12:07 Jun 10 2025
Times Read: 98
This morning I think I will be attending my final Guitars 4 Vets appointment. It’s possible there will be another because we had one cancellation during this program… But that one might get pushed under the rug since we were given direction on what to do that day that we couldn’t make it.
I’ve definitely enjoyed this opportunity to learn what I need to continue growing with this. It’s not that you learn the instrument in 2 1/2 months, you learn everything you need to know to get better on your own. A basic foundation.
Lord knows medication has never worked for my anxiety, I’m trying to do everything I can to redirect my energy into things that make me happy instead of things that freak me out.
It’s also one of the reasons why I have invested so much in my kitchen over the last months. The kitchen is where I find a great amount of joy. Walking, writing, cooking, reading, the guitar, learning as much as I can about anything… these are the things that I do to try and not ruminate over negative things.
*****
My cat is more than 17 years old now. He’s obviously in his twilight window of life. Pets cannot be replaced, but I try to keep my number down because I have enough obligations in my life – hands in so many cookie jars that I don’t want to give them less than what they need. So these days I’m trying to always keep my number to two. Although it’s true I do have a hamster lol… He’s doing amazingly well. He’s also nearing his end I am sure as he was six months old when I got him. And that was two years and three months ago. So he’s doing quite well for a hamster. Anyhow, when my cat departs, I’m going to get another dog. This one will be small. Torii did not work out as a service dog (that doesn’t make him any less of a blessing and important position in my world), and I’m still needing that. Not only do I need it, Torii needs it. Maybe that’s a lot of pressure to put on a dog, but this dog would not feel pressure. This dog would feel 100% family. In my mind‘s eye, I can already see this little one cuddling up in Torii’s big dog bed with him. My cat does that with him now.
But to go back to my dog not working out as a service dog, what he has done in his own particular way, and with his own particular needs – he forced me out of a really bad spot in my life because I needed it to be responsible for him. I spent almost an entire year in bed a couple years ago. I had him then – and the only time I would leave my bed was to take him to the backyard and feed him. I wasn’t even able to sit at my desk. I did everything from my phone. That time still lingers in certain things that I do because I am only on this site with my phone since then – and I remember never being able to do that before. It bothered me so much… I needed to access this site from my computer. When I started school a year and a half ago I was back on a computer again – but that is with a MacBook Pro that we get from school so I never have to be at my desk. I have a recliner in my room and one of those little lap desks with the cushion underneath that I place my MacBook on and just go to town on it. Anyhow… If I didn’t have my dog when I was spending that year in bed, I’m not sure how I would’ve made it. I had so many dark thoughts – but my dog always needed me. Cats are far more independent. I was meant to have Torii, and he was meant to have me. There are a lot of shitty people out there who could have had him and given him away because they didn’t want to deal with his particularities. He’s a handful, but it is my pleasure to take it on. I’ve never had an animal before who had mental health issues lol. But I understand it – because I have wild anxiety too. He’s afraid of stairs, he’s afraid of the dark, he’s afraid of car rides, he’s afraid of storms… You know what he isn’t afraid of? He is not afraid of me. He comes to me for help. And that feels like such an honor.
COMMENTS
-
Morrigon
12:59 Jun 10 2025
What a beautiful description of your relationship! Torii is very fortunate to have you in his life and you're right, they do work their "magic" in our lives in ways we may not have expected we'd need. Do you have an agency you're looking at going through to obtain a second dog?
Cartomancer
18:09 Jun 10 2025
I’ve been searching. I want to get a Havanese because they are small, good for this climate, and very trainable.