have such a desire to feel, but I can't, I need another person to feel emotions so that I can feel their emotions. The only emotion I have as my own is pain. I have to think on this more, bend my perspective of reality to feel real instead of so numb. My failing physical health is the first priority here, but it is difficult being that the cause is mental. I know I can change this. I will focus on making things better and journal my progress.

It's difficult to write. My thoughts are a blur. This seems insane, to try and bend reality through altering my state of mind and focusing on emotions to manifest them. It seems even more odd that I am writing about this openly. It's difficult to explain anything right now, but I am personally comfortable with my idea.



Send me a message of you read this, it can just say "Hi" or something. Everything is so confusing by words, and at the time it all makes sense by feeling. This is dangerous territory to tread because everything is real, no way distinguish real from fake but by assumption. Anything that is thought is. Such a big-picture idea of thought. I will think on this, it might be interesting. I have had experience in the past with trying to alter reality, but I've never felt this bad before, not like this. It will at least be an experience.

When a person thinks of something consistently, that becomes a kind of habit. To break out of that pattern of thought, an outside force must intervene. The nature of thought is comparable to Newton's laws. First of all, a thought is initiated by awareness of an idea, and understanding of that idea creates an emotion by one's perspective of that understanding. A thought will have a direction and magnitude, emotional feeling, that will stay its course until acted upon by an outside force. Of course, there are many of these forces; the environment, your awareness, and in particular, conversations. For a long while, I thought that social interaction in general would be an experience to get me to stop thinking about my pain. I was involved in a good deal of social interaction today, going to a couple of local gathering, where I spent at least 8 hours of the day in combination. General social situations do not fulfill the emotional needs that drove me to seek out others, there is no emotion in daily communication. For this, the shallowness that surrounds me does not have enough of an effect on my emotions to make a significant change in my overall thought pattern. In short, I thought talking would help, but it a vain cause because of the lack of feeling in daily conversation.

Newton's second law is summed up as Force=Mass x Acceleration. For emotions, this is similar to Reality being equal to your thoughts, experiences, emotions and your perception sees those experiences.

Reality=Mental experience x Perspective

The variable that can be manipulated the most easily is perspective. Seemingly randomly, I am able o alter my perspective to a sense of positivity, but it seems so useless because often I genuinely have good intentions and thoughts in my head, but I can't feel good. It's like everything I feel is fake, so I feel pain out of nothingness. As most emotions are, my pain is difficult to explain in words, especially mere text. There is so much mental power that I know of, yet I am limited by the limits of preconceived feelings. Parts of my morality personality that I cannot identify except by feelings seem to limit me from feeling real. A good part of it is societal norms, which would see everything that one feels as taboo. But it doesn't make sense to judge existence, apples to oranges, one might say. If any truism applies to the world in general, it is that the more someone judges existence without feeling, bluntly, the stupider that person becomes.

Third of all is that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

This is the basis of manifestation of thoughts, What you think and feel becomes real. Every thought you have attracts a reality similar to it. Basically, the action is a thought that develops into a feeling, which, if consistently brought into awareness, will create a physical reality to fulfill that feeling. I am having trouble thinking about good things, I have much weight to bear from things that I feel but cannot explain. because I focus on that, it is real... I could suspend all my beliefs of reality as it is and think of better things, if only I could feel. I must take this in steps, I need to recover from this suffering. I am just so scared, so confused, and worst of all, so alone. Writing seems to help me think through these things. Still, my call for help stands, if anyone can help me, just a suggestion or too would even help, I am more than grateful for anything.

As a final note, the reaction to an action does largely depend on one's perspective of the action. Like if you finish third in a marathon, you could be grateful for the accomplishment or rest in dismay of not being the best. The difference in emotion is apparent.

The world is in your hands, if only you choose to accept it. I know of the power of feelings and altered states of mind because of my line of research into NLP. I just have to accept what is there, but it's like I can't convince myself that I deserve the world. Or happiness. Or even existence. But at least such thoughts all feel like lies, a double edged sword of dismay and reprieve. Aren't emotions so confusing? Now physics seems like a cakewalk.

I will probably be writing a series of entries along this subject, as my headaches and unexplained pains pervade my thoughts. It is slowing me down in my school work, and I find it difficult to write like this. It's like all I can think about is the agony that I am experiencing; I'm starting to lose a lot of sleep over it, headaches keeping me up even when I take medicine for my headaches.

I know that the more you focus on something, the more of it you bring into your awareness in your life. This is a basic fact of life through awareness, and anyone can relate to a time where they had something on their mind for a long time, and then later saw that thought manifest somehow. I fear that my consistent experience of agony is overtaking my life. I am obviously focusing on it a great deal, as it is the only feeling in my awareness most of the time. This would create a cycle of internal destruction, thought creating experience that provokes thought, manifesting more experiences; it can be a negative cycle because of the awareness I put forth to the issue.

This is very new to me, as I have not ever actively been a part of a social networking site like this. Right now, I am in a great amount of pain. A series of headaches that I've had since before I was eight have gotten worse. These migraines are affecting my behavior, my daily life. All I can do is think about them. I know that my focus on the pain only creates more of it, as past patterns have given evidence of. I am fairly sure that the outside force of the social interaction from other people will at least have some effect upon my condition. I am around a lot of people, but I am not ever in a social situation for any sort of discussion, so my emotions are unhealthily bottled up. I find that of people I have talked to, the vampire subculture is empathetic and understanding toward emotion. I do not claim to be a vampire, but I am open to anything that may help. I don't know my objective here; a few words of sympathy, as much as I appreciate it, that's not my goal. I just want to feel good. Everything hurts so much, and nobody I have talked to understands the least of it. It is medical for sure, even if it is psychological it is part of the brain, and thus the body. I guess I just have a lot to say about what I feel. I don't know why, I just know that I feel a bit better when I am able to get out my feelings.